My fiance and I currently live with my mother-- I attend college + work from home and he works a full-time job (he is also interested in going back to college). We eventually want to move out and be on our own (I am 22 and he is 25 so we of course want to live our own lives). My mother is 64 years old and very irresponsible with money. My fiance pays her $150/month rent which pays the electric bill, we buy the groceries/food (she rarely has money to help), and we pay the cable bill + phone (two services that she wants but we ended up paying for it--- we also pay for internet but we need that and she uses the wifi anyway to play games + apply for loans and scroll Facebook). She needs the phone to talk to my sister (an irresponsible woman who bums off my mother) and her boyfriend (a man who practically uses my mother for rides and I believe for her money). My mother does not work and draws partial retirement off my father who passed away in 2012 (she quit working because she felt like it). We are stuck having to do house repairs, paying bills for her, and other stuff. She is constantly applying for loans that she can't afford to support her restaurant food addiction and irresponsible spending (she literally refuses to cook and won't let us-- unless I buy groceries and set my foot down). The only bill she pays is for her vehicle + car insurance + some of her debts. She is behind on lot rent where she lives + did not pay her property taxes. She gets a little over $1000 a month and should be able to budget it. We help where we can but we are honestly wore out and it is putting strain on our relationship. I do not know of a single person our age who has to deal with an irresponsible parent like this. She recently consolidated her debt (yay a good thing) but is putting herself back in debt. I have mentioned moving out eventually because we need our own life/privacy and to work on our relationship + build a life but she was moody about it and said that she can't afford to live on her own without us. She basically guilt trips and pouts while telling lies to everyone (that we don't help out and are freeloading when technically it is the other way around). What should we do?
Side note-- Besides the obvious financial issues she expects us to jump when she says so, to do what she wants 24/7, and she leaves little to no room for negotiations or our own lives.
You two must move. Your mom is young. But you can no longer enable her behavior of self destruction. It really bothers me when parents impose on couples just starting up. A good parent will encourage you to spread your wings and leave the nest. That parent is being selfish, pure and simple.
Tims to cut the cord.
Best of luck!
She'll act like a cornered tasmanian devil and thrash about and pout and pull out all the stops. Ignore it and don't engage it. Help her apply for assistance, food stamps, section 8 housing. My dolt of a MIL and her sneaky, ne're-do-well husband who hardly worked were chronically financially irresponsible: borrowed money from literally everyone and never repaid it. Concerned, well-meaning family members would meet with them and spend hours creating budgets and giving sound financial advice but were completely ignored. This went on for 30 years! They thought we were going to drop everything to pander to them in their old age and infirmity. They not only had no money but were in deep cc debt and were upside down on their mortgage. My MIL went onto Medicaid and moaned about it and we allowed stepFIL to become ward of the state. On a particularly bad day they had the nerve to weepily say to me, "We never imagined retirement would be like this." And I informed them that this was the retirement they had "planned" for. Am I sad that anyone would waste their lives like that? Yes. But many other lives would have been ruined if we would have voluntarily joined in the chaos. Move out and move on.
1000 a month is really not a lot to live on even if Mom owns her trailer. I am assuming that her lot rent is about 400 a month. That doesn't leave her with much. I am assuming that "Dads retirement" is his Social Security. If this is not so, then she needs to apply for SS. Maybe even SSI since her income is so low. I have a feeling Dad kept her reined in when it came to money and when he died, she went wild.
Not sure if Mom will ever be "good" with money but she is not too old to learn. If Mom is collecting SS, her money can be put on a debt card. This may help with her not being able to hand money to others. She can apply for food stamps. I think they allow take out now. If she has no health insurance there is Medicaid. Can't afford her car, upkeep on it and insurance, then she needs to get rid of it. There are Senior buses to take u to appts and shopping. There are food pantries.
What you may want to do is make an appointment with Office of Aging. See what resources are out there for Mom. Get her lot rent up to date. She can be evicted for nonpayment and that effects u too. Her phone...there are government phones with Tracfone and I think cellular. She will, get a simple Android with a certain number of minutes, free. Xtra min she can pay for.
If the trailer and lot rent is too much for her on her own, there is Senior housing that takes 1/3 of her income for rent. Where I live there's a discount on electric. Cable would be her responsibility. That u can get basic, $25, or get a good antenna.
Now, her eating out. Breakfast and lunch she can do herself. Now dinner, it may not be too bad if she uses fast food coupons. If she is ordering from a restaurant, you can get 2 or 3 meals out of one. Where I live, you get soup or salad, main course, and dessert. Soup can be used for lunch. The meal can go for two meals and dessert is the treat.
There are ways to make a dollar go farther but yes, it takes sacrifice. Like said, Mom has another 20/30 years. She cannot depend on other people.
The way I see it, the only way to get the druggie back on the right track is for you two to move out and stop paying anything towards your mother's upkeep. She has to hit bottom to change her behavior with the druggie, who in turn has to be cut off so she can reach bottom. Only at the bottom does true change occur. It's your job as loving family members to help them reach the bottom. By enabling them both to continue as they are, you are disrespecting them as independent agents of their own future.
Moving out and ignoring the toddler behavior of whining and fit-throwing is the only way to spark a change. Don't say you can't when you mean you won't.
Since you work from home, you will need to put money aside for your own retirement, that should be part of your budget. You’ve had a real eye opener for how things go for those engaging in financial irresponsibility, so start planning for your own. Stop subsidizing her lifestyle and figure out your own. My hunch is that your future includes eating in, ramen noodles, repairing your own things. You’ve seen how her decisions and lifestyle have worked out for mother. You don’t need that albatross hanging round your neck. If you don’t move out, you will be suckered into a debt-funded lifestyle that will get worse over time, as you tread water to keep three people afloat. Two retirees here, and retirement budget does not allow for eating our nor convenience foods. Constantly tweaking our budget, making every dollar do the work of two, where possible. She can do the same.
As for mom, she is an adult. She will put herself into financial ruins, and she will have to deal with it herself. It’s not your job to go back and teach her. If she’s complaining to others and accusing you of anything, you really cannot control what she says or what they choose to believe. Move past it. By showing everyone that you are simply moving out to start a life toward self-sufficiency, you may not need to defend yourself against what she is saying. Your actions will prove differently.
It took me a long time to realize that it just does not matter what anyone else thinks. You cannot control what anyone else thinks, says, or does. Do what aligns best with your future plans. Where do you see yourself in one year? Plan to get there now....
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