Mother in law moved in. What now?

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Mother in law moved in. What now?

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Get her an elder cottage in your back yard!

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Our backyard is too small for one. So it might not work for Edward either.

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My guess is it’s too late now that she is there. Try to visualize moving her out....how’s that working out.
Dora was my mom. I said no and never looked back. My mom says I should want to care for her. I chuckle inside like she did when she sent me away at 8 years old to live with people we never met for 8 years.

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I may be repeating what others have said, but as part of the spend-down double-check with an elder law attorney that you can invoice the space she takes up as a rental situation and then, I would think, see what the comps are in your area for a room with kitchen privileges. If the attorney says it's okay, then also see how much in-home care would cost for, say, a couple of hours a day or what you can reasonably say you are supplying. Again, check with an attorney. But if that helps with the spend-down of any assets, then that would speed things up. If she makes too much money to qualify, maybe see if you can use a Miller trust in your state. https://www.elderlawanswers.com/what-is-a-miller-trust-14945

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sorry to hear that. My mother lives with us it is hard. We moved her in at the age of 97.I had to give up a job myself. I have a bother and two sisters they don't want to take care of her and wont. If your dad was in service and in at war time maybe you can get help from VA. My mother sold her house and gave us the money for a TV room on our house, door from her bedroom.I started her going into the TV room by telling her my husband wanted to watch sports.I went and sat with her and watched TV for 1 hour to get her use to going and watching her TV.My mom pays us for living with us I didn't ask, she said she was going to do that.I know how you feel.My mom was not the loving mom either.She has been better because she is older.Hope something helps to get her in her space and out of yours.

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Moving your MIL out the house but keeping her on the property is not the solution to the problem. I am surprised so many people are saying to build an addition or put in a granny unit! As long as your MIL is on the property, it’s going to be a problem. She’s 82 with COPD. She already requires care and her needs are only going to increase. You need to move her to AL or a nursing hone.

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I too, am amazed... as long as she is on the property, they will have no life.

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It may be too late but if you asked me before she moved in, I would have discouraged it as loud as possible! I have a loving father that I took into my home 5 years ago when he was 89. Sweet man. Never wants to be a burden but, it’s not possible. You try and try to make it work under the best of conditions but eventually everyone breaks down. You think your doing the best thing for your loved one because “no one takes care of our loved ones like we do”!! But, it’s not true. Eventually as their health deteriorates, more care is needed. Then you have the issue of dignity and respect. And how much is there to talk about and engage them in? Eventually they go from bed to community reclining chair and back to bed. They are always present and even though you love them, you can’t possibly stimulate them all by yourself. They need socialization with people other than you. And, you loose your privacy and it takes a toll on your marriage Eventually you begin to breakdown under the stress of caregiving because, even if you have a home health side a couple of days a week and a nurse, the rest of the time it’s all on you. You stop living for yourself because you are always putting their needs ahead of yours. You don’t believe it’s happening. “it’s my honor to care for my loved one”! But, you will break down, a little physically then mentally and then you will adopt the attitude that “tomorrow will be better”! Well, it won’t. By a fall, Dad hit his head, ended up in the hospital and there was nothing they could do. He was not aware of who we were and it broke our hearts. We’re we trying too hard to keep him home? Maybe it wasn’t as safe as we thought? Always second guessing your decision. After he transferred to hospice, within a few days, he did a complete 360! He came alive. Was noticibly changed mentally but pleasant and unaware of the fact he was in hospice. He had volunteers and social workers and aides and nurses and a priest. He had other people to add dimension to his life. He was HAPPY! And we were happier. The weight of the world was off our shoulder. The best I can offer you is to go to Medicare.gov/nursinghomes. And look for the best ones available in your area. Go visit. Put in an application even if you are not looking to place her right now. If she’s not on Title 19, go to an elderly attorney and educate yourself. You need to get your ducks in a row. Waiting lists here for good facilities are long. When they get to you, you can refuse but think twice before you do. You might be doing your loved ones a great disservice. Good luck and God bless

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Well, I think that three months off from work is long enough, in that case, unless you can swing it financially for your wife not to be working. It also is an unrealistic situation for your MIL if she thinks that her daughter will be available 24/7 around the house.

