More and more projects, I am thinking about stepping down. Any advice?
It’s been a while all, I hope you’re all hanging in there.
Mom has been living well and independently since her stint in the rehab earlier this year but now she is back to her old game. She has little “projects” she wants to do but it involves tons of heavy lifting and building and back breaking work. So when she says, “I want to,” on these things, it’s really, “I want YOU to.”
Today was an awfully hot day, and she casually got my husband and me to do some ridiculous things around her house and when my husband got a bit frustrated at a tool that wasn’t working right - NOT AT ANYONE - she lit into him and me like we’d burned the house down. Wanted us to leave, go home, screamed at me, all of it.
So I screamed back. For 50 odd years she has done this to me, you show a little bit of emotion about anything and she takes it personally like she’s done something and she lashes out and she automatically thinks you’re pissed off at her and screams and screams and screams. I feel like that little child again. Except for today. I defended my husband, told her to stop jumping to conclusions and making everything about HER and be grateful for once.
She later apologized but it really was too late for me. I am done helping family. Her way of feeling validated is to get people to do things for her, all the while bullying, screaming, yelling and controlling. I can’t believe I yelled back today, but I did. I’m not sorry about it but the straw finally broke the back or however the saying goes. She said she would get a handyman to do these things from now on, and I told her, “Fine but I don’t want to hear about how they don’t do this, that, the other.”
Anything that’s not free she complains about.
I am also thinking about stepping down as executor, and letting one of my long distance siblings take over the job. Someone else needs to handle this and bear the cross so to speak.
Thanks for listening.
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Whatever your role is, POA, Executor, you have a life, too; just cause you have time to do something doesn't mean you're "available" to work for her (even if you just want to take time for you to do nothing!). If she can't take care of her own home and herself by herself and hiring help, maybe it's time for her to get out of that home and into a home where there's someone there to do whatever for her, and fewer projects to do .. an apartment, condo, independent or assisted living?
Unless you just don't want to deal with being Executor or POA, maybe leave it, and just tell mom to call one of the other family members when she needs help? Just cause you live closest or named Executor or POA doesn't mean you do it all and by yourself, or be used.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
We get so involved in 'helping' that we can totally lose sight of the bigger picture--
'is this job necessary? Will it improve mom's QOL? Oh, and the biggy-do I WANT to do it?'
My also asks for stuff that is beyond ridiculous and pointless. She does that to get us to jump up pay attention. She also overreacts to being told 'no'. I myself jumped to her demands for years and years, and while most of them were silly and small--there sure were some huge ones that required time, money and my sanity.
I've gone 'grey rock' on her. I'm not totally incommunicado, but she doesn't know how to use her phone, so she isn't capable of her calling me, so I always have called her, or gone to see her. I've stopped, and she can't get to me when we don't speak. Can you try that? Before going 'grey rock' I was only seeing her when I wanted to and only doing what I felt was important. Also, YB keeps tight reins on her as to where she can go and with whom.
I currently am undergoing chemotherapy for cancer. When I told her (15 weeks ago) that I had cancer, she said 'Oh, daddy will be so glad to see you" (dad's been gone 15 years).
That comment let me know that she A: was pretty checked out and B: didn't even CARE about what I was going through.
Speechless, I patted her on the shoulder and said "I'll say 'hi' to him for you.
13 weeks later ( and 3 infusions, halfway done) she found someone who would dial my number. went through some ridiculous spiel about how she'd been on the phone all day calling every hospital in the valley trying to find me. I said "Why didn't you try my HOUSE because that's where I am".
My focus is on me right now. It has to be. I am polite to mother, but I am not hauling up to her house so she can see my bald head and bruised eyes..I look horrible and I honestly don't want to see her. Actually, I can't get near her, she has feral birds and they are toxic to me.
I don't know if you can stop talking to her--prior to this, some years ago, mother used the 'suicide threat' constantly to get us to step in line. I finally called her out on it and it was NOT pleasant. But she stopped.
