More sibling dynamics/dysfunction venting w/questions!
I am one of 3 children: older brother (married, no kids); me in the middle (single, no kids) and younger sister (married w/kids). I'm mom's primary/sole live-in caregiver (by choice), as brother lives 8 hours away and sister is 3 hours away. Sister has been supportive: multiple daily check-in's and visits as much as possible. Other than a few minor disagreements (sis thinks caring for mom is like caring for children), we're pretty much in agreement. Brother on the hand is henpecked, clueless and just overall unsupportive. He calls our mom maybe 2 to 3x's per month and has dropped in for a short 20 min. visit maybe 4 times since 2017, when mom got sick. (Cancer, CHF, dementia, bedbound and physically unable to use hands).
Recently things came to a head with my brother. I DO NOT like his wife, in fact no one really does. For the most part the family has tolerated her because she is his wife and that's about it. In short, my brother is henpecked by his controlling wife and she has basically alienated him from his family and HE has allowed this to happen!
During a recent conversation with my brother he kept saying how he is the oldest. I'm not sure what that means or matter since he's been to super busy to ever step up and take charge of anything, ever! He also kept bringing up his wife to which I replied, she's an in-law to me. I kindly informed him of some foul statements his wife has made i.e. "mom is not spending our inheritiance is she" ...his wife made that statement shortly after our father passed 20+ years ago and many others I'll hold off on for now. I ended the conversation by reminding him that I would not be chasing him to provide updates, if he wants to know what's going on he'll have to call or find out from the streets i.e. hearsay.
So my questions are:
(1) should I clarify with brother what being the oldest actually means?
(2) should I tell brother that mom's POA's designates me, sister then him, in that order, to act on her behalf? Also, mom's will specifically mentions her 3 children only, no in-laws.
(2a) I doubt if brother (the oldest) even knows these documents exist. Mom told me because I've always been involved even before sickness. Should I tell him about these documents or just let his oldest a$$ figure it out?
(3) Mom added me to her checking# 20+ years ago when Dad passed, so I've been able to take care of her monthly expenses and I keep meticulous records because I'm a decent person and from what I've learned here on AG.
I doubt if brother even realizes that mom can't even write checks or anything period.
(4) My only concern is mom's beneficiary information on her retirement and life insurance policies. With her dementia it's really a mute point now?
Thanks for letting me vent and for any helpful responses or suggestions.
I think some of us do vent this stuff because we truly cannot wrap our heads around comments that family make....and we never will - but it does come help to come here and help us feel a little less crazy by sharing each other’s crazy stories.
Even before my moms stroke (when mom was healthy and independent) my sister made comments about moms choices in her will. As if they were hers to question. Since that day - I have hoped my mother uses all her money and all that is left in the end is just our memories. I say this as the 100% unpaid 24/7 caregiver who will have the memories when Mom isn’t here. I tell her everyday - you spent years working your butt off - now god said it’s time to rest and have fun and do whatever you want - your 2 kids are now grown and your grandchildren are adults - this is your time - do for you ;). She can buy the new iPad that makes it easier for her to use - she can provide herself with the higher quality supplies that she needs daily - she has out of pocket private PT that comes to my home to see her - because of all she sacrificed in her lifetime. This is her time and I hope your mom does the same. By NO a means is my mom wealthy and neither am I - but it is surely her turn to take care of herself and not care what is left behind for adult children.
What is that saying? What people think of us is none of our business. In other words it doesn't matter unless we make it matter.
As far as distribution of inheritances etc. What your mother stated in her will before she became ill should stand should it not? What your brother or his wife think they are entitled to doesn't enter into it.
The bottom line is that you have the power/control which means you also have the responsibility. Your energy is best invested in your mom and yourself. Your brother's involvement and his marriage aren't your situation to handle. You have enough to do taking care of your mom. Let him be responsible for himself, both in his marriage and in taking the time to know what is happening with your mom.
I would have ONE conversation with him, tell him what you told US and then let it go. If he cannot find it in his super busy life to answer the dang phone! then he's too busy to give a second thought to.
My DH has been written out of his mother's will b/c he will not divorce me. He's still the executor, but no money will come our way. How twisted is that? I hate it when people hold 'the inheritance' over someone's head like a carrot on a stick.
Hopefully you are not co-mingling any of your money in Mom's account. You should be paying with her name on checks and with your name "under POA".
As to brother, let him alone. Tell him when he wants information he should call and ask for it, given that you don't get along with his wife. If he doesn't call then let him. It doesn't matter a fig what his "I am oldest meant" and it makes no sense poking sticks at snakes. Concentrate on Mom, instead.
No comingling of funds, mom has her own money and so do I. I just write her checks because she is unable to do so.
At this point I really don't have the energy to check her polcies and beneficiary information. It is what it is since she has dementia.
You mentioned my father? He's deceased. But if he is still listed, how does one work through that scenerio? Thanks!
As to telling him what being the eldest means -- I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. What's your intent with that one?
Re #2: You can certainly tell him that he's the third on the list of POAs. I don't anyone should be on anyone else's POA without their knowledge. My husband found out he was his parents' Trustee (for a while) from one of his siblings. That would have been quite the surprise if his folks died and he was hit with that out of the blue.
You can update him about your mom weekly or monthly if you want -- or not. I'm not sure what you expect from him. People do what they do, and it isn't worth stressing out about something you can't change. His relationship with his wife is none of your business. If he wants to hand over his entire inheritance to her, he can, and there's nothing you can do about it, but as I said, you could let it drop that that money belongs solely to him unless he chooses to share it with her.
I need him to tell me what being the oldest means....he's the one who brough it up. As far as I'm concern it means nothing when you have never taken any type of leadership or bothered to be concerned.
As far as updates, he can reach out to me for them when he's not too busy. As I've stated, I'm not chasing him down.
And thank GOD his wife is none of my business. I don't ever discuss her and he shouldn't either and that's where the problem lies....she doesn't exist to me.
Mom had an emergency on Wed and I was trying to reach him but he was unavailable. I called him twice and he didn't answer but when I texted he responded...that being too busy stuff rubbed me the wrong the way and things escalated. He was angry I guess because I was angry and one thing led to another which ended up him saying this oldest stuff and bringing up his wife. I'm just guessing and I really don't know.
You are doing the caring so its logical that u would hold POA. At this point, I would not tell him he is #3. He may give him the impression he has some say. He doesn't. And for the wife, what she thinks does not play into this because she really has no say. Not her parent.
And, I'm really uncomfortable discussing mom's finances with him because he's so henpecked....and what the wife thinks does come into play becasue she rules him, sadly!