I've just met a guy in our 6th months of relationship. He is 43 and I'm 32 yet our chemistry and connection is beyond depth. The more I get connected to him; I do see his devotion to take care of his parents as he lives with them under same roof. Here's where I need support in the concept of caretaker and being in relationship.
Background: The house in Berlin, Germany was built by his father but eventually developed a disease that led to full time on wheelchair with dissolving muscles over the years. His scene requires someone to watch him, prepare all meals, assist with nature calls that goes in a bag, uses special machines to lift his body on and off the bed. Consistent therapy to keep his legs moving. Long list to name even further, basically 24/7 care. The mother is in pretty good health in her 70’s however she has high fear to drive or fly for many years so my boyfriend drives her around or she takes the bus. In Europe, bus/train system is pretty good but still dependent on my boyfriend due to comfort zone of going from site 1 to the site 2 onwards.
Background continued: my boyfriend mentioned he moved in with them 2 years ago since he landed good job with Government which is only 15 mins train ride from his childhood home. For most of his life he had his own pathway so he said he felt it’s time to give back to his parents. On top of that it is extremely hard to find apartments to rent and/or buy so he rather to continue living at his parents since it’s pretty comforting place of 5 bedrooms, garden full of food, fruit trees, serenity neighborhoods and he has his own basement with full of office, studio and beyond. He mentioned it wouldn’t be nearly possible to find that comfort anywhere else in Berlin if he relocates.
So on a final note; from my observation it’s truly hard for me to visualize myself joining him and his life like that way as a new girlfriend. Two weeks was the only longest duration I slept over so am trying to analyze this experience. Pros; getting to know his fantastic parents with full of stories. Cons; seeing my boyfriend being the “son” role around his parents with different language use. Seeing him having full mindset of constant care once he enters back in their house differ than the fun joy boyfriend I spend the full day with at downtown. With that experience I told him bluntly which made him to realize to look at himself outside of box, out of his nutshell of his own reality. But then that was brief as he prefers to return back to his “act of love routines” on daily basis. Is it a greed of myself to feel like he deserve life of his own while he felt he is obliged to give back to his parents in this chapter of his life as a 43 years old childless man who wants to become a father.
I’m getting the hints that he would like to try see if I could move in. What about our future? Is this family coexisting possible? Is it better if I just head out of this relationship sooner since my intuition feel lot of fear or should I dive in deeper to give this a try?
You will HATE not having a boyfriend because he will devote most if not all his time to his parent.
You won't have much of a love life with your caregiver boyfriend.
You will RESENT having to feel like you need to also help care for this dad and mom. How can you refuse to help if you're right there?
You will eventually have to become a caregiver to his parents too.
You will be burned to a crisp caretaking his parents.
You will eventually become financially dependent on him and his parents for a roof over your head.
You will be stuck.
You will wish you had never stepped foot in this house.
By then, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years of your life are gone, depending on how tolerant you are.
If you have children with him (please do not), it a foregone conclusion that you will stuck living because you can't afford to move out and raise the kids on your own.
Oh, and another thing, his parents will HATE you.
You can either learn from other people's mistakes or you can learn from your own.
I can also tell you this. Many women in your situation won't believe the advice they get here, and will proceed to do what they want. That's ok, too. Many of us have to make our own mistakes in order to learn. But please don't bring kids into this.
"Chemistry" my behind! He's been playing you for a fool, and no healthy relationship is "beyond belief" when one partner's mind is engaged with Mommy and Daddy and he lives with them. Trust me -- the chemistry and connection is all an act.
You, my dear, are being scammed.
Leave and get as far away from this as you can and thank the heavens that you came to this forum and heard from people who know what they're talking about. Please be wise enough to take our advice.
Just drop off the key Lee
Just get yourself free
Very sorry, but this is nicht gut.
When a man has children, or has dedicated his life to his parents, he had no right to involve a young lady.
Head for the hills.
Best to use logics, not feelings. Feelings will cloud your judgement.
First, confirm with him what he wants:
A wife, a companion, a sex partner, someone to bear and raise his children?
A housekeeper, a cook, a laundry maid, and a gardener?
A nurse, a caregiver, a driver, a minder for his parents?
And someone to share the household expenses to have the above privileges? Tell him to be honest.
Ask him what he offers: half of a bed in the basement, sex, what else?
Tell him what your dreams are: a loving partner who has the time to spend with you. A love nest just for two. Couple privacy without interference from parents. Time for yourself, time for him, a career, which country you want to live in, etc?
Tell him he can't give you what you want because he will have to abandon his parents. Absolutely, you don't want him to do that on your account because he will resent you and his parents will hate you.
Tell him you can't give him what he wants either because you will be miserable living that life,
It's pretty clear to me, an outsider with no vested interest. What she wants VERY DIFFERENT from what he wants. No meeting of the minds. No deal.
If his parents ask, you can tell them that at this point in your life, what you want and what he wants are very different. You can't build a life together. Tell them their son is a great person, and they are great people and that you were glad to have known them, and that you wish them the best.
As for your question regarding how long you wait, no I don't recommend you wait any time at all. You are wasting time with the wrong person. Also, the longer you stay, the more you invest emotionally, the more stuck you will be. No, no, no. Get out now.
You can remain his friend if you wish, but make it clear to him you and he don't have a future together.
You are in your 30s, not too old but not too young either. Live your dream, keep yourself free and available for the right guy. Don't settle. Being single is better than being miserable.
To your first two paragraphs:
-Yes he is quite an intelligent man but in a sticky situation. As mentioned his parents aren't going to move out of the house that they customized built for and the abundance of food they are getting from their garden. They persisted to make the house accessible for the father's situation. He did bring up this topic couple of times and I know he knows. I think he does this as a temporary bandaid until the next solution comes up but my feelings are shouting a big NO. So, thats why I came here to be with you all for validation.
