I have been taking care of my mom for over two years. I had to quit my career to take care of her 24/7 - my siblings have shown up two times since she moved in here; furthermore, they do not even call to see how mom is doing, nor do they show up for holidays - my brothers and sisters live within 20 minutes of my house AND they are frequently near my house (they have businesses and property near me). This has put a big strain on my marriage and my relationship with my husband and kids. At first I felt blessed to be able to let my mom move in with me, even though I would sacrifice a great career to be able to care for her (she has dementia). But after two years of hearing her talk nothing but good things about my brothers and sisters (according to her they are the most wonderful children in the world) and having my neighbors and friends tell me that she is telling them that I am worthless because I do not work, I have had enough. I am crying almost everyday; my migraines have returned, and I now have a host of stress related health issues. I understand she has an illness. I have asked her if she wants to go somewhere else to live, but she tells me she is happy here with us. Has anyone else faced this type of situation? How do you handle it? None of my brothers or sisters want her in their house. I don't feel right putting her somewhere, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to care for her or myself, for that matter. Also, I have periodically ran into people I grew up with and they were surprised to hear that I took let her come live with me, considering they tell me they remember how she treated me as the black sheep of the family, even as a very young child (by the way I am the oldest child - she was in her mid 30s when she had me). I just tell them that she is still my mother, no matter how bad she treated me growing up.
when hes bored, he picks on me like that and im so tired of that mess, then i get the 'cut me a break, im still your dad' im thinking ' act like it please then!!' i keep my tounge to myself, but im tired of going in my room and crying and my face all swollen, this is crazy..it would be one thing if he really didnt know what hes doing, but ill overhear him telling jokes about 'some dumb foriegn maid'; but telling a wrong version of what he did to me...its not fair, i know caregiving isnt fair, but if its this bad and mean now, im not looking forward to him later! in his mind now hes just playing a prankster, but im in real pain here, its not funny.the last time i went to the beach for a few days, the house was trashed, of course, so i clean.at first he seems appreciative, until he meets a woman at the lodge he thinks likes him.. now its operation 'get rid of baggage', namely me....im happy to go....i wish he would fid someone else to do my job here!!
I Will Survive, you did not deserve the abuse you experienced as a child nor do you deserve the abuse you and your family are experiencing from your mother now. You are not weak nor are you a failure! Don't waste the emotional energy being angry at yourself for not standing up for yourself like this earlier. Know this, you did not make your mother the way she was when you were a child nor how she is now. You can't fix her to finally be the mother that she never was. Nor can you control her problems. Very likely, she's a personality disorder that was never diagnosed long ago. I also think it would be good to read either Children of the Self-Absorbed or Surviving the Borderline Parent. The only thing you really have control of is yourself and the choice of putting yourself on a healthy path which it sounds like now you have done with your new title I Will Survive. You will more than survive. You will thrive and get your life back. Your marriage will get its life back and your family will get their life back. I hope they all understand that you have been lost in the F.O.G. for over 2 years. This was not a battle that they could have fought for you, but one only you yourself, as you are doing, can stand up and fight. Stay on this healthy path regardless of what your mom does or does not do in reaction.
You also have to remember that our parents grew up in a different time when there were only bad nursing homes available. Now, there is "tiered" care. Your mom may not need much right now, but as things get worse she would not have to move to a different facility....she would stay right there.
I know that a lot of your mom's nastiness is the dementia talking. But it does not make it any easier. She does not get to rule your life, your marriage, your family, or career. If you are a person of faith, the bible says that we have to care for our parents. It does not say that we have to sacrifice our health or accept unreasonable demands.
Take the steps listed above and start taking trips to see some of the ALFs in your area. Many of them are taking on more mentally and physically challenged residents than they used to. I was surprised and how nice they are and what nice people work there. Consider this too, everything your Mom needs is under one roof: meals, medical care, hair salons, activities, transport to appts., memory care, and opportunities for social interaction. Does that sound like a bad place to you?