Even bad-mouthing me to my sisters. I've given a tremendous amount of time and effort to my parents, with my Mother undoing much of the work I've put in, such as cancelling appointments and not telling me, denying it, and saying "we don't need all of this". When we get to appointments, I find them cancelled.
Today, over the phone, she thought she was speaking with one of my sisters when she said that I am difficult to deal with. Hurt and angry, I told her she was speaking with me. She laughed... I said good bye and hung up.
I can deal with my father, but my mother has never been co-operative, and I am burnt out because of her.
She does have dementia, but has always been manipulative and critical. I don't have the patience required to deal with this.
How can I balance caring for my father with my mother's interference?
Whenever I was at my parents house my Mom became very rude to the Caregivers, like I mentioned earlier voicing her inner Donald.... like "is the fat one staying overnight?"..... oh dear, how embarrassing, but the Caregiver just smiled and took it in stride, in fact she put her finger to her lips to let me know don't say anything back to my mother.
But she said my Mom was last evening, in fact offering supper to the Caregiver plus breakfast. The Caregiver learned quickly not to help out with the cooking unless she saw something heavy Mom was lifting. Now, this is what the Caregiver was saying, don't know how true or to make me feel better.
The caregivers are saying that my Mom doesn't want to lose her independence, that it is her job to make meals and feed her husband, and to wash their own clothes. It would take a team of wild horses to get my Mom to move out of that house. And since my parents are still of clear mind, there isn't much I can do.
Read all you can about dementia on this site. I know it seems like your mom is now acting in a way that reminds you of your worst 8 year old self, and would have gotten you sent to your room or worse, but it's really the disease.
I have tried diligently to keep in my heart and mind that God wouldn't bring me to it if I couldn't do it. I just need to develop the skill-set and set healthy boundaries, while lowering my expectations of my parents' abilities.
Thanks to all of you who have brought a little bit of grace to my day. I am truly grateful for the kindness and understanding of complete strangers today.
Still, it hurts. Must let it go, right now, don't stew about it or even rehearse it. It is the disease, not her, not your mom.
A DVT was recently diagnosed as well as a tumor in his bladder that will need surgery. He is on a short-acting blood-thinner, a sub-Q shot 1X daily. It needs to be administered at the same time everyday, and they both will forget sometimes, thus the daily reminder phone call from me.
My mother is severely hearing impaired and demented (forgetful, cognitive deficient, etc.) and VERY negative, moody and critical. She displays emotional reactions to nearly everything, and refuses to even try to listen, read or understand anything about these health issues my father is experiencing. She just wants it to all go away...
Meanwhile, 2 out her 3 daughters are losing time and money at work to come help them, while they become increasingly beligerent about not cooperating, In fact, they've almost gotten to the point of rebelling against our help.
I just don't have the energy to waste on this level of foolishness. Perhaps I need to coping build skills and learn new, effective ways to manage helping them.
They did decline all resources made available through the senior center. that certainly did not help! The 3rd sister was supposed to line up home care and other resources, but has completely dropped the ball and is incomminicado. No help at all to us.
So until we can find a facility for them to live out the remainder of their lives, we're stuck with this tremendous challenge. And I'm stuck with a mean Mom who acts like a spoiled nine year brat.
So right now, it feels to me that dad is in the more acute "state of need". Can you get dad some home health csre, through his doctor? Would he agree to go yo an Assisted Living facility for a few months? Can he vome live with one of you temporarily while he's getting treatment?
Your mom sounds like the type ofvperson where it's going to have to get much worse til it gets better. Like she's going to have to refuse in home care, fall and end up in the hospital. And then the folks at the hospital will tell her in no uncertain terms that she can't go home.
I really though my parents would be safer with 24-hour caregiver service, Dad loves it, but not Mom.... so I am slowly cutting back the hours. Mom thinks I can come over to help, but that's not happening, not in my own elder stage of life :P
Yes, 2tents, my Mom's attitude also got so nasty with the Caregivers, even insulting them.... guess she's voicing her inner Donald :)
How I wish my parents would also go into sometime a retirement facility as this is slowly cutting my life short.
My mother is my father's primary caregiver, but she is grossly incapable, forgetting to give him critical meds on time. I was calling with a reminder everyday, but Mom's attitude got so nasty that the frustration began cutting into my work performance, I stopped calling.
We do need to have someone stopping in to check that the meds are administered properly and on time, but this requires paying someone daily which long-term care insurance does not cover.
It's difficult having my mother stand in the way of my father receiving proper care. I do wish that they get into assisted living SOON so the burden will be lifted somewhat from me and my sister.
If you do, you need to talk to you father's medical providers (the receptionists and nurses) and trll them that you mother has dementia and has no authority to cancel appointments.
I'm hoping that your dad has help and care at home other v than your mom.