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edward: I believe that you said your wife took FLMA - Family Leave Medical Act? I hope that that is the case because she's only 2 years away from retirement.

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Edward, your wife can take FMLA for her mother. She can take up to 12 weeks a year and it doesn’t have to be all at once. I have FMLA for my mother for when she needs me to take her to doctor appointments or hospital visits. Make sure your wife uses it. In NEW YORK STATE we have FMLA that is paid a percentage eventually being 67 percent of your pay.

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As it stands right now my wife will be taking 12 weeks of FMLA if she plans to stay home after her family sick time runs out. Not all FLMA in NY state is
paid. Her plan isn't. We should see a clearer picture of our situation after the month of January.Thanks

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Edward, Bmillerhanna below in same boat. I say same thing:
Take you wife out for *the honest chat*. Just because MIL is in your house now, does not mean this is the plan forever. Start discussing what will work for ALL of you.

Try to work with your wife as a team. She will be in the F.O.G. (google it).

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Edward 22, governor chino signed into law in 2016 the (pflbl) paid family leave benefit law. The new law phases in over several years starting 2018. January 1 2020 employees will receive 10 weeks of 60 percent of their pay. My husband used it for his mother in May. It’s the law in New York State. I meant to say governor Cuomo, sorry autocorrect. We pay into it in our paycheck. It’s different from FMLA.

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Elaine, that is true however there is an exception for public employees & Edwards wife is one. They aren’t covered Unless their employer voluntarily opts in to the benefit OR if they are union & the benefit was negotiated in to the contract.

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Edward 22, my brothers n law didn’t think he had it either until I told him it was mandatory in New York State. Call the paid family leave hotline 844-337-6303. It’s the law. Your wife will get paid 60 percent of her pay for 10 weeks starting in January 2020. It’s not FMLA it is paid family leave which is different but mandatory.

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I do not know what to say except, try over 40 years of FIL living with you.
Yes our privacy is gone, boundies always broken, away coming in and bugging
my husband (his son). Maybe some of you live with your in law over a couple
years. Finally putting them in nursing home. Last time my FIL was in hospital
I asked my husband when will it be our time. He quilt trip me in to letting him
back in our home. Next time FIL ends up in hospital I will make my husband choose.
Me or his Dad, I hate to see almost 50 years of marriage go down the drain.
I tell you right now sit down with your husband and tell him and put your foot
down.

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I hope that you will say what you mean and mean what you say. Good grief 40 years...why?

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Edward;
There is frankly no way on earth that I would forfeit or accept a reduction in my pension in order to stay home to become a caregiver. It just doesn't add up.

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I live in Okla. Dhs has a program that qualified my parents with household income of up to 2200 per month per person to get Medicaid. the program is Advantage. every state has some kind of program. My daughter runs a PT program at a nursing home, we learned about services not advertised. My dads physical health and his income of 1400 per month qualified. With that he had PT 3 times per week, housecleaning caretaker assistant 3x week, meals on wheels (but better)
and except for the paper work we paid nothing, however if she lives in her home, assets can’t be over 2000,
when my dad died, mom of course declined. We moved her in with us,
all her services continued
Medicqid does have a vouchers for assisted living , studio apartment, in Tulsa there are only 2
facilities.
i also agree check with VA about aid and assistance for surviving spouse,
Husband has to have been wartime veteran. She could get up to 1200 per month to aid with assisted. VFW has people they can recommend to fill out form. Do not pay someone, they have volunteers that have been trained to assist.We applied, should get payments starting in April & retroactive back to month we applied. September . She will get a lump sum of over 9000. Do a formal caregiver agreement no matter what you do. it clarifies what you have agreed to do... Does your wife have POA, also medical proxy? I would also suggest getting aDNR, with copd
i doubt she wants to be revived should her heart stop
we sold moms house and with proceeds were able to put mom into assisted living. Once va starts she can live there for 48 months
My mom is 90 with Dementia. Her money will be gone, so we will apply for Medicaid voucher or Medicaid nursing home

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Mother in law moved in. What now?

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