Mom’s brother asked LTC SW why he wasn’t invited to a care meeting (the 2nd one). What is his motive?
When he hasn’t been involved since January’s call to 911 through today?
He and Mom were at the meeting in person and I called in. The SW didn’t know there were family dynamics, as Mom’s brother hasn’t communicated with me about her decline he has witnessed over the last 8 years. I am POA and have Advanced Directives. When I understood he was there at the meeting, I declined to call back & emailed an explanation to the SW I would not be present with him There.
SW called next day saying he told the SW Mom doesn’t need to be there at LTC, she doesn’t want to be there, asked if he could have the POA changed and asked about guardianship. All with Mom right there. SW said she didn’t participate in the meeting (she doesn’t hear well and am sure she couldn’t hear all that went on). But I know her brother is ‘feeding’ her misinformation.
The SW said she explained to him about cognitive decline and how it affects her safety, 9 out of 10 residents don’t want to be away from their home, because her diagnosis came after POA was created the POA cannot be changed now and she explained the cost and time involved in guardianship.
In February when docs said she couldn’t return home, I asked him to be sensitive to allowing Mom time and space to acclimate herself to this change. NOW he is showing up and trying to act like someone is not doing good by Mom. He is such a snake and don’t understand why he goes behind my back. I knew he was like this decades ago, but cannot believe he is being a detriment to Mom’s stability in LTC.
Last night, Mom asked nurse to call her brother - no answer. Mom then dialed me and said she was waiting for someone to pick her up, but her brother didn’t answer. I asked her where she wanted to go and said she didn’t know. She asked how things are at my house (which she hasn’t done in 6 years). NOONE at the LTC has mentioned anything to her about leaving. It has to be from her brother. She hasn’t acted like this at all, prior to her brother showing up two days ago.
I hate that someone who professes love and care for his sister is doing this to her.
Am I off base here? Mom hasn’t been declared incompetent. I have Medicaid app in and awaiting that, but have been cleaning out her home, as well.
Can Mom have her brother ‘get her out’? He can’t even take care of himself, let alone his sister.
6 Answers
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Hope all is well with you and mom.
Is confronted by his sister's decline & fearful of his own. His wanting to change POA & Guardianship etc appear emotinally driven, rather than any practical benefit to your Mom.
He may inseed care. But his actions appear to me as selfish. To be her 'hero' & bust her out. Check your ego at the door Uncle.
I would ask the SW what can be done if its found his presence does upset her. What if he makes a scene will they ask him to leave or call the police? Because if they are a leary of doing that, as POA protecting your Mom, its OK with you if he is asked to leave and they ban him.
But, I think you won the battle anyway.
Really has shown who he is and who I always thought he was.
I'm sorry he has riled up your mom but at least the staff seems not to have been taken in by him 🤷🏻♀️
Her brother cannot receive care info nor participate in future care meetings. The SW handled the short meeting without the lead clinical nurse of that wing. I spoke with her about moms brother and spoke to another nurse about the situation. They are wondering about his motives….
He cannot take her out of the facility without my permission. Staff will contact me if anyone wants to take her out.
I was told they could not prevent him from visiting mom.
Looking forward to Wed. to meet for the REAL care meeting. Will also meet with staff & mom to explain she cannot return home.
My Mom was pretty much into her Dementia by the time AL/LTC came into the picture. Because of that, there was no need for her to be at Care meetings. She didn't understand what was going on. Does your Mom understand what these meetings are about, if not, no reason for her to attend. No reason for her brother to be there either because he does not make the decisions for her, you do. As POA you can request that he not be included in these meetings or be given any info on her care. YOU ARE THE POA. The only one the facility should be dealing with is you. Its up to you whether you give her brother any info on Mom. You are her representative. Everything you do is in her best interest and taking in consideration how she would do things. You are your Moms next of kin, not her brother.
I don't think you understand the "power" (for a better word) you have as POA. Your Mom assigned you, not her brother, to handle things for her. You and the facility work together to make Moms life as good as possible. It does not matter what brother wants or says, you are in charge. And you make the rules. This your Uncle needs to understand. HE IS NOT IN CHARGE!
I will most definitely speak to the SW (and email) that I do not give permission for him to take her out of the facility and to not receive information from them about her care. He will have to deal with me directly. Thanks for telling me that! I will ask to be notified to give permission to others if they want to take her out, e.g. her diner ‘friends’.
The LTC gave Mom a letter saying when the care meeting would be, which I saw a couple weeks ago. She told me her brother wanted to see the letter. I told her in no uncertain terms that I ALONE am responsible for her, and not her brother. I then texted him that Mom understands I am in charge of her safety and care. No return text, but shows up at this second meeting with his geri/psych & lawyer hat on . . .
Mom was not at the first care meeting, via telephone, and all went well. The SW said Mom did not participate in this second meeting and highly doubt everything got through to her. Her brother is ‘feeding’ her, I’m sure of it.
I called an in-person meeting for Wednesday after expressing my belief that Mom needs to hear from their medical professionals (not just me) why the need for her LTC.
Thank you, Jo!