My 83 yr. old mother passed away two months ago. How do I handle surprise that the estate, incl. house we lived in, is left to my sister?

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My 83 yr. old mother passed away two months ago. How do I handle surprise that the estate, incl. house we lived in, is left to my sister?

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Please don't let your sister run over you. You sound like a very sweet loving daughter but don't take this wrong but you sound kind of meek and mild. Those are not bad traits except that people like your sister know that they can take advantage because you won't fight back. Don't shrivel up and take this decision. Stand up for yourself. You deserve it. You have cared for your mother for years and put your life on hold (I know because I do it as well but luckily for me I have no siblings to get cause problems) so now you deserve to put yourself first and not have to worry about where you will live. If staying in that house would make your life easier...you deserve that too. Have a long talk with your sister first, try to get her to sign over the house to you or just agree to let you live there for a nominal rent because it's the right thing to do. If she won't then tell her she is in for a fight because it is not fair and you won't stand for it. If your sister cares for you at all she will make some arrangement for you to continue to live in the house but make sure you get a signed agreement so she can't change her mind later. I wish you all the best and I pray your sister is a decent person who will do the right thing.

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Your suggestions are rational and kind, and I wish that could happen. She has made up her mind to sell the house, wants nothing to.do with it, says it has nothing but bad memories. I have written before, she with her husband have made it clear for years they plan to retire as millionaires, this will aid them in that goal. I just don't think.it's worth the fight. Thank you.

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The suggestion about squatters rights is a good one. Whether contesting the will or as squatter you will need proof you paid utilities, maintenance, care for your mother etc for all these years. That is going to give you the best chance. Plus as many witnesses to the fact you were sole caregiver and provider. You can win this but you definitely need all the proof.

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First don't get yourself wrapped up in the hurt. This will may have (probably was) been drawn up long ago, well before your mom needed any care and you moved in to help. You didn't care for her and make sure she felt special until the day she died in an effort to get the house or with expectations of being compensated when she passed, you did it out of love and because you got personal reward from doing it, from knowing she was cared for and loved.

Don't let this hurt your relationship with your sister either, she didn't create this. She also may have had all kinds of emotional reasons for being so un-involved in your mom's care, it's too hard for some people to see and remember their LO in the state where they need live in care whether they are aware of it or not, admit it or not. Maybe your sister has an idea of when and why things were set up like this, maybe not and maybe she will recognize on her own that you should at least be getting part of the house and or not have to move out, maybe she is so grateful you took on what she couldn't and cared for your mom and maybe she will take care of you all on her own. Don't start something you don't know is there and don't accuse her or back her into a corner before giving her the opportunity to make things right on her own. There is time for this and you need each other now, not to be wary of each other.

Maybe there are debts you know nothing about about the house is getting swept up in them anyway, maybe mom knew this and gave sis the headache wanting to spare you the stress and time clearing up her affairs is going to take.

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"Don't let this hurt your relationship with your sister..." Oh my. What relationship is that??? Have you not read all of her posts? Sister sounds totally selfish. Sister is determined to die a millionaire? What a selfish pursuit, especially when her sibling is not going to be compensated and provided for after 10yrs of caring for their mother with no help from selfish sister? Doesn't sound like a "sister" in my experience, just another toxic person with whom to limit association to the minimum of what's necessary. But YES, keepingup, as frustrating and overwhelming and inconvenient as it all sounds, please don't give up the pursuit of compensation for your years of loyalty to your mother. Except for a few who just don't get it, everyone here is rooting for you! Please, please keep us up to date with how things are proceeding.

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"Don't let this hurt your relationship with your sister..." What relationship is that??? Have you not read all of her posts? Sister sounds totally selfish. Sister is determined to die a millionaire? What a selfish pursuit, especially when her sibling is not going to be compensated and provided for after 10yrs of caring for their mother with no help from selfish sister? Doesn't sound like a "sister" in my experience, just another toxic person with whom to limit association to the minimum of what's necessary. But YES, keepingup, as frustrating and overwhelming and inconvenient as it all sounds, please don't give up the pursuit of compensation for your years of loyalty to your mother. Except for a few who just don't get it, most everyone here is on your side! Please, please keep us up to date with how things are proceeding.

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No I haven't read any posts other than her original. I actually looked through quickly and didn't see any more from her about her relationship with anyone and if you read my post I think I even say something about not being sure what her relationship is like or if she has communicated at all with her sister about it. I was urging her not to form conclusions in her mind about her mother or her sister without the actual facts and offering possibilities. AND I NEVER said I wasn't "on her side"! I also stand by attempt to remind her that she didn't care for her mom all those years in order to inherit or get something out of it financially. Just because someone chooses to present a different perspective, a less toxic perspective doesn't five you the right to jump all over them, screw you!

