My mom and my sister have always been close, especially since the passing of my dad 4 years ago. My sister and I are different whereas I am more independent and I do not ask my mom for help and handle my own issues but my sister asks mom for everything with no guilt whatsoever! My mom is getting ready to retire and she is afraid of living alone as she is getting older. When my dad passed away, my sister sold her home and my mother sold her home and the bought a mother/daughter house out of state (where we are originally from) and slowly broke the news to me. I was hurt that they did that and my biggest mistake is that I failed to say anything in order to keep the peace. To make a long story short, the arrangement didn't work out after 3 years and they sold their mother/daughter house. My relatives were telling my mom that she was making a mistake and that it was unfair to me to even have made the purchase but she said she had to put herself first. Following the sale of their house, my sister and her family moved out of state and about a mile away from where I am living now. They are renting a house right now and looking to buy soon. Well, when mom was out visiting for spring break she started to talk about relocating as she missed the grandkids, etc. I would love for mom to be closer to us!!! So what is the problem? I am hurt that my mom and my sister purchased another mother/daughter house about a mile away from me and said NOTHING to me about it until the closing. They didn't even tell me about it - they went through my teenage kids and texted them the news. When I confronted them about how hurt I was - they told me that they thought I knew about their plans and that I need to not make any problems because we will all finally be together and that mom will be taken care of. All of these decisions were made without me. They basically called me and told me of the "terms and conditions" which I think was a pretty sneaky and disgusting thing to do. The mother/daughter house is quite extravagant and will be in my moms name - so she said it will be my house too. I just don't envision my sister and her husband maintaining a home that is part mine?? It's very complicated. In addition my sister is enjoying her new car and planning on putting her kids into private school next year - where is she getting this money from? MOM!!!. Ifeel my sister doesn't have my mother's best interest - she is enjoying her money!! My mom is to blame because she is enabling this situation and I feel very left out of all of it. I am hurt and upset as well as my husband. My mom and sister think I am being ridiculous - so that is why I am here - looking for advice as to how do I carry on - I am so hurt and disgusted. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I just can't go over there for family get togethers and pretend everything is fine - some people say it is what it is...other say walk away - I don't need the BS. But, it is my family! My husband says for me not to feel bad about anything because they obviously didn't care about me or my feelings when they were planning this behind my back! What a mess! Any advice would be so appreciated! Thank you!
Apparently you and your husband and your friends all think that they done you wrong by not consulting you. I have a hard time relating to that conclusion.
1) Why would Mother need your input or permission or consultation to decide where/how she wanted to live? Does she have dementia? Is she not competent to make her own decision? Did you have a long-standing pattern of the three of you talking her decisions over?
2) If she had kept you informed of what was going on, perhaps invited you to inspect the houses they were considering, and generally kept you in the loop, how to you think the outcome would have been different? What did you want the outcome to be? Did you want her to buy a house for the three of you + spouses? Did you want her to live alone? What would you have advised? What are the chances you could have convinced her to do it your way?
It sounds like perhaps you feel that your sister was always the favorite, always got more from your parents than you did. And perhaps your sister was/is taking financial advantage of your mother. Those kinds of "wrongs" make a little more sense to me. As Perseverance suggests, figure out what is really bothering you about this situation, and talk honestly about your feelings, with Mom and maybe with Sister.
My five children are not carbon copies. Even the identical twins are unique individuals. They have different personalities, different strengths, different needs. Though I love them all equally, I don't treat them all the same. I don't have the same kind of relationship with each of them. I would hope that if any of them ever question the inequities or feel slighted they would confront me about it and give me a chance to explain and assure them of my unconditional love.
I think your situation is what it is. You may be able to clear the air and come to some informed decisions about it if you carefully identify what hurts you and disgusts you, and in particular how you would like it remedied, and then talk calmly with your mother about it.
I especially think sharing personal experiences is helpful. But it is the nature of discussion boards that when you reveal something personal you open yourself up to judgment and criticism. Based on reading two paragraphs about my life, a poster feels qualified to say that I am a selfish parent, that I play favorites among my children, that I promote sibling rivalry, and that I’ll be lucky if any of my children deign to offer me assistance in my time of need. Whew!
I know the nature of discussion boards, and usually I am able to take this kind of attack in stride. This is not from someone who has ever met me or my children or who knows anything about my family life. But right now I’m feeling vulnerable and a bit fragile. I just don’t need this kind of grief, ya know?
I’m going to take a break from this board for a while. I have a strong feeling I’ll be back – there are some really good and insightful people here. I just need to protect myself from personal attack for a while. Call it respite … and I’m always preaching about the need for respite!
But, Jeanne, a break is a break. Sometimes we need them, but please don't be effected by someone who made an ignorant assumption.
Jealousy and sabotage often attempt to thwart wisdom. Truth and common sense withstands the onslaught. Take Care, Jeanne:) xoxo
If possible I would try and just enjoy everyone being close together. For your own sanity-not for them. For you. You know they were wrong, your husband does as well, forgive them for their faults and try and be happy with what they can give. I know it is hard but I think it will save you some wasted energy--some people just will not change.
Good luck. And ---these are just my suggestions from what I gathered from your post---if I am way off base I am sorry. (((hugs))))
It appears you may be a very selfish mother and maybe even have a "favorite son." I am a mother and know we love our children and since they can be so different, we treat them according to their individual personalities but "partially knowing it" and "partially showing it" are two different matters and we should not show partially. How could you hurt the others like that and not care?. What is wrong with families who do not discuss their problems or keep them together by allowing each one to be aware of what is going on in the family. One day the son cleaning the gutters may not be the one taking care of you when you need to be in unable to make your own decisions. But, if you continue to act like you are with your children, you may only have one willing to help you when you need each of them to be there for you, and the favorite son may not be there for you should he marry and no longer need you. I could understand the others reason for not wanting to be there for you when you are unable to take care of yourself? Discussing these family matters is a courtesy that we owe each other. I hope your other children will not hold this against you when you finally need them. Family's were put together to be together and help one other and it hurts when your own parent shuts you out.
Sunny
See-this is one of those situations, no offense karengra, when I wish we could hear both sides of the story. Maybe we, as strangers unemotionally involved, could be bipartisan-is that the right phrase?
I feel we do not know your whole story karengra-maybe you could fill us in on details like -how communicative is your family on other issues? Is there a feeling of a favorite in the family? Does sis have a history of getting money from your parents? How is the relationship with your Mom outside of this manner?
Anyway-either way-good luck.
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