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Never saw this coming. She has been there 9 yrs. What do I tell her is happening??? Covid will not allow me to spend a lot of time during this transition.
Does the Assisted Living Facility where she is currently have a Memory Care wing? (or floor) If so the move might be easier for all. Moving from one room to another can be handled by telling her that her current room needs some repairs. This would also work moving her to a different facility. If you take her out for a drive and bring her to the new facility. If you can get her room set up pretty much like the other one it might not be as confusing. A few suggestions that might help (particularly if she is mobile) If previous room was on the right side of the hall, it might help if the new one is the same. (if one is used to making a right turn to enter their room they may continue to do so) If it was 4 doors down from the nurses station, it might help if the new one is as well. I know a lot of these things are out of your control but it is just a thought.
My Mom was in the final stages when we moved her to LTC from an AL. We told her she was moving to a new apt and would be making new friends. She excepted that and transitioned well. Do not be surprised though if she declines even more. Changes will probably effect her. That is not your fault, none of this is your fault. It is just what it is. She is 96, God bless her. She has lived a long life.
Sadly, it is true that different facilities have certain levels of care they can handle and when it becomes a higher level above that which they are able to give, then, yes it requires her being moved. No doubt this is an upsetting event for you both. Keep the explanation simple. Let her set the pace on that. If she has mental issues especially, keep it very very simple and answer questions from her as they come. If it were me, I would say something like, Mom, the doctors say you need more care than this place can provide so that is why you are being moved (wherever). And then answer any questions and offer emotional support.
Because your mom has dementia(as stated in your profile)she may not even realize or recognize the change, and you may just be worrying for nothing. And if she does realize it, just keep your explanation simple like eeyore12 recommended. She will most likely adjust must quicker than you do. Wishing you the best.
Keep it as simple as possible, even if you have to make up a reason for moving (as others suggested, repairs, etc.) If you can have her new room set up as similar as possible to her current room, you may not even have to say anything about the move. Take her for a drive, have new facility set up a meal for you both (if possible) and then go to her new room. She may not even notice. If she does, answer any questions she has as simply as possible. The old place is closing, needs repairs, etc often work. Reassure her that you will still be there for her (when you can of course!)
Mom was beyond regular AL by the time we needed to move her to a safer place (she lived alone in a condo.) I only recently found out I won't have to move her to NH as she gets worse! Thankful for that! We're finishing up year 4, she had a stroke early Oct and is now on hospice (she also has issues with swallowing, due to the stroke, along with right side weakness.)
If she has dementia, it won't work to try to prepare her in advance. Just make the move as quick and smooth as possible. As suggested below, you can tell her she has to move to a place that can give her more care. Everything is more difficult during the pandemic, and it's sad that you won't be able to spend a lot of time with her right after the move to help her settle in. All moves are difficult for older people, and the adjustment may also take some time. My mother (97 years old) has been on soft foods for more than a year. She can no longer feed herself, and has to be fed. She is on hospice-type care at her facility, with the goal of making her comfortable, and no hospitalization. Your mother's medical directives (living will) should provide guidance on whether she would want to be fed intravenously if she can no longer eat regular food. Many people would not want that. Her new facility would want to have a copy of her living will.
96 years is not that old !!!!!!!!! I lost my grandmom when she was close to 103 at the hands of some insensitive people at a nursing home. Here is an article that I have just typed for someone else here about her. .. " The nursing system in this country has failed because it is not based on care, but greed, avarice. For a nursing home, like a hospital, the more money they can charge and make the better. In New York, since about the year 2013, the Cuomo dynasty has allowed nursing homes to take and sell a resident's property, if he does not have anyone else around, and sell it for a profit " to cover the expenses of the resident ". It is all bull. The system stinks and it is protected by loud politicians that only scream loud, but do nothing for the average citizen. " They are a disgusting breed in the United States. The motto that says that they do what they do because they love their careers and their fellow man makes me laugh. I lost my grandmother at a nursing home at the hands of very insensitive people who put her in a room with no heat, despite my complaints and my attempts to bring an electric heater for her. She eventually got chest congested. Their own radiologist did a chest X ray and found pneumonia in her lungs and told them to do follow up care. They did not. They did not even tell us or make an attempt to call 911 and send her to a hospital. The health care system stinks in this country. The take home message for all who are reading this is that you cannot depend on someone else to take care of a loved one in your family. If you ever make the mistake of trusting someone else who is not part of your family you will regret it for the rest of your life.
I hear you loved(love) your Mother very much. I understand the system of elderly care is very poor. A business with little to no room for any humanity. Most are understaffed, overworked and underpaid. The nursing home owners (often silently fully or partially owned by physicians) are the only ones that get substantial profits. However, by the time the body is 103 it is tired..(.think if a car is 20 years old we think of it as finished)..Your Mother probably held on here for so long because of the love between the two of you. And because she knew you needed her. Most elderly in homes do die due to pneumonia related complications. There is no pain...just feeling very tired..and sleeping a lot And if she wasn't on heavy antibiotics and/or ventilation for the pneumonia, it is a blessing. We all have to go home to the spirit from whence we came at some point in time. It was her time to go home. It will be a challenge for you without her..However, you Will handle it. Because you are her son. And she was a strong, vibrant and wise lady i feel Send her your love in thought in moments of quiet. .she will hear you. Make her proud
does she have dementia? if that is the case at some point they do need more care in their eating/drinking capability. I would just tell her that they need her room for someone else with other issues and that she will be moved to another place for a temporary placement and once they give her the okay she can go back to the other place (even though you know she won't - no need to tell her that.....and a little white lie won't hurt). I wish you well with the transition.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If so the move might be easier for all. Moving from one room to another can be handled by telling her that her current room needs some repairs.
This would also work moving her to a different facility. If you take her out for a drive and bring her to the new facility. If you can get her room set up pretty much like the other one it might not be as confusing.
A few suggestions that might help (particularly if she is mobile)
If previous room was on the right side of the hall, it might help if the new one is the same. (if one is used to making a right turn to enter their room they may continue to do so) If it was 4 doors down from the nurses station, it might help if the new one is as well. I know a lot of these things are out of your control but it is just a thought.
Sadly, this is a big step down in the aging process. I'm sorry.
Mom was beyond regular AL by the time we needed to move her to a safer place (she lived alone in a condo.) I only recently found out I won't have to move her to NH as she gets worse! Thankful for that! We're finishing up year 4, she had a stroke early Oct and is now on hospice (she also has issues with swallowing, due to the stroke, along with right side weakness.)
Hope her transition goes well, for both of you!
It is terribly sad that she has to move. Simply state that she is moving. I don’t think I would even go into a lengthy discussion.
Let her lead. If she needs to ask questions then answer. Also ask her staff to notify you of any concerns that she has.
Have faith that the staff will help prepare her for transitioning into a new facility.
Others with more experience in this area will give feedback.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
However, by the time the body is 103 it is tired..(.think if a car is 20 years old we think of it as finished)..Your Mother probably held on here for so long because of the love between the two of you. And because she knew you needed her. Most elderly in homes do die due to pneumonia related complications. There is no pain...just feeling very tired..and sleeping a lot
And if she wasn't on heavy antibiotics and/or ventilation for the pneumonia, it is a blessing.
We all have to go home to the spirit from whence we came at some point in time. It was her time to go home.
It will be a challenge for you without her..However, you Will handle it. Because you are her son. And she was a strong, vibrant and wise lady i feel
Send her your love in thought in moments of quiet. .she will hear you.
Make her proud
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