My mother is 88 and lives independently in an apartment since her sister died two years ago. Although I take her out twice a week and she goes to church on Sunday, she complains about everything: her neighbors, being alone, being bored, and has herself with a myriad of dire ailments. Two doctors have told her that she is in good health, but needs to work on her anxiety. She doesn't take the medication they prescribe, saying they don't know anything about medications. Instead, she keeps looking for "fixes," like calling a nun to give her communion (when I could), having someone come in to clean (then abandons it), signing up to go to the senior center for lunch, then complains everyone is in "cliques." If I try to give her any suggestions, she just cuts me off, but tries to imply that something is seriously wrong with her, and I need to "realize that she needs more help." I work from home, my husband is retired, and this nonsense is really dragging me down. If she wanted to get out more, she has a bus at her apartment, a cab she could take anywhere in town, and a trusted neighbor of mine who is willing to come at least one other day of the week. We took her to my son's wedding in PA for the weekend a few weeks ago, but instead of enjoying herself, she got herself into a snit over what she perceived as not being "greeted properly" by some of our nieces. It was a stress just having her there because she looked mad and acted terrible the entire weekend. I don't want to be unkind, but she is such a downer to be around now, I can't wait to go home or get off the phone when I call her on the days we're not out. She is a narcissist, and all my life she has wanted everyone else to fix the problems she creates. I refuse to give in to giving her more of my time when she is 1. so ungrateful, and 2. she is creating issues to get attention. My thought is to just listen and start saying, "I don't know what to tell you" and staying on course. I would appreciate any input. Thank you.
I would get therapy, but I think I might be more proactive in my dealings with her. To me, I don't mind people feeling bad, if they should feel bad. For example, I look at who should be feeling bad....me, who is the dutiful daughter, spending time to support, encourage and love my mom through incredibly horrible behavior or her, who is selfish, bullheaded, and refusing to help herself. Easy choice. Let her feel bad. If she feels bad, maybe she will stop complaining and listen to doctors orders. I have no reason to feel bad.
I would explain that a lot of her misery is brought on by anxiety and/or depression and that the meds might help. And unless she tries the meds for a few months, I would not subject myself to her constant complaining. Then that's what I would do.
I know she's your mom, but how can you stay positive with so much negativity in your life?
Basically you just have to protect yourself as much as you can, because at 88, your mom's not gonna change - her negativity will only get worse!
But I realise that reality with a narcissist is not so straightforward. I agree with Babalou that you do honestly seem to know what you're doing. Can I prescribe regular venting, rather than pinching your mother's medication? :)
When she says that you have to appreciate that she needs more help, and you ask her what she has in mind, does she ever nail it down to plausible specifics? Or do you just get more background noise in reply? Sigh.
The only caveat I'd add is that the perceived slights and, especially, the bit about her doctor having confused her with her sister: these two incidents do ring a couple of dementia alarm bells, because they sound a little bit like her trying to make sense of situations that for some reason aren't making complete sense to her. Keep an eye on it.
Hm. In good health, or in good health (for 88)? Do you know what they checked out?
If you are the child of a narcissistic mother, going into therapy yourself may be necessary to heal the scars and withstand the increasing demands.
Has she ever been to a geriatric psychiatrist she sounds like someone whose mood and outlook might be improved by antidepressants that have antianxiety properties, rather than straight antianxiety meds.