My mother is a very healthy 98-year-old who has been living with me for many years. The past two years have been so difficult, her dementia became violent and she hallucinated that the sitter and myself were trying to kill her. She no longer recognized me. She wanted to move back to her native country of France. I actually took her there to visit for 6 weeks and I almost lost my mind. She did not recognize the place or the family and screamed for the police to get her out of there. She refused to eat what I prepared because she thought it was poisoned. We came back home in what I can describe as the most difficult flight of my life and all she has been asking for is to go somewhere else where there are people her age.
I found a beautiful Memory Care a few minutes from my house and got on the waiting list. It took 3 months and every day she would pack her bags to go there. Finally we moved her in and once she was there she wanted to leave and go back home (meaning France). It has been three weeks and it's been a very rough start. The first night, the nurses aide came to change her and my mother refused. The aide got very rough with her and forced her on the bed and forcefully changed her. Thankfully I have cameras and was able to see this and report it immediately. She was fired on the spot.
Now my mother gets aggressive and screams and kicks any time someone wants to change her, put her in bed, etc. She has "forgotten" to speak English and only speaks French to the helpers and to the other patients. She says she does not understand English at all. We have lived in the US for 50 years, she spoke English all that time. She is on Seroquel and an anti anxiety med.
I am at a loss of what to do. I visit her every day, bring her gifts, nothing works. Surprisingly, she now recognizes me as her daughter. I am considering bringing her back home with me but I am afraid she will do the same here. Any suggestions?
None of the behaviors you’ve described are surprising, and none of your efforts to comfort her or please her are unexpected in your position as a loving and devoted daughter.
Unfortunately you mother may have arrived at the point in her progressive neurological deterioration that none of your good ideas can make ongoing sense to her.
Three weeks is actually a VERY BRIEF span of time to expect even limited adjustment to a totally new environment. When my LO entered a very good local MC, we were thrilled when after about 6 months she began to respond positively to her new lifestyle.
Unless the staff has encouraged you to do so, you may be visiting too much (and worrying too much and empathizing too much), for her welfare AND YOURS.
Part of the adjustment to residential life is for the resident to slowly realize that caregivers are there to HELP THEM. If a caregiver/relative is too often present, you can see how that process can take longer.
Obviously you and she are both still dealing with the horrible, DEPLORABLE experience with the banished aide, but assuming her current care is acceptable, she will hopefully move forward.
The bilingual issue is interesting. As long as she has some comprehension of what’s said to her AND a willingness to communicate in some way to express her needs, it may not be too important at this point.
You have attempted to move Heaven and Earth (literally!) to do your best for her. Now give her some time to just observe and become accustomed to her routine, BY HERSELF.
Your concerns about bringing her home (another MAJOR CHANGE) are fully justified. Her “illness” is progressive. Change can exacerbate her struggles.
You may want to enquire whether there is a psychiatrist on staff at her MC. A small dose of medication may be helpful. It was a Godsend for my sweet LO.
Hugs and hopes that you and she find a good balance at some point in the not too distant future.
T Champ is correct, regarding the language and brain layers. If you think of that onion being eaten away from the outside in, you can get an even clearer picture of what is happening.
At my mother's MC, there are MANY Hispanic people there. Most were truly bilingual before dementia, but who now only speak English. In Florida, luckily for them, we have many caregivers who are bilingual.
It might be interesting to know if your mom has any "receptive" English left. Like if a caregiver asks her a question, can she indicate a preference? Like, Mrs. Smith, would you like an apple, or an orange?"
If not, can the caregivers use more objects, or picture cards to show her the choices that she may have to make?
As an ESL teacher, I had many sets of cards that would have a representation of an object or an idea. You could make or buy some.
Here are some body part cards that you could print. I'm thinking that you mom might be able to point to something that is hurting her, for example.
https://en.islcollective.com/english-esl-worksheets/search/flashcards?vocabulary=body-parts&student-type=elementary-school
Here are some from Amazon that you can buy:
https://www.amazon.com/eeBoo-French-Flash-Cards/dp/B07F6XHY4F/ref=sr_1_1?crid=20BV1MLBLB4VO&keywords=flash+cards+food+french&qid=1651076668&sprefix=flashcards+food+french%2Caps%2C81&sr=8-1
I've even made Powerpoint slides and posted them on walls for new speakers of English.
Feel free to send me a personal message, if you need more ideas.
You need to give your Mom some time to adjust. I see nothing wrong with showing up sometime during the day but don't stay for long. Get her out in the Common area where there are other people. Let the staff do for Mom.
I would not bring her home. Stop feeling guilty about something you have no control over. You will enjoy her more if you're not doing the constant caring. France is not going to happen. That is not your fault. Your Mom is 98! The mind and body have to give out at some point. Look at the years you had together.
Thanks!
I am caring for my bride of 31 years. The day she goes to Memory Care will be the hardest day of my life. But once I place her I know bringing her home would be a very unwise choice. I would suggest you not bring your mom home. It will make your life even tougher for both of you.
I’m sure you visit with the neurologist but you may ask him/her if meds need to be adjusted. Care for one living with this wretched disease is nothing short of an arduous journey. It is a moving target. Therefore meds need frequent adjustments.
Besides Seroquel there is Trazodone, Memantine, and a host of other pharmaceuticals that can help calm your mom. When my wife gets too agitated, which is rarely, I have to administer Haldol.
I hated using meds. I felt guilty for doing so. But at times it is the only way possible to get her to a place of rest and peacefulness. And I don’t mean for me, but for her as well. No one wants to live in torment and fear as your mom does when she needs changing. It’s scary to her. So meds can definitely help.
One more thing. If you or your mother can afford it, consider having a caregiver from an outside agency come to spend a few hours a day with your mom. Maybe you can ask agencies if anyone speaks French. If someone visits her daily at the MC facility she would get used to them and maybe they could help change her when necessary.
Praying for wisdom and peace for you!
Contact the local High School or Community College. the department that teach languages might have a student or two that would love to practice their French.
As to your mom's agitation, can you talk to the director or the nurse and see if they can not medicate her prior to changing her? I can totally understand how frightened she must be after being forcibly changed. (thank goodness you witnessed this and reported it)
Do not take her back to live at your house. Please don't do it. You will be sorry you did. Stop visiting her every day too. In fact, don't visit her for a few weeks. She has to get acclimated to her new surroundings. She also has to get used to being taken care of by people who aren't you. As for the aide who 'got rough' with her when it was time for a diaper change, your mother is aggressive. In such a case the facility should have sent two aides to get it done. Or had one of the nurses on duty get up and go with the aide. The facility instead fires the aide for what was their mistake in the first place.
Let your mother get used to her new place and the new people caring for her. Don't visit for a while. Call her daily and request that a staff member communicate with you daily or every other day during the time you're not visiting to keep you updated. Give it while. Your mother will adapt.
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