My mom has been out of her house for a year. She is very confused and can't make a decision. I asked her permission to start packing up her stuff and possibly move towards selling house. She still thinks she will be home someday. She can’t come home to live for she is safer where she is. We been having this same conversation for a long time. I don’t want to feel guilty and just start packing up stuff anyways. I need peace and guidance on what to do. I’m very saddened by it all the house has been part of the family for over 50 years. I understand why she doesn’t want to let it go. But I feel its time because the house sits empty with no one living there.
mom has dementia she can not make a decision.
If she has been declared incompetent she legally can not make a decision.
Family decision time about all the "stuff"
Divide up what family wants. (try not to kill each other in the process.)
Pack up what is to be saved.
Sell what no one wants
Donate what will not sell.
Sell the house. Must be at Fair Market Value.
Money to be used for Mom's care.
Your indecision on what to do isn’t about the house itself... it’s that selling it would make it ‘real’ that Mom is incapacitated and life will never go back to how it was before. That you will lose her eventually. And those are hard things to accept.
Thing is, the memories and love you had in the house won’t end! You can keep those forever. The house is just a frame around a picture of your life, if that makes sense. Take the picture out of the frame, and it’s the same picture, yes?
I can only share my personal experience with my parents’ home. My mom passed in 2012 (Parkinson’s disease and pneumonia). At the time of her death, my dad was in nursing care (prostate cancer that spread to the hip and possibly other areas—he passed in 2016). Because we knew that he wasn’t returning home, we began to make plans regarding the house. I was POA, and the legal documents stated that I could make financial decisions including sale of property, etc.
Because my dad still had most of his mental faculties, I wanted to show him what the cost was for “maintaining” his empty house. I knew that if the house remained unoccupied, there would be a much higher insurance premium to pay. Once I showed him the bottom line, he agreed that it was time to sell the house.
The first thing I did was clean up some of the spaces and had a realtor come in to give us some ideas on possible updates we could do that would bring a higher resale value. We also had an inspection done, so we wouldn’t be surprised by major problems (there were several). Dad had enough money that could be used to update his basement and make it a liveable space, so we planned for that. There are 5 kids in my family and I discussed all of this with them. It wasn’t required, but I wanted to include them.
Before the remodel, we hired a company to do an estate sale. I had all my siblings decide what items were of sentimental value or that they just wanted to own and I had them remove the items before the Estate Sale. Whatever was left after the sale, the siblings rummaged through a second time and choose items for themselves or their kids, and the rest we donated.
Next came the remodel, which included touching up the trim on the outside of the house, updating some landscaping (my husband did this, since he owns a garden center), repairs made to a fireplace, treatment for termites and pests, some roofing needs, and completely painting the interior of the house to make it clean and fresh looking. We also worked through the checklist of recommendations by the home inspector. Once completed, we had a realtor come back to arrange for selling the house.
Once the house was nearly ready to sell, my brother and I took our dad through the house so that he could see the updates and have his moments (as we all needed) to recall fond memories and recognize that another family would now make their own memories in the house. It was a sweet time, even though months later Dad had forgotten that we put the house up for sale.
None of this is easy for those who have had fond memories of their family home and all the gatherings, parties, friendships, holidays, etc. But holding on when it’s past time to let go, is even more exhausting and emotional.
We sold the house to a young couple. My daughter and I revisited the house about 2 years later. The owner was so sweet to walk us through and show us the updates they had made. They had a son and the owner was so thrilled to be in this house raising her son. She said that she wanted this home to be their forever home and hoped to fill it with several children in the coming years. New family memories in our old family house—couldn’t be a better ending!
There are so many things that can happen, esp if it isn't local to any of you and sits unchecked. One very cold night (which we've been getting these past few days in the north east!!!) can cause major damage if the heat happens to fail. Break ins can happen. Critters can move in and do some damage too. The special policy we had to get required checking on it - didn't matter for me, I was there so many times/week for almost 2 years, working on getting it clean, clear and fixed!!! I was SO happy after it sold!!!
We had considered rental, but before even finishing the above, I'd had it. Who needs the extra work of being a landlord? Despite having 2 brothers, I was already doing most everything, for the condo, for mom, etc. and would end up being said landlord! Nope. Didn't need calls any time of day or night if something is wrong, didn't need to worry about deadbeats or damage, just sell it and get that Albatross (thanks JoAnn29!!) off my neck!!
My Mom passed away in December and I realized that going through all the personal things and selling the house while she was still alive was one step toward letting go. I was so glad I had that behind me so I could grieve her loss without also grieving the loss of the house I grew up in.
Everyone's decision is, of course, a personal one that is best for them and their family. I wish you peace in whatever you chose to do.
(Mom's back home; at the literal last minute we were able to find 24/7 aides.) It was the only house they/us kids had ever lived in. We're still cleaning and sorting and Mom's OK with that. Hey, all the cleaning means there's no time to grieve...
You can only do what you can do. I wish you luck.
We have downsized my aunt/uncle from a 4000 sq ft farm/house, to a 2 bedroom IL apartment. They took WAY more than they needed, and have some of it in storage. It's hard to see your beloved possessions go to another person, but sometimes it's necessary. I am a Bible Believing Christian and I like to think of it like the parable of the talents--we need to use the gifts we've been given and invest them, not just store them up.
As another poster wrote, "Your indecision on what to do isn’t about the house itself... it’s that selling it would make it ‘real’ that Mom is incapacitated and life will never go back to how it was before."
I went through a similar thing with my father, who had vascular dementia. Interestingly, I just stepped in and "did what needed to be done." But my older brother was in denial, and kept thinking that we could just have aides come in to assist him with his care and he would be okay living alone in the house. He seemed oblivious to the fact that it was "unsafe" for dad to do this as he was getting more and more confused with each passing month.