My mom wants to live up north and my dad wants to stay south. I'm worried that my mom is going to have a stroke with blood pressure sometimes running 200/110. She complains of the stress from 500 miles away. I'm am stressed beyond my max. My husband and I are also dealing with his mom who also needs us. They have all asked to come live with us but we have no children, jobs and a 1 bedroom apartment and can't retire for 4 years. I believe they all feel we should up-root our lives for them, rent a house etc.. I have them all on a list for Sr. Housing 1 mile from us but apparently the list is moving fast enough and they are scared they my dad's health will decline and not be able to make the 500 mile trip back to us. I am at my wits end and making myself sick with worry. Any words of encouragement, advice or a Plan B,C,D???
A good friend of my mother's gave her an article about the percentage of caregivers who die before their spouse. My brothers and I discussed it, and all three of us called them later. We all said we were very concerned that she would die from caring for Dad. We recommended getting aides, or going to a nursing home. We also stressed that it was their decision, and we would not force it. I knew that was Dad's fear, and I knew he was listening on the other phone. They made the nursing home choice soon after.
Each situation is different, but I did use AAA for my aunt, and it was an eye opener to hear a non-biased evaluation. I also went with her to see her doctor, and got his eval. Both were so different from what my aunt had told us. We lived 3 - 4 hour drive away, and aunt Rose had no children. She refused to change anything until we visited and had her hospitalized for possible mini-stroke. The doctor was totally honest with her about how bad her memory had been when she came in, that she could never drive again, and shouldn't live alone (this timeshe listened).
Lots of good experience here. Please keep in touch.
You all make me feel a little better. I feel selfish that I want my Mom in a facility eventually. I am retired and was/is watching my GS until he was ready for daycare, this year. Then Mom's last hospital stay showed she couldn't be on her own so she is here. At 87, she is healthy but has Dementia. She could live another five to ten years and there goes the time my husband and I have together. In that time, we could have our own health problems.
Re--"Medicare will pay for 24 hr care" or Medicare paying family caregiving. ....I think you have MEDICARE confused with MEDICAL ASSISTANCE. As far as I have found Medicare does not pay families.
I just have this tingling suspicion that - you'll correct me if it's totally unfounded - you could move your mother to that lovely ALF a mile from you tomorrow morning, and she would find a whole new load of things to stress you out about, quite possibly including how much she misses the more relaxed environment and infinitely better climate down south, and how upset your father is by the move. If I'm being unjust, I apologise and plead not knowing your mother as an individual, of course; but your mentioning that she won't accept help currently, and her unreasonable expectation that you can solve all her troubles from 500 miles away… These are making my antennae twitch. Do you have a career complainer on your hands?
She is not your responsibility. You have stated that you are in no way able to take on your parent's care. I am 61. I think you may be, too. My MIL is 92 and mother is 96. I could not and would not bring mother here to live. She is whiney and needy, if I am around too long.
In my case, Mother's NH is very nice and has saved her life.
What is the plan, if dad outlives your mom? Because that very well could happen.
You do not need to answer all of your mom's phone calls. Keep repeating "Oh, we couldn't possibly do that." "No. I am unable to help." "Good luck with that."
Read the book "Caring for my difficult older parent." It is good. I wish you the best.
IMCO DON'T
Take care of yourselves first
Get free advice from AAA's
Engage a good Elder Affairs Attorney get you estate documents in order and current'
DPOA's proxies wills
worriedsickinnj to me translates worriedsick in nj
Planning for Care Costs: Costs you may face, Financial documents, Needs and goals, Professional assistance Advice from www.alz.org 's Caregiver Center
"You don't ask - you don't get ~ help"
They are known in the network of eldercare service providers as "Triple As." Each AAA serves a group of cities and towns in a particular region of a state.
AAAs coordinate services in three major areas:
Information and Referral (I&R): AAAs provide free information about a wide range of eldercare services and resources through trained I&R specialists who will connect you to services.
AAAs may also have trained volunteer counselors to provide Medicare and Medicaid information and can help with medical billing problems, reducing insurance costs, and completing public benefits applications.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/handbook/gettingstarted/usingeldercare.html
in nj
Contact Division of Aging Services
New Jersey Department of Human Services
12B Quakerbridge Plaza
P.O. Box 715
although they may not want the help, there are caregivers out there that love
their jobs, and programs that Medicare will pay for caregivers, if it's only 3 or 4 hours try it out it will give you a peaceful mind knowing someone is helping out. In some cases Medicare or insurance will pay for 24 hr care. I pray for the best for you and your family. God Bless
So Plans.....well they do depend on your input and only you can decide that....
A) Seek and engage as much professional input as you can - youwill need it later on anyway so start right and engage their support and advice
B) get them into a facility that is monitored or wardened so that you know someone is at hand
C) If their property is big enough perhaps a live in carer whjo can take some of the load off Mum and therefore you
D) A jointly rented property near you with some form of care attached for either parent with you in attendance so they dont feel isolated - you will be able to get transport suited to your father's needs
E) And breathe by the sounds of it you are going to need all your strength over the coming years so make sure you dont devote every waking moment to the cause xxx
I am sure others will have much better input than I have given - do read all you can and make wise decisions that SUIT YOU