My mother moved in with us after my father passed and she fell down a flight of stairs (luckily no broken bones). She did not pay at beginning while I worked to get her home (several states away) ready to sell. I did all the work while working full time. I was not paid for anything (including cleaning out her home). After the sale, she did not offer to pay anything on a monthly basis. She has plenty of money and very good insurances including long term care guaranteed. 2 of my 3 siblings (all sisters) have fought me about her paying anything to help with expenses or cover her use of the space in my home. (2 bedrooms and private bath). They have told me I owe it to do this free of charge or mandated I pull up expenses from before she lived with us and compare to now so she would only pay the difference. I have stated that if she were living on her own, she would have a mortgage, utilities etc but to no avail. My mother hasn’t offered and acts oblivious to any drain this might be causing. (She has her full faculties). I’m missing work due to the stress this is causing. I’m angry and don’t know how to resolve this without creating a bigger rift within the family than the ones that were already there.
One last note. We are blessed to have a nice home and great jobs. I feel as if my siblings think that since we do have these things (we have worked very hard to get to where we are) no extra money is warranted. It’s not about the money. It’s the idea that my time and space are worth nothing in their eyes. None have contributed with anything since day 1. One sister has been there emotionally but that’s the extent.
I think the conversation you need to have with your mother (not your sisters--she has her full faculties, why would you talk to them about this) is "Mom, this isn't working for us anymore. It is past time for us to find you a nice Independent Living place for you to move into at the end of the summer. I've got some brochures from a couple; let's take some tours next week".
You wouldn't be the first person who invited their parent in to live after an emergency but didn't realize how wearing it can be to give up your space, privacy and time and be told that you should be "honored" or "grateful" that you are able to do this.
In the end, what you are doing is saving your sister's "inheritance". Stop doing that.
More like what THEY are doing is ensuring their inheritance.
Don't worry about your siblings as what ever arrangements you make with your mother, let your siblings know that they can make the same arrangements and mom can live with them.
You should let your mother know that you love her but you feel used that you did everything and wasn't compensated for it when she has plenty of money to have done so.
Let her know what amount you think it was worth and for the time she's already spent staying at your house room and Board free.
Since you don't need the money, you can have it all written up the amount and what it's for and have your mom date and sign it stating that the money will be paid to you once your mom has died before the inheritance is given out.
I assume the inheritance will be divided equally amongst you and your siblings.
Then, let her know that she has a choice in regards to the future.....
#1
She can continue living with you, for Total $$$ Amount. Have a list of what will be provided, rooms, food, cookinh meals, cleaning, taking her to her appointments, ect.
Choice #2
You will help her find her own Senior Apartment, ect to live in.
Choice #3
Go to Live with one of your other Siblings
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you getting reimbursed for your efforts since she is more than able to do so.
I find it totally selfish and unfair for your mom and Siblings to have not suggested what would be a Fair Amount.
The only reason they haven't is so they'll be more money left for their inheritance.
You are more than late to be bringing this up but better late than never and SHAME ON YOUR MOM AND SIBLINGS!
Juse because you have more than they do doesn't mean anything, you worked your butt off as it wasn't handed to you on a silver platter.
Be Fair and don't worry about anyone's feelings as they have already shown not to worry about yours.
You don't owe her anything. You obviously love her or she wouldn't be with you but, love doesn't pay the bills or put groceries on the table. Your sister's are only worried about their inheritance, not you, your family or your mom.
Get mom to sign a rental agreement and don't bother telling your sisters squat. Do this all through a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) to ensure that you are keeping it legal. I would also update all of her end of life documents while you are there.
Mom sounds oblivious to it all. Perhaps that's her mind set as well, that you owe it to her. Perhaps the siblings have drilled this into her head.
I would start with mom, keep siblings out of it (although mom might talk to them and complain, so beware!) Explain that her needs do impact your ability to pay bills. At the very least, she should be contributing to grocery and supplies (TP, paper towels, etc.) If you have to clean up for her, then there's that too. Personally, unless she's hogging the whole house, if there's room and she's using some of it, I wouldn't care so much about "rent", because whatever residence you have, her being there doesn't impact that cost. It's more about paying your own way.
Certainly she should keep assets stashed away, for the future should her needs become more than you can handle. A visit with EC atty with a lot of questions can give you an idea. Facility care isn't cheap. Hiring in-home help also can be very expensive, depending on how much care and how many hours are needed. Her assets should be protected and saved for those potential future needs!
Thankfully my mother had some savings and the condo sale brought in more, so her facility care was well covered. It was somewhat fortuitous that I was laid off just before she needed more help (dementia, living alone), so I could help out, but I was also 1.5 hours away. She rejected the minimal aides hired in less than 2 months, so Plan B, move to MC, had to be used. Like you, I had to clear, clean and arrange repairs on her condo so we could sell it. I didn't have that job to worry about, but it was a huge drain on my time AND money (which was VERY tight at that point.) It took multiple trips/week for about 2.75 YEARS to get it all done. What did I get for all that? Squat! I could have paid myself from the trust fund we set up, to protect her assets from charlatans and herself (she was talking about doing a distribution to us - NO!) I chose not to. Since the market can be capricious (think 2008!), I wanted to ensure the funds would be there when needed.
