My Mother in-law lost her husband over a year ago to dementia. My husband just tells me her brain is gone after her husband had the third stroke which was over a few years ago before getting dementia. The in-law helped us buy a home as a wedding gift that she would charge us rent for. 2 years later she decided to kick us out of the house throw away half our stuff because she needed the house to pay for her husband’s medical bills when she had items in her house to simply sell for it. Given she moved her home to another part of the state when helping us buy a home. We only moved there to be closer to her to help with her sick husband. She just started this repeat of back and forth on the countless promises with her. We been living in hell with her over a year now she goes one day she will help us get a house to “you’re on your own” just today she said we are on our own with our dinner as she’s cooking said dinner she gives us. She does so many crazy things I feel we are stuck here forever with someone who seems very mentally unstable. We have no one else to talk to about it. My own father is another story he wants nothing to do with giving us advice and assumes when I call him I just want something. I feel trapped in a cuckoo birdcage! She constantly moves her things around the house and goes on a searching rampage for it blaming us thinking we are taking her things. Which I would never. I don’t want her stuff! She would yell “I’m going to hide it in my room then!” At what point do you seek help with someone who’s just your in-law and her son my husband is too busy trying not to step on eggshells with her!
It is so very easy to be drawn in by our parents promises.
You are not the only one.
Just get yourself free.
If it helps them to think you are cuckoo, let them.
Drive off in a red convertible; set up a luxury motorhome in the backyard; or anything c r a z y you can think of. Buy a bread truck, drive off to work one day, and don't come home after you have converted the bread truck into a moving home.
Anything. You have permission to leave. Call APS on your way out the door, but do not announce your exit.
Anything else you need?
We are here for you.
Maybe you will need to use c r a z y to get yourself free.
"The in-law!"
"The in-law helped us buy a home as a W E D D I N G G I F T that she would charge us rent for. 2 years later she decided to kick us out of the house throw away half our stuff because she needed the house to pay for her husband’s medical bills when she had items in her house to simply sell for it."
Fact: She took back your wedding gift, the house. That should have been the deal breaker back then. The natural resentment you are still feeling makes it untenable that you should be her caregiver at all.
You may be a bit confused yourself after that.
However, you sound a bit like you have a pre-conceived notion that parents owe you something? When you say: (MIL), (instead of taking your wedding gift away could have): "she had items in her house to simply sell for it."
And, Your own Father "assumes when I call him I just want something".
If your husband cannot extricate himself from his Mother's toxic control and false manipulating promises, you can be the one to set yourself free. Stop relying on an unstable person to provide you a home. No threats, do not burn any bridges behind you. Leave now (on a vacation). See how you feel. See what you can do.
In other words, stop helping. She sounds like someone who is stubborn and argumentative.
A call to APS sounds like the best you can do if all else fails. Let them handle it.
Stop believing someone with dementia and their promises. Their word isn't worth a plate of refried beans. You will end up in a mess dealing with their antics. You could even be accused of financial abuse if someone thinks that you and your husband coerced her into signing for a house. Tread carefully with this one. You are dealing with someone with a broken brain who is in no shape to make these types of decisions.
Sounds like it is time for homecare (she pays) and you get a life and living separate and apart from MIL.
When she helped you with the house, I guess the deed was in her name? I guess your living with her now?
You need to get her to a nuerologist for a diagnosis. If found she has Dementia, you then get her placed. Then you can go on with your life.
You need to get her to a doctor for an evaluation and diagnosis.
You need to see a lawyer with expertise in Elder Law and Wills and Estates to sort out how to handle the financial issues. Who does the house you're currently living in belong to? Does someone have her Power of Attorney? Does she have a will and/or Trust? Does she have adequate income? Is she handling her finances competently? Is she safe alone in the house?
You need to make plans to move out and live on your own, and give up on her promises to buy you a house. She is going to need the money for her own care, and she can't be "gifting" you money in case she needs to be in a facility paid by Medicaid eventually. You shouldn't have to be trapped and living in hell with her.
The people who you need to talk with are her doctors. Will she voluntarily go to Assisted Living, or even Memory Care if needed? If not then Adult Protective services may need to step in. And your husband needs to step up and start dealing with the situation instead of walking on eggshells.
The situation is unsustainable for both your mother-in-law and for you and your husband. You don't have to be stuck forever. Good luck and let us know how things are going as you start to change the situation.