Thank you for those questions listed which are helpful! I know he wants a wife to live with, have his own family and start having children. Right now, his focus is trying to make "life better" for his parents in their house as he thinks he will reach the finish line by breaking the ribbon but he wouldn't through my eyes. They just keep adding the to-do list after two or three are crossed off...
Sorry I had to laugh at the half-bed sentence. Actually, he is the opposite of what you may think. He offers so much comfort to me as a respectful woman in their house out of love. I think during the two weeks he hopes to show me the raw side of their situation which is pretty obvious.
Noted! I'll roam onwards! What if he drops everything with his parents and make a big leap in finding his own place? Does that change anything?
"Coexisting"? Forget that.
You will be absorbed o to the codependent & become 'the help'.
I's no-one's fault but elderly or disabled people's needs can just take over a household.
BF has told you what he is. The Good Son. He is not at ready to be a husband or father.
I'm sorry. But move on.
That terminology is straight to the point. Thank you. I'll remember that. I've seen a lot of Italians families doing coexisting approach since it's their culture- well most Europeans are too due to the housing shortage, unlike America with an individualistic culture. Honestly, how do they all do it? I couldn't.
Noted. I'm dating a son not a future husband/father. I'll tell myself that several times.
Your boyfriend's family is holding him hostage via "fear, obligation and guilt". It's a nasty thing to do to an adult child.
Boyfriend needs to pull up his adult briefs and say "no mom, no dad; I'm not your retirement plan. I want to marry this beautiful woman and have a life of my own."
Wouldn't you be able to say that you YOUR parents if the shoe was on the other foot?
Perhaps the friend's visit was a setup so you could hear the truths you are too polite to ask.
The family friend (update) has tried to make it CLEAR AS CRYSTAL to our OP.
Many times in my life, I've received information that was unexpected. Maybe it was dropped into a chance conversation. Maybe it wasn't a chance conversation at all. I now see that people didn't want to confront the problem with me so they maneuvered the conversation around to a point where they could drop in what they thought I needed to know. That's what has happened to you with this family friend.
One such case with me was at my child's wedding. A very old lady came over to me and chatted, and suddenly she said, "You know they are a very close family, don't you?" Of course I did, and I said so. I thought they were a wonderful large family. Later I learned that this closeness worked to exile outsiders, and a person who married into it was an outsider. The marriage ended in divorce (as it needed to), but then I understood why this older woman said what she did. She meant to warn me but didn't want to say anything disloyal to this family she'd known all her life. I didn't understand her comment in its context until after the bad things happened.
You have been given a gift that is leading you to more insight about the situation. The friend's questions may not have been as unintentional as you think.
There are people who help us along the way. Take them seriously.
Good luck to you.
living together as boyfriend/girlfriend often breaks up the relationship anyway -- so if you do try to live with him (in his parents' house), it's very likely that after some months you'll want to leave (even if the parents wouldn't be there).
living together brings out people's true nature, and you'll very quickly see if you REALLY, REALLY love him, and he REALLY, REALLY loves you.
2.
anywayyyy, what kind of love do YOU want? the kind where you have lots and lots of doubts, and you ask strangers on a forum what to do about your relationship? or the kind of love that's so unstoppable, that there's no way you would let any obstacle stand in the way of being with your boyfriend. no doubts. total certainty that he's the one. and in that case, it doesn't matter at all what the obstacles are, you TWO will find a solution together.
why in the world is HE not helping to figure out what's best for you TWO? maybe he's not that dedicated to you? if you live with him, he'll just be glad he has a girlfriend in the house (maybe so you can do chores, help - and simply to have "female company")?
try not having s*x with him AT ALL, and see if he still wants to be with you, and have you in the house.
3.
be financially independent OP. i feel part of your decision might be based on the fact that (maybe) (of course only you know), you're looking for a cheaper place to live? so you want to live with him?
nowhere in your post do i see any words, like:
i'm crazzzzzzy about him, and he's totally crazy about me. we're really, really in love. i'm going to make this work no matter what, whether we live together now, or later, or whatever. he's the man of my dreams!!! let me tell you all his amazing qualities, and all the cute things he does for me. and, whenever i have doubts or worries, he and i always talk everything through and solve it together.
1. Noted! I lived in with my ex back then and it was already challenging so cannot fathom living with his parents as a new girlfriend or should I say expected caretaker...
2. I can see he is stuck in this kind of situation where his parents don't want to move out due to his father hand-built the house literally from floor to roof but that was when he didn't realize he would end up in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. So, with my BF's job that got him upped in the rank in Berlin instead of Munich so it is "natural" for him to move into the house and do both commitments until I came into the picture; I can see he hopes for that. But I refuse to, my intuition said that, and reading all of your posts helped.
3. Yes, I am financially independent- not like women being expected to be financially dependent on their partners. My BF is the pretty oldest guy I ever dated before and we just clicked. It is now at the stage where we need to face our "suitcases" at this point seeing if he will move on with his life or just continue being caretakers at his childhood house and the life rolls on.
No, I'm not extremely crazy because I have fallen in love hardly with a previous relationship that left me shattered. I guess after a few relationships; I'm becoming more conscious but not that conscious enough since I am here asking you all about this new situation that I have never experienced before. He is incredibly amazing, yes, with all of his life well-established career, and all of that. The only concern is his parents and their massive house. Sure is saddening to see his parents hoping to continue living there while they decline which is bad idea.
I'll hope to see if he locks on to new plan and make action happen- if not, I'll take the exit. How long should I wait is the question as well..Your inputs helped me to stay awake not being blind in love. Thank you.