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Wow, this brings back a nightmare. My uncle was a Priest and my brothers and sisters were his only living immediate family at the time of his death. He entered Memory care back in the early 2000's and lived four years from his diagnosis with ALZ. He owned vacation property that he owned for more than 40yrs and which my mother and immediate family enjoyed the use of with the exception of time Unc was on vacation.
About 8yrs after his death, I found out that the Trust he set up had not actually been set up by him but by two of my siblings that almost never used the vacation home. One of my brothers and I did a lot of work on the property from the time we were tweenagers until we left home. I continued to return for vacations and did a lot of maintenance on the property over the years well in to my 50's.
Upon Unc's death one of the siblings wanted a buy out, a couple of more made almost no use of the property but they were the Trustees of his Estate. One of my siblings and I paid all the bills, taxes, insurance and maintenance costs from the time of Unc's death until 8yrs later. My two siblings that were Trustees decided they were going to force a buyout of the property. Sibiling originally bought out received a significant amount of money, the Trustees just about bankrupted the estate of cash and one was going to actually buy out the estate as they planned to do from the very beginning. They worked out the sale, I received the same amount as a couple of the others, but my DW and I bankrolled half of the expenses for 8yrs and were not compensated for the half of taxes, insurance and maintenance we paid for the 8yrs up to the forced buyout. The lawyer who set up the Trust, said, no provisions were made for reimbursement of expenses made by beneficiaries an that, I was not entitled to reimbursement. Instead of leaving Cash in the Trust, the Trustees invested it in a lousy company that became a penny stock during the 08-09 financial crisis. Ending some made out pretty good, one sibling paid a song for the property and rebuilt it after assuming outright ownership. No you can't trust any relative.
Now, what can you do. Protect your own family. Put all of your property and money in Living Trust for you and your spouse. Appoint your adult children as Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary Trustees . Upon your death, the property can then be meted out in equal parts among your children, perhaps grandchildren in the manner you proscribe and the Trustees will be bound to follow your plan. Probate can be avoided, Medical Directives established along with a Medical Proxy Agent, DPOA. This will save a lot of discussion among your family about what you did or didn't want. This will save money and disputes among family.
Finally, go over the Trust and other Legal work with Trustees, and explain why you made certain decisions and have one copy accessible in your home, and one in a bank lock box.

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How does anyone get in a lock box when bank requires person probating will to show documentation of the right to enter the box? It would normally e in the will, but w/o will....?????

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I'm just gonna state the obvious. Your sister is EVIL as HELL if she intends to keep everything and not split anything with you. I cannot even imagine doing that! At a minimum she needs to sign the house over to you.

If she keeps everything, she needs to "become dead to you." And I promise you God or Karma, WILL have the last word in all of this.

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I do not think of my sister as evil. I think of her as selfish.

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There is probably not a lot that you can do. Speak with a lawyer who specializes in this area. Did your mother leave a will? Has this gone to probate? Who paid your mother's bills? Power of attorney in existance?

Have you talked with your sister about all this including how you feel about the situation?

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Maybe she felt like your sister needed it more or something. My grandma won’t have hardly anything to leave behind, but if she did I know she would leave it to my aunt who literally has done nothing. Because my grandparents supported and coddled her for her whole life, always bailed her out, etc. always said she can’t help it and when my granddad died he told my other aunt to “take care of” the helpless aunt because she needs it. In my opinion the only thing she ever needed was tough love but at this point my aunt is in her 70s and I’m not sure she will be able to change her ways. And my grandma is 95 and with her dementia the only name she ever remembers is the one of the aunt who doesn’t help at all and only tries to get money.

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Keelingup,
I am with most people here, you need to stick up for yourself & I'm sorry, but if I was you; I would put up a fight & if that was my sister doing that to me I would never talk to her ever again. The bible tells us to love those who hate us. And you can love & forgive her from a very long distance!
I know you cared for your mother because you loved her, but how much did you gived up, what are you supposed to do now? Has your sister ever thought about these questions? NO! Your sister should be thankful that you took care of both your mother, and she had the luxury of doing whatever she wanted with her life.
God is a "just" God! If your sister doesn't help you out she will pay the price, believe me I have seen time and time again throughout my life.

You hang in there; most of us here are praying for you.

