She refused any tests and so no idea how far cancer might have spread. The biggest issue, and I think it has to do with the dementia, is her anger at being assisted at the toilet and, when she is unable to walk on her own, at being changed. She screams and fights with the caregiver and anybody else who is trying to touch her, yet she must have assistance with this. My father (also 94) is understandably upset and angry at the caregivers. She will trust him most of the time but he cannot be there for her all the time. He accuses everybody of mistreating her. Understandably, she cannot be allowed to sit in urine or feces but it breaks my heart to hear her angry complaints. Is this normal in dementia patients? Any ideas? Thanks a million.
If you have a chance, please update us. You are going through a terrible time.
Carol
You're right, your mom can't sit around in wet or soiled pants. Have you considered talking to her Dr. about an anti-anxiety medication? If just the physical fighting could get under control she can complain all she wants but those pants have to be changed.
Your dad just hears his wife in distress and reacts. I think it would be upsetting for anyone in his shoes. Maybe you or someone else can discuss with him the importance of having caregivers for your mom and that they're not actually harming her, that it's her dementia he's seeing and hearing. Does your dad understand dementia? I know he lives with it but does he really understand the disease of dementia and what it can do to a person? Maybe a little education might not be a bad idea for your dad.
I don't know that I would recommend lots of tests, though, I would ensure that she is kept comfortable as possible with medication. If you dad believes the caretakers are hurting her, then I would be careful to explain what is really happening. Is he able to comprehend? Being around that kind of situation around the clock can be very stressful. I'd try to get him away for breaks.
Just a thought, if they don't have any formal training, sometimes they could be handling your mom in an inefficient way that may cause her pain. Although, I must say, while running a home health care agency, there were many situations similar to yours that came up. A lot of the times families would complain and I would send our RN in to see what was going on. She would state that the caregivers were doing everything they could and that it was just a situation where the client would not be happy with anyone helping them. Have you thought of palliative care? I agree with the comment about hospice. They are very good at what they do! If you can have an agency that works on helping your dad out too, whether it just be support or even giving him a break, you have a winner.
Wishing you the best of luck though this tough time.
I agree that hospice is the very best solution.
And some palliative care to calm her and ease the burden of such a disease.
We are all in these situations together.
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