Our mother is impossible! But this is not overnight and has always been this way. She has grown increasingly belligerent and abusive, going into screaming verbal abuse the moment anyone tries to talk reason with her.
After the sale of her house, she has squandered almost $350,000 and has only $150,000 left - in only one year! She has openly said she insists she live with family but has meddled in everyone's marriage and is impossible to live with. She is a HOARDER as well. She is verbally abusive to her children and refuses any and all interference in her finances, but is manipulative with others and others can't believe when we give another story.
She was in an assisted living situation, but moved herself out under pretense of "visiting" a single son who lives in another state and now refuses to return to the home but is bullying my brother who is an alcoholic. She has signs of dementia, however is still quite lucid. No one has power of attorney, nor would it be possible to get her declared incompetent since she is not yet to that point.
We see the train wreck in process but are helpless to stop it. How can we protect ourselves from our mother's WILLFUL decision to take everyone down with her? Are there any laws to protect responsible children from an abusive parent?
BTW - her children are not wimps and each has tried to talk and discuss with her the need to help with her finances, but she adamantly refuses. What laws are there regarding a legally competent adult who financially ruins their self? Will the children still be held responsible?
I've done some research. Depending upon the state my mother resides in, there are what are called Filial Responsibility laws. Basically these laws force the children to care for their elderly parents REGARDLESS of the relationship with that parent is, and REGARDLESS as to whether that parent has been responsible with money. There is NO PROVISION whatsoever, which will take into account the NEGLIGENCE of the parent in taking care of their own lives.
So, in truth, it translates to that we, as adults, can live as recklessly as we wish, we can stick it to our kids in the end - they are stuck with having to pick up the tab for our negligence!
In a case like my mother, depending upon the state she resides in, if there is a Filial Responsibility Law, then unless we can wrestle the Power of Attorney over to one of us children and force all financial activity to have to go through that one with the POA, we will end up being IN THE TRAIN WRECK along WITH MY MOTHER!
There is a case in Penn of a son having been sued by a nursing home for $93K! It went up the the PA supreme court which means he not only had the $93K bill to pay, but the LAWYER FEES TO BOOT! Obviously there went that man's house and anything he had saved up to take care of HIS retirement!
This has never been an issue of us being psychologically unable to face my mother, we are each very strong people in our own rights, however, she is that verbally and physically abusive that for the sake of PEACE, we have generally backed down and let her have her way. One of our siblings kept saying over and over, "if she wants to be in a train wreck, let her!", but that was said in pure ignorance of what the law requires. Interesting is that that sibling, due to the fact that he lives near our mother and that she is a resident of a state which has a Filial Responsibility law would be one of the two forced to pay for her bills.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws
https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolynrosenblatt/2012/05/21/son-hit-with-aging-parents-93k-nursing-home-bill/
So, after doing this research, I have sent it all off to my siblings explaining the laws and showing them what our options are and what we must do to protect ourselves.
Since my mother is "visiting" one of my siblings in a state where there are no Filial Accountability laws, we know he is not going to stand her for long before he breaks (not the first time). But we must get him to keep her and establish residency and also find a home for her there, since it's the only way to protect the rest of us. We must use the threat of returning to the prior home as the excuse to remain with my brother and when he buckles, then have the nursing home near him be the place where she next goes. We also must face her and get the power of attorney handed over to one of us, for her own good as well as confiscate her credit cards and checkbooks. She has my father's pension to live upon as well as medicare, so this will have to do her since the remainder of the money from the sale of her house will be needed for medical expenses.
The tragedy in all of this is that it SHOULD have been different.
Thanks again for the feedback! It's much appreciated!
Does she expect all of you kids to pay for her to live with you in turns?
She has made her intentions clear, now you all have the decisions to make, will you be bullied or will you do what ever it takes to keep her from hijacking your lives one household at a time?
She doesn't have the right and her kids are not obligated to let her move in uninvited.
Unfortunately, the laws do not provide for abusive parents who purposefully stick it to their kids! :(
If all of you together tried to approach her and tell her flat out that she is not living with any of you and that you want to help her manage her money so she has something to live on - would she listen?
If not - you have to decided if the guilt of letting her reap the rewards of her bad decisions outweighs your anger and frustration helping her in the future.
Long ago i cut my mom off financially - she goes to the casino and each month hits us up for rent money. She is in elder housing with 30% of her income going to rent - so she is not strapped. I say no. Then she cries to my sister - who gives her money EVERY month. My sister is mad at me for saying no because she thinks i can afford it more than she can. I say this because what ever you do - someone is going to be mad at you. Decide if you want to be mad or if you want someone else to be. I decided i was tired of being the angry one and starting saying no to letting my money being wasted by mom gambling it away.
Therapy might be helpful for all of you - coming up with a game plan but more importantly - sticking with it when mom lets the @#$# fly and you start to feel guilty about your plan.