We recently moved my mom to memory care from regular assisted living. One of the reasons was because we realized she hadn’t been doing laundry for a long time and they will do it for memory care residents. She also hasn’t taken a shower in many years. She says she hand washes herself. They will help them take a shower in memory care.
She refuses to let them do her laundry or to take a shower. So they gave up! She lives in another area of the country, so we can only visit occasionally. We have no idea what to do. She’s also losing weight because she won’t eat meals. The staff there don’t seem to be willing to push her to do these essential things. What can we do?
I am thinking that they have too many outfits and perhaps it would be best to limit their clothing. With the changing season, I have talked to my mom about putting her winter clothing away for now. I am hoping she will let me help her with this soon or perhaps I will try to get into her room and do it while she is in the dining room?
I have also found that the facility will not push her to do things such as give up her laundry, take her medication, eat their food, get her rest etc... . It is frustrating for sure. But this is their policy in assisted living. I believe that Memory care should have ways to help if the staff is trained right. It could be all in the language they are using such as "Good Morning, it is time to take your medication". -Versus- "I have your pills for you." etc...
My mom is a very picky eater and is quite small due to her medical issues. She was 95 upon moving in and had gone down to 87pounds. I am buying her Strawberry Boost with extra calories specifically for weight gain and trying to keep her apartment full of easy items she can enjoy. She loves peanut butter toast or cheese slices on bread etc... Perhaps you could send Boost to your mom via Amazon or a grocery store
I am sorry that you live far away. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things and trying to provide her with the care you know she needs. She is in a good place. Hopefully they will step-up and help with some of your concerns as Memory care should
I personally think a proper shower rinses the soap/bodywash off better. No matter how good, kind for elderly skin etc a product is, I'd prefer to wash it off.
It does take time to convinve a really resistant showerer & it isn't alwasy possible. But having a WARM bathroom helps & a promise it will be QUICK. Having towels ready to wrap ALL around the instant the water is off helps too. No draughty cold air.
Many refuse for all sorts of reasons. Some are very afraid of falling. In reality, sitting in a commode to be hosed or splashed at the sink it not very dfferent! But those with sensitive skin have told me a shower feels like little needles. Those with poor vision cannot see the water. Those with advanced memory loss don't understand the scensory experience so can have fear.
Day clothing taken to the laundry when night clothes worn & night clothes to the laundry when day clothes worn. No brainer there!
Another no brainer is not asking "Do you want a shower?"
But rather, "it is time to freshed up" staff just roll the commode into the bathroom & see how far they get - assessing the need for hygiene vs consent.
Regarding eating. Encorough but never force. Let Mother Nature rule here.
The memory care will keep your mother clean whether she is willing to shower or not. I am assuming you have visited and she is not horribly unkempt and smelly? If not, then a visit to her is in order to speak with MC about her care plan and what can be done about your concerns.
Your mother is likely in the end stages of her life. She will be kept clean and safe in her MC facility. But she will not likely be comfortable, happy nor at peace again until she has passed. This is the way for some suffering end of life.
This is terribly difficult to see. Speak to the administration and ask them to allow you to check in with the case manager for your mother to reassure you that she is doing OK. It is, of course not her choice now that her laundry gets done; that is something that is done in MC for people no longer able to make their own decisions for their own well-being. So if MC isn't keeping her clothing clean the roof needs raising on that nonsense.
Being able to talk with one person in the know every few weeks may help you a lot. It's hard not to be there.
Best of luck to you.