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I can only say what I know about the law here in Australia and also in the UK, but it might help. An application can be made here to the Court by a person (and that includes a daughter) who is left ‘without adequate provision for his proper maintenance, education or advancement in life’. It would most certainly apply in your situation. I would expect to find comparable provisions in your local statute law. You could do an internet search yourself – try ‘inheritance law’. But clearly, you need a lawyer.

Please do it very quickly – there are additional problems once your sister has already obtained probate and has gone ahead with a sale. If she is being very difficult, that is exactly what she would do. If you work towards a compromise (and definitely only once the court application has been filed), think about asking for a life interest in the house, with a provision for transfer of funds if you can no longer live there and need alternative living arrangements. But don’t DIY this, and don't make a private compromise - you really really need a lawyer.

I am surprised if your mother’s lawyer didn’t make this clear to her, and that the lawyer also tells you that she was competent. He may well end up as a witness himself. You definitely need a different lawyer for whom you are the only client.

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While others are telling you how to feel, I would recommend you acknowledge how you feel and let those feelings out in a safe container (place, like a therapist's office or trusting friend/family member-spouse).

I would not promote judgments and insults towards others involved.
That doesn't do anyone any good. And, adding emotional fuel to the fire will not serve you in any way. Respond with clear thinking, not emotional ranting - get the emotional shock of it all out with whoever you feel safe with.

* I did not read from your words how your sister feels about this - and/or if she is willing to work with you to an equitable agreement, considering all the work you did.

If I were you, I would:
* Do self-care now more than ever. Whatever this means to you.
* Calmly talk to your sister. See where she is at. If you feel it is necessary, have a witness available when communicating with her.
* Contact an attorney that specializes in elder care / Wills.
* Do you have a copy of the will and/or can you get a copy?
* Was your mom of sound mind when she wrote it? Do you have medical documentation stating this?
* Was the Will updated or revision(s) made recently? Track this.
* Keep coming to this site for support. Filter through/out responses/'support' - read and heed what will really support you. Everyone has a different way of handling these things / situations. Gena

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Such a sad situation.

I for one am glad I read my mother's will. She has a "bill" in there for me, specifically for $1500 I am to pay the trust before it can be cashed out. YB who built on to his home to HOUSE AND CARE FOR my parents "owes" $6000.

I won't tell him about these codicils. They are not legal in any sense of the word, but are actually giant "FU" from the grave. I do NOT know why we owe her "trust" any money. OB stole well over $200K from my parents and YS took a $70K "loan" which she did not repay and was "forgiven" of in the will, and reinstated to receive her 1/5th.

I was seething with hurt and anger when I found this out. It's not legal and my brother, who is the executor told me he meant to tear this "document" up...he felt horrible that I even saw it.

Too late, the hurt will always be there. The only 2 sibs who have given mother care in her life are the ones who "owe" the estate money.

Money issues have fractured our once close family. What your mother did was awful. Sister happily taking it all is worse. I'm really sorry, I know, to an extent, how you feel.

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I'm so sorry about this. I see this in my husband's family. I put a lot of the blame on lawyers who play to the elderly parents and their ego about having, in my husband's parents case, lucked into a lot of money. They designed complicated trusts that basically shut the children out and leave everything to the grandchildren (we have no children the other sibling does). My in-laws are not in the least sophisticated with money or anything else and they just got talked into this so the lawyers could charge huge fees. Is it this generation that feels the need to "take it with them" in any way possible? I don't know, but it's really quite sad the degree to which money is put before people, especially your own children AND to not treat your children equally is terrible. Thankfully I did not grow up this way, but it even makes it more jarring to see now.

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Please hire an elder estate attorney for yourself now as others have said.

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I just spoke to an estate attorney & he told me these cases are very hard to prove & wanted a $7500 retainer!

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I am like you, trying to take care of my own mother and my brother does not give peanuts about her. She was even diagnosed with colon cancer from which she recovered because I had to convince her to get treatment ( I did all the running around ) and my brother who lives in another state with his wife did not even come to see her on the day of the surgery. You deserve to keep the house. God bless you for what you did by helping your mom , You are an angel.

