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I have a problem, my mother-in-law is not cognitive wise anymore and gets confused and very anxious and extremely needy where I am working and running back and forth all the time and getting run down myself with no life with my family. She is willing to some days to go to an assisted living but here's the problem.
My father-in-law who is better than her doesn't get out of bed 1/2 the time and refuses to go with her so she doesn't want to leave him.
I am between a rock and a hard place. I want to do what's right for my mother-in-law but my father-in-law doesn't want to leave his home.
Any advice would be appreciated.

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Why are you working and doing all the running back forth ? What does your spouse do to help ?? These are not your parents . This is your spouse’s problem . Stop being the solution to this problem . Quit being a hands on caregiver .

You need to tell your spouse that this is not working any longer . Then both of you together tell your in laws that either they hire help to come into the home or both of them have to go to assisted living , whatever you think would work best . If they need help available 24/7 then assisted living is best .

Stop running over there . A wise social worker told me “ Stop helping them , let them fail , so they accept help from either hired help at home or assisted living “. You are propping them up so they are able to stay in their home with a false sense of independence . They are not independent .
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CaringWifeAZ Sep 2, 2024
waytomisery, you and olddude said it well!

Hopefully forum1641 will heed your advice!
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Do nothing. Eventually something will happen, FIL will end up in the hospital, and you will then inform the hospital that he needs to be in AL.

He will never leave as long as others are caring for him 24/7.
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MeDolly Aug 27, 2024
Right on, time for her to back out, stop being their crutch.
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You are enabling their poor decisions.
Why would they want to move when this is working well for them (no matter what it's doing to you).

Time for a long sit down talk, and then a withdrawal of your support and care, so they can recognize they need said to enter care. Give them all emergency numbers to call, and a list of agencies to call for paid support.
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PeggySue2020 Aug 27, 2024
I wouldn’t even bother with the talk as that’s likely been done before. The only thing they will ever get is action, or in your case, inaction.
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You are in the waiting stage. Two years ago my 94 year old parents didn't have a plan, my sisters and I had been propping them up for years. Their mobility and health were getting worse and worse and they refused to see it and got extremely nasty and suspicious when we brought up the direness of this situation.

All I can say is there will be an illness or a fall requiring a trip to the emergency room in the near future. You will just tell the medical staff that this is an unsafe discharge, that your in-laws cannot take care of themselves, let alone each other. That is what I had to do for my father and then for my mother. We placed them both in the local NH. They were together there for 9 months until my mother passed in June. Not the greatest thing to have done but it was what was needed. My sisters and I could no longer handle their care.

I also hope your husband is in the trenches with you and that this situation is not all falling on your shoulders.
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FixItPhyl Sep 3, 2024
Thank you for your straight-forward answer to this very difficult situation, because I have almost the same detailed problems described in the initial question, and have been at wits-end in how to handle it. I hope forum16... reads this one (and the majority of others giving same/similar advice) because it will eventually take YOUR health; it is like being on a hamster wheel and can't get off. As sad as it may sound, letting them "feel the pain" [hospitalization, etc.] through the consequences of not having a plan is the only way. They will continue putting everything on the anyone who will continue to enable them.

Peace be found.
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Listen to Olddude in the comments because he's right. Take a HUGE step back and do nothing. You do not take any calls from your MIL while you're at work. You let that mess go straight to voicemail then listen to those calls when and IF you want to. Or block their number during the day. The running back and forth stops today. You AND your husband (these are HIS parents after all) can go there once or twice a week to check on them. You DO NOT take calls during dinner or when it's family time at your home, and no calls after a certain hour.

I'm sorry to say that many times something bad has to happen to get the loved ones into the proper care facility to meet their needs. I did homecare for 25 years and I will tell you from experience, that the more you prop their lives and the false independence they think they still have, the more stubborn they will become in their refusal to move to AL. So you stop running over there every time your MIL works herself up into a panic over nothing. Or because she's needy. You have to step back to help them. They need to be in AL and they will be if you stop doing for them at every turn.

Is there a POA active and in place? That helps, but if your FIL isn't incapacitated no one can force him to go or do anything. He's the next-of-kin to your MIL as well.

Call APS (Adult Protective Services) and report this situation. Tell them two vunerable elders with dementia are living alone and need to be placed. Ask the police to do regular wellness checks on them. They will and when they see your MIL's hysterical anxiousness and neediness, they will get APS to act. Then likely both of them get sent to AL, or at least your MIL does.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Leave them both alone. You’re giving them both the fantasy that they are okay to live on their own. Maybe not immediately, but at some point when you stop the proverbial running around like the chicken with its head cut off, they will falter seriously enough to require a move. You’re only making your life miserable by trying to prop them up and delay the inevitable. Relax and choose neither the rock or hard place, maybe the beach instead
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AlvaDeer Sep 2, 2024
I so agree with this. Our loving daughter here is contributing by enabling these bad decisions, and should withdraw from the mix.
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I echo someone else - Welcome to the forum. This is a great place to get help and support. Sometimes the answers may be surprising to us, but believe when you hear the same advice numerous times, you should really consider taking it.

So, sorry, but you do need to set some serious boundaries and reclaim YOUR life. Your priority MUST be your personal family. Make a plan today and enact it tomorrow. They will whine and cry and maybe yell. That's OK. Of course they won't be happy. But are you happy with this situation?? Obviously not. Things will only change if you make them change.

Best of luck.
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Reply to againx100
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IMO it is tie to stop doing everything for them a false sense of being independent has been created.

I would also tell my husband that I am retiring from this position, they are his parents not yours. It is his responsibility not yours.

Time to back off and get your life back. Good Luck!
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If MIL's husband won't leave their home, let HIM take care of his own wife. Why are you running there? What exactly are you doing for MIL she can't do herself? Are you working full time and running over to MIL after work?

STOP running yourself ragged with MIL's needs. If MIL won't go to AL because her husband refuses, then her husband is who takes care of her needs, NOT YOU.

You cannot keep being an unpaid caregiver. STOP running over there! Tell MIL you work and have your own family to take care of. Start saying NO.
Why isn't your husband dealing with his parents?

Whatever you do, DO NOT move in-laws in your home.
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JeanLouise Sep 2, 2024
Well said
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First..YOU are not between a Rock and a Hard Place it is your husband that should be between the rock and hard place. 'STOP your running around helping let your husband pick up the load for a while. I am sure once he gets a taste of what you have been doing he will have something to say about it.
OR
Both of you stop "helping" and let your FIL figure out that he really does need the help of Assisted Living.
If you and or your husband continue to jump in and do what needs to be done there is no incentive for them to make a change.
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