My mother has always had a difficult personality, and has been in ALF for 1.5 yrs. Either I am with her, or a companion almost all day and evening. She has become aggressive, hitting and kicking at CNA's when they try to care for her. She is refusing to get in her wheelchair for meals, and refusing to allow them to put her nightgown on at night. She gives me difficulty too...but I know her well enough that I can work around her. However, I have to work fulltime, and cannot be there all the time. We've increased her Lexapro a bit to see if it would help, but so far no. She does have moderate dementia, and so far talking to her hasn't been helpful. She mainly is angry that her life is out of her control, and feels that she is being pushed around. Has anyone else dealt with this issue? What was helpful to you? Would be grateful for any guidance.
I've been trying to learn to "detach with love" and realize that I can't control her behavior. It's difficult.
And hope the transistion to no memory at all is fast and not too painful
acceptance is so crucial. If he didn't want to do something, I would ask him if we could do something a bit differently or delay the meal if he wanted to read or rest. Everything takes tons of time as they move towards 90 yrs old. Rushing never works.
I'm sort of a fan of medication, because I know two difficult people who became lovely people when on antipsychotics. Taking the time to gentle the elder into cooperating lines up more with my philosophy, but I might not have the patience to carry it out.
The aides in facilities vary. Some are sweet and gentle and loving. Others react badly to resistance, or are rough, or sometimes even MEAN. Well, they don't get much money or respect. Old age ain't for sissies.
I have heard people recommend videos by Teepa Snow. They sound really helpful.
I do think elders lived in a different world then ours. They are reluctant to take baths , disrobe with all the aides. They want to maintain their privacy and I think we should allow for that. My father was only bathed by the primary aide and me. He told me he did not want to have just anyone off the street, bathing him. I would bath him later, after work on days when the primary aide was off. If it makes him feel better it really isn't asking too much. They like to keep their dignity.
I also found some of the younger aides did not have the ability to talk or have a conversation with an elder. The day is just too long to have them in the home if they are not able to talk to an elder--show them caring etc. Many of the younger aides aren't talkers because they text their BFFs all day long. I did have a young male aide who was able to talk sports to my dad and he so enjoyed those conversations. I tried to request him but of course he was in demand by the agency because he was a pro.
Hang in there, error on the side of compassion. Old age isn't the time to try to change or control an elder. Their time with us is short.
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