I am hoping that my brothers will allow me to take what remains after we distributed trust funds (some needs to remain to do one final tax return next year, but this year has depleted that remainder quite a bit!)
Although she has assets, esp from the sale of her home, that visit with EC atty should discuss POAs, wills, medical, AND how to protect the assets. At the time we did all that, it wasn't clear to me, but eventually I figured out that this "plan" was to keep the assets for us and put mom on Medicaid. Nope, nope nope nope. IF she lived long enough and depleted it all, then fine. That's what Medicaid is for. In our case, the funds were well managed and despite having to take about 50k/year from it to cover more than half her facility cost, there was still a good chunk left for the 3 of us.
Ignore the siblings. It is your house and your life. After atty discussion, perhaps you can have a good talk with mom and get her to understand. If not, take her to the atty - they can sometimes paint a better, uninvolved picture for her. She should be contributing something. You provide the roof over her head, presumably at least the meals and food she eats, and she does increase your costs. If she weren't living with you, where would she be? Facility? THAT would take much more. Siblings? Not likely. They have become used to YOU being the facility.
Independent Living is in order for your mother now, after 4 long years of living with you, or Assisted Living with her insurance policy which is why she paid for it to begin with. Either of those options is viable, or, she can move in with one of the Armchair Critics at which time you can inform them it's their duty to care for her free of charge.
Take your life back now, you deserve to.
And of course THEIR experience provides all the knowledge they need....
"When your siblings start actually DOING something, THEN they can dictate how things should go down."
Ding ding ding ding!
"... insurance policy..."
Depends on what it actually covers. I've read many comments where some of these policies only cover NH care, like Medicaid. Many years ago, there was an offering to sign up for this through work/insurance/benefits. I was skeptical then and still am. I've read that some insurance companies are getting out of the biz, it isn't profitable for them (though these restrictions would make it seem like it WOULD be!) Others have gone out of biz, leaving those who paid into it high and dry! If the policy she has covers any kind of facility living (most likely not IL), then it should be an option on the table.
"...she can move in with one of the Armchair Critics at which time you can inform them it's their duty to care for her free of charge."
Wouldn't it be so much fun to be able to be a fly on the wall when these conversations happen??? It would be hilarious to see the reaction on their faces!!!
your siblings have no say in this matter...period. It’s your home, your rules. If mom doesn’t like it then she gets to pick which child to live with. You teach people how to treat you is the saying Dr. Phil uses. Set your boundaries and don’t allow them or mom to trample on them.
They have a right to their opinions... But.
"You can speak your mind - but not on MY time". Thanks Billy Joel. Exactly.
Stop listening to their noise.
Arrange what you need to. Maybe that is obtaining fair payment for your services & housing. Maybe it is helping Mother into different accomodation. Her funds will pay for it.
Siblings that say 'family should help' oh, but not ME, just YOU - are selfish JERKS. I'm coining the phrase *Jerklings* for you.
Jerklings... like that too. Now I can say I have Jerklings, not siblings!!! Thanks!
My siblings were welcome to visit with mom anytime but they rarely did. They usually only stayed for a short while.
It is so hurtful to be criticized by others who don’t have a clue what it is like to be a primary caregiver in their home. None of us had any idea how tough of a job it is until we do it.
Tell your siblings that if they care so much about mom, and they don’t understand how you are frustrated with this situation, then they can take over your role as primary caregiver and see if they won’t be dissatisfied too.
I had mom for 15 years in my home! One of my brothers finally took the reigns, not to give me a break though. He felt like I was not doing a good job. Interesting because all of mom’s doctors praised me for wonderfully caring for mom. Let me tell you that he changed his mind about my caregiving. He later apologized to me and said he truly didn’t know how I survived as long as I had.
As far as financial matters go, one of my brothers told my cousin that he wished that he had the house and money that we had. My cousin told him, “Well, if you have what your sister has, you would also have the expenses that go along with it. Your sister and brother in law are responsible with money, they pay all of their bills, taxes and all educational expenses for their children. You have not been responsible with your money. You blew through your money as soon as you got your paycheck.”
What makes your siblings feel that you haven’t had expenses to pay? No one lives in this world for free! Add another person into the mix (your parent) and of course, the cost of living increases. You have a right to be annoyed with everything.
If this isn’t working out, consider another living arrangement for your mom. Who cares what your siblings think or say? They don’t have your best interest at heart. You don’t owe any of them anything, including your mom. You can be an advocate for your mom. You can continue your relationship with her as her daughter, not a stressed out caregiver.
Vent anytime. No judgment from me. It takes a bit of time to process our circumstances and sort through emotions and make needed changes in our lives. Nothing happens overnight. Take one step at the time. You’ll get there!
Wishing you peace during this stressful time in your life.
Emotional support is great and all, but it only goes so far.
Anyone can say a kind word or give a pep talk.
If no one is stepping up to literally help out with care or expenses, they should keep their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves.
The ONLY WAY that care in a situation like yours can work is if ALL of the siblings AGREE to accept partial responsibility, commit to doing their part verbally AND IN WRITING, then stick to the deal (rarely happens).