My mom is 85. She keeps pretending to be sicker than she is. She also pretends that she can't speak well. Some would ask, "How do I know." It's easy . She gets sick every Saturday, when home health doesn't come. She does this to frustrate me and make me stay home. My sister nearby is a drunk. The one downtown doesn't care too much. The one in Alabama just sends texts telling me what to do. I'm seeing a counselor . For a while I just prayed for death to come to me. I still don't enjoy living. I lost my best sister in January. My mom faked a heart attack to avoid the funeral. Does anyone have any suggestions ? I live with her but I need to move out but don't want a guilty conscious when she dies, if she precedes me in death. Any thoughts ?
I loved Jude's wise (as always) answer. Her idea that you change days for the caregiver to take off is terrific. If possible, vary the day so that your mother is kept off guard. That is counter to what I'd normally suggest but your case does sound like one of manipulation.
You mother needs to move into an assisted living facility or have a caregiver move in with her. Your siblings won't help and you've done this too long on your own. There's no need for guilt. She's supposed to predecease you. That's natural.
Line up care or, if need be, turn her over the adult protective services so they can force something through. Then move on with your own life. You can visit as you feel that you are able, but you can't let your mother end your life which could happen without change.
Please read this whole thread. There's a lot of wisdom here.
Carol
As children of an emotionally dependent, narcissistic parent(s) we are struggling to become adults. Our parents didn't know how to make the distinction between their roles as our parents and their left-over emotional needs as children who were probably abused and neglected themselves. I know exactly why my mother is so broken emotionally! Some of it is of her own doing. When we were young, she could suppress the feelings of hopelessness more because she had small children to distract her from the memories of emotional loss and abuse. She developed very ineffective coping mechanisms, but luckily didn't subject herself to addictive habits, just extreme codependency. My mother made me her substitute spouse from a young age. I have always felt emotionally responsible for my mother and I was pulling away from her because I was angry with her for burdening me with that. She controlled me and manipulated me until about 4 yrs ago when she had a mild stroke. She has been over-playing this stroke like you wouldn't believe. The stroke was her only hope of pulling me back in.
I haven't had a life for about 4 years now. I want to be in a relationship and deeply value family. I plan to take my life back and in doing so, i will have to make some very hard emotional decisions where my parents are concerned.
A few good things that I have learned through all of this are:
1) you can't want more for someone than they want for themselves.
2) I have a choice in exactly how much I want to give and take from this situation. That doesn't mean that I won't have to make sacrifices to be there for them, but I don't have to sacrifice "ME" to help them.
3) Helping my parents doesn't mean that I have to conform to their dysfunctional way of dealing with things. Helping them means keeping them as independent as they can be, for as long as they can be.
I will not do things for them that they can do for themselves. That is the problem with co-dependence. Codependent people look for others to save them when in reality they don't really need saving. This is very hard and emotionally taxing, but knowing that there are a lot of other people dealing with the same issues helps. The advice that I've gotten from others has been comforting and has helped me grow stronger each day. Learn how to set boundaries with your mother and don't feel bad about having to do that. I have so many people trying to make me feel guilty about drawing boundaries because they don't know how to do it. Learn to draw boundaries Nia!
The second thing is your md needs to know what she is doing and you should ask for some help from them The US lasses and lads will tell you what they are - I am in UK so it is different for us.
She can pretend she is as sick as she likes every Saturday but I would frustrate that by asking the home health to come one Saturday and not on a Friday or some other day - you only have to play that card once or twice to have proof that she is playing you up.
Siblings aren't always supportive for whatever reason and I would just ignore them for the most part. I would however ask the downtown one if she could spare you a morning as you HAVE to do something really important - doesn't matter what just something. Then when Mum plays up say its fine Mum xxxxx is here see you later and go. I agree with Pam on your Mums medication.
Finally - you DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER - if you are not of the type that CAN CAREGIVE then DONT - Caregiving and caring are two entirely different things - to be a caregiver you have to care but to care you DO NOT have to be a caregiver. Do not LET your mum play the guilt card on you - you will be effectively laying the guilt on yourself. - easy to say extremely hard to do.
She SHOULD precede you in death - she is your Mum when all is said and done - and that is the way of life and death. If you find the best option for care for her that DOES NOT include you then you will be able to visit her in a totally different mode and maybe the anxieties will go away for you. Once your mother comes to terms with her loss of control she will turn to other ways but don't let that impact on you - you have a right to a life too.
It's going to be a really bumpy road hun but once travelled the sun will shine on you once more and you will feel far better placed to cope
I am sure, and I hope, that you are very proud of the work you do to save lives. It sounds to me, from the little of what I have read of your postings, and the anger and contempt that comes across, that you need someone to save YOUR life.
I hope that you can find a bit of compassion for the patients in your care--and for yourself. I urge you to do something about your OWN pain.
Saying they are sick is common confabulation.. Speech will go for real… Blame Alheimer's... add in manipulation as a controlling device and go bonkers
Everyone and particularly medical personnel and caregivers must understand!
Confabulating and Confabulations
In psychology, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.
Key factors in confabulations are there is no intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false. Confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive, and the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false.
Carers challenge: is what they say true? Confabulations become a far greater concern in the later stages, because confabulations are much more likely to be acted upon.
It is difficult for everyone to accept a mind is damaged.
Confabulations are a major annoyance and can be dangerous- when we the take everything in a discussion at face value. Confabulating is very frequently observed in people with Alzheimer's.
My guess is that a sudden, miraculous recovery will ensue once your little actress realizes the price of crying wolf.
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