Take control of the relationship. If she gets wacko--walk away. No yelling or explaining why you aren't going to dig a koi pond or roof the house-just walk away. When you fall apart and yell, you are on the same level as she is--and you're better than that!
Set tough boundaries and if she has a problem, let her know she can call the siblings. And let them know you're stepping out. I told mine and none of them will do anything. Meh, that's life.
As far as stepping out as executor, I wouldn't do that. That kicks in after she dies and you may feel that you can do a better job at it. There's no real responsibility for the executor prior to death.
Try a few weeks of not talking to her. No fights, no drama, just no communication. It's freeing, really.
Good Luck--you are not alone in this dynamic of life!
It all is just habit. Habitual ways of responding.
It is sounding like you are well along on the path to realizing you just cannot do it all. And even if you COULD do it all, being a Saint out there in the real world is a thankless thing. Ask any Saint you know.
Good luck! You can only change yourself. Not them.
As to being executor, they will be gone when all that happens and you can put it into the hands of a lawyer, for the most part. Not cheap, but easier. If you mean you are doing POA currently, it is a big JOB; I know, and I am only doing it for a small, easy, organized estate and a very cooperative and sweet person. I would love to see a fiduciary take it over for pay, a guardian, almost anyone else, but can still manage to do it, so am keeping on keeping on. Were I to get any grief, that would be an instant end to that.
We all deal with issues in our daily lives. Boundaries therapy teaches us that each one of us is responsible to deal with our own issues. It is only when the issue to too big for us to literally handle on our own that it becomes someone else's responsibility. For example, my Mom would like me to come over and take her out every day of the week. I work from home and realized (once she returned from a rehab facility) that I could manage 2-3 days a week. Even though she said things that triggered guilt, I held my boundary. BUT if she needs to go to the doctor, etc. that is something that I am responsible for because she can't do it on her own.
We are all responsible for our own emotions. When you begin to set boundaries with people who have crossed your boundaries routinely in the past, they will react in a negative manner. But if you remain calm and hold fast to your boundary, things will begin to change. I learned that I have a part in my recovery - I am not simply a victim. My behavior of ALLOWING others to cross my boundaries was deeply rooted in my childhood where I was groomed to be this way. But the happy news is that this can all be changed if you get the right help. I hope that you are taking that journey. You will know that you are on your way when you no longer feel guilty for asserting your own boundaries. You will know that you are a human being who deserves a drama free existence, and there is nothing wrong with doing just that.
POA does not mean you fetch and carry. It means that you handle finances making sure bills are paid. Handyman hired. Set up LTC. You don't have to be hands on. Its not a job for someone who doesn't live near your Mom.
Just because they are our parents, doesn't mean they don't need to know how they take advantage of us. We r adults and deserve the same respect they feel we owe them.
Speaking of The Straw that Broke the Camels Back, huh? I'm glad you did what you had to do with your bully of a mother. Enough is enough.
I’m in therapy to finally not be that “child” any more, but after that final snap I had today I may just be grown up after all. I have done so much for this woman, I even help her financially but today she bit the hand that fed her. I’m done. Apology or no apology.
I have no children and people always ask me “well who will take care of you when you’re old or sick or whatever.” Believe me after surviving all this I WILL take care of me. I’ll find a way and have already made plans. If I’d had them I’d have sent them on their way to be independent people not reduced to my whims, behaviors, or crap attitude, which even I am known for sometimes. But I’m not abusive.
My mother never wanted me to leave, so thus she never conveniently had the money to help me with college, a car, or an apartment. “Apply for a loan,” she would say, when I qualified for absolute zero.
How my husband hasn’t left me yet I do not know.
Dang, leave when she goes out of it. Don't enable by taking it and staying around.
And when you’re the only child in the immediate radius you get to do it all. So yes I should have left but it was important to let out 51 years worth of hurt and anger. My siblings get to have very filtered phone calls on the occasions that they choose to call. They are going to have to take a more active role. I’m not her only child.
Good job!