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@keepingup sorry to hear of the loss of your mother and the betrayal you feel by your mother. I hate this for you. I lost my father last year. I had been his caregiver for the past 5 years after my mom passed. I had a sister to come out of the blue to see him one day and she used her visit to take him to the bank and get him to revoke me off her his bank accounts as POA. She withdrew money and convinced my father to quick claim deed of house to her. My father had dementia and she took advantage of this when she coerced him to sign stuff he did not understand. I was the one that my father always said he knew my son's and I would keep up the house and keep it in the family since it sat on 2 acres of land that it in an area where the value has gone up. Even though my father had a caregiver in the day, I came at night to get him ready for bed-feed him, help bath and medication and change him. My sister did nothing to help even though she lived in same city. But she was ruthless after his house and accounts. After my father's passing, I had to hire a lawyer. I am not greedy or run by greed. But she tried to say my father left her his house when I knew my dad would never want to leave her anything because he had not seen her but once or twice in 6 years. Over the years, I had put in much of my own money for repairs, utilities, as my father lived on a very small fixed income. I did my father's grocery shopping, got his medication, and made sure home was always kept nice and utilities on. My sister who did nothing, felt entitled that she deserved my father's home because I had a husband and kids, even thought she was married but her husband left her. She forged documents with my father's name to take me off as POA of his accounts and to get the home. My father's will was outdated..and so his estate ended up in probate. I had to hire a lawyer to help me contest her claims (filed a caveat) and able to show that my sister fraudulently signed my father's signature and she coerced him into signing while committing fraud. My sister always said to me that I took good care of our parents as she never came to visit them or help but yet she came to convince my father to sign everything to her and then manipulated the documents. It is so sad to see this type of family greed, self-centeredness after death. I hope you are able to get some type of positive resolution. In my case, now that both of our parents are deceased my sister no longer exists to me (she is dead). She turned out to be very evil with a lot of her tactics and now she is trying to take me to court for more foolishness. God Bless you and praying for your peace and positive resolution to stay in your Mother's home.

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You are allowed to continue to live in your home since you’ve been living there & taking care of your mom ...Sister was neither living there or mom’s caregiver...contact elder attorney & they will reassure you of this law. 🤗 hugs

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Are you sure about this? Are you talking about MERP? If Medicaid was not involved, then does the law of the state in question actually mandate this?

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This is another excellent example of the importance of a caregiver contract which compensates the caregiver on a real-time, pay as you go basis.

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For sure. And then you have my father of the greatest generation, who I took to one of the alleged "best" elder law people, who was first a social worker, who responded to my initial note by acting as if I was a potentially exploitative daughter (NOT). I took him to the damn appt and instead of asking if if he wanted me to be present in private, she totally excluded me. She told him/addressed the issue of a caregiver agreement but I don't think she adequately EDUCATED him. He always has been very naive and simply believes in women's work and family dedication. So my sibling is off in FL and NEVER has done a thing, while I cook, clean, escort, advocate, shop, bill pay, research, coordinate and everything else to the point of exhaustion. ANd things are set up in the will so that the estate is evenly divided. However, I have lived with them forever, and have provided care the past two years + so my case is pretty strong if it comes to that. I also keep a calendar book and jot down what I've done as back up. Others have noted that even professional caregivers do not work 24/7 without a day off. PS the original elder law attorney changed firms giving us an opportunity to switch and find a much better person. THe first made a no doubt deliberate error in the paperwork which essentially forbid me as POA to give "gifts" (as in making donations my parents asked me to), so for that one sentence change we had to have the whole form redone.

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Boy this is something here, so sorry this happened to you. What an injustice. I would definitely get a lawyer. Hope you win!

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First I'd really like to know WHY..... do you think your sister would know or would tell you?

As petty as it sounds, consider filing a claim against the estate. This is one of the main factors in the destruction of families after a loved ones death.

On the other hand hold your head up high. I know it hurts but keep moving forward with your life now that your loving responsibilities are on longer there.

God Bless

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It is not petty. Keepingup has lived in this house for ten years, it has been modified to meet her wheelchair needs, she has cared for mother and mother has assisted to maintain her by providing accommodation. This is not a personal issue, the State has provided legislation to cope with this situation and it has been in place for decades. The non-legal 'advice' on this topic is downright dangerous!

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BE SURE TO HIRE AN "ELDER ATTORNEY!!!!" THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. MY AUNT had exactly the same thing happen. She sued for the time and money spent care-giving and of course won. Now if you are extremely more wealthy than sister, there may be more work but YOU WILL WIN. What greed your sister has. She could not be any lower of a person.

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I would put it on your sister. Ask her for half the money since she did the work.
But, realize, and I don't want to hurt you, she may have let you sister have a care free life (compared to yours) on purpose.
Then, it's on your sister, not you, to be fair or not.

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Did you mean to say what you posted?

Sister did not do the work, poster did and sister is quite happy screwing keeingup out of any inheritance.

Mom and sister are both crappy humans for doing what they did.

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As a sad as it is, mom may have decided to leave her assets to your sister years ago. It would be nice if the sister gave you something.

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Whatever Mom decided, there are legal provisions to ensure that a person with a defined right to support can obtain what the court determines is necessary.

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Also on a legal point, if the mother intended to exclude one daughter from the will then, ironically enough, she's made a hash of it - she should have said so. By failing to make any reference at all to KeepingUp, the mother has left a gaping hole of ambiguity for a competent lawyer to drive through.

I suspect the hardest work to be done will be for KeepingUp to keep her own bruised and abused feelings out of the matter and focus on financial practicalities. I hope the surprised lawyer will be a great support to her in this.

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I'm not an attorney but as several posters have mentioned, if she wasn't specifically excluded in the will (i.e., "I leave my daughter Keepingup $1.00") or something to that effect, I believe that she has a case. Pursuing this seems far less emotional than mucking around with the sister.

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There are three different legal issues here. One is what a will says, one is what happens if there is no will, and one is whether a will can be contested. All three of them differ between USA states, particularly depending on whether a state has gone for community property (like most of Europe) or common law (like the UK). Many of the comments on the site so far are particularly relevant for intestacy (no will) or community property assumptions. However the most important one for ‘keeping up’ is the third, whether a will can be contested by a person who has a right to support. This is what takes the very rich to court to complain that they can’t survive on xyz million dollars! ‘Keeping up’ really really needs to see a local lawyer who is acting for her alone.

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.. and especially where a person has a right to support for needs which might otherwise burden the state!

Our big test case a couple of years back had public opinion divided on whether a woman's will to exclude her daughter (feud of decades) should or shouldn't be overturned. The will was overturned, and on any of the principles discussed in that case the judgement was an outrage! But what the headlines didn't dwell on was that daughter was claiming social security benefits. Hm, I thought, I wonder if that in any way influenced their lordships...

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Defined right to support? I would think of this in terms of minor children and divorce actions. Is this a common feature of civil law in many of the US states?

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It frequently applies to adult children with disabilities. I am not giving advice about common features of civil law in many of the US states, I am saying that Keeping Up needs a lawyer in her own state who is acting for her. Guessing is a potential disaster, and I wish people wouldn't do it.

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That is so sad. It happened to my late husband and his siblings. My FIL left all his properties to the one daughter. Had it been me, I would just have shared it with everyone. Sometimes the elderly do not think straight and are influenced to do this when ill. One doesn't know what they are thinking.
I believe in discussing it with the kids before one leaves. I have and my 3 sons all get an equal share regardless.

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Maybe the daughter is doing all the caregiving which in itself is inexcusable - but if this is the case she should either be paid for her caregiving or given some kind of bonus inheritance. But the sons should not be left out, certainly.

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Dear Whyarewe,
When a Trust is established, it gives the Trustee authorization to access all accounts and any Lockboxes. They simply present a copy of the Trust to the bank showing their nomination or nominations as to who is Trustee. The Trust protects you from having to go through probate. If there is something not listed as a part of the Trust, a Pour-over-Will, will clear that property through Probate with little difficulty. One thing we did with our Trust and my Pour-Over was to include a statement that my oldest who received a six digit settlement for a personal injury was excluded simply because, he got via the financing we provided for his personal injury settlement a lot more money than the three youngest will ever get after we have past. My DW also included in the Trust at staement saying that she made no provisions for me. We as fully informed adults chose to do this to protect the Trust as I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ. These provisions were being put in place at the time we were setting up the Trust and before we had a diagnosis on myself. My DW has always been in exceptional health. Our adult children that are the nominated Trustees, know all of the details as to how the Trust was set up and our wishes have been explained to them in great detail. I encourage everyone to do this NOW, before you have problems. Yes, it wasn't cheap, but it was affordable. The Trust was drawn up by an attorney specializing in Trusts. We then had the Trust looked over by an Elderlaw Attorney, who said, everything was done perfectly according to our current state law, but we'll review it every couple of years to keep things current.

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keepingup, it's clear that many are worried for you and some people are giving you great advice. Regardless of your grief at this time, get yourself to an Will and Estates lawyer asap. Do not move from the house you shared with your mom. Find out if the will has been filed in probate court yet. In probate courts the clerks and personnel are often very helpful. You must act quickly. Good luck.

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Minstrel, I am in process of doing that. I feel very lucky to have such wise friends. I know I have said this before, but this financial stuff makes me a little nauseous. She was a human being, not a bank account. Need to be more realistic. Thank you☺

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I am so sorry for your loss and that this happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. The betrayal, greed of sibling but most of all the hurt . Some people say move on but it's really hard to when you feel the loss of love from people who you loved & you thought loved you. My thoughts are with you.

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My 83 yr. old mother passed away two months ago. How do I handle surprise that the estate, incl. house we lived in, is left to my sister?

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