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My 87-year-old father in law is convinced that his 46-year-old caregiver is his fiancée (she told a friend she's just pretending to be his fiancée). She has isolated him from all of his family by telling him we don't care about him, and that we are "picking on her" because we don't approve of their relationship due to her age. She has blocked our phone numbers and even called the police telling them lies, saying we want to harm him and take his money. We are heartbroken and afraid for his safety. She's already conned him out of more than $300,000 and has taken control of his bank accounts. We have seen photos of him and he has had several black eyes and other injuries. We called APS and all they did was call his house and ask him, with the girlfriend next to him, if he was okay. He said "yes" so APS said there was nothing they could do. We feel helpless. The woman has installed cameras all over his house and electronically monitors his phone and email and has told him to never answer the phone. Two of my father-in-laws best friends, also in their 80's, tried to visit him and the supposed fiancée called the police and had a restraining order placed on them; she has said that she will do the same to any family member who tries to see him. We feel so helpless and can't believe this is happening. She has totally brainwashed him against the people who love him. What can we do?

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This is a horrible situation. My husband's father had the same thing happen to him. His 'caregiver' had done this before and was working with others in remote areas of North Carolina. It did not end well. You need an attorney in that state to help you. A good one. Don't hesitate - act now. The goal is the estate... if the will is changed to her receiving everything, her next actions could be harmful to your FIL.
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I had a similar situation with my father at the age of 89 and his then girlfriend who was 60. She was not his caregiver because he was fine until he suddenly had a stroke and wasn't. There was a lot of
'brainwashing' going on there and trying to turn my father against us. She was also a black-out alcoholic who had pretty much made a profession out of manipulating her enablers. I suspected abuse too and my father was from a generation where no man would ever admit a woman was abusing him.
See, your father is the goose that lays the golden eggs for this woman. My father was too.
May I ask who has your father's POA?
If you have it legally for now that can shut down her thieving from the bank accounts and running up the credit cards.
The person with POA can also file for conservatorship/guardianship over your father. If you go down to the probate court to file for it there will be a hearing. That is where you explain to the judge what's going on. Your father will also have to appear at that hearing and answer questions as well.
I'm pretty sure when the judge sees your 87 year old father with his "girlfriend" who is my age and also his caregiver, they can guess what's going on. I don't think it will be hard for you to get conservatorship/guardianship over him.
I didn't have to do this because my father went to a nursing home. I put her on the street though, and was glad to do it.
Visit the probate court and talk to them. They will help you.
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Gardentomato1 Oct 2021
You'd think that the judge and temporary guardian could have seen what was going on, but they didn't. Somehow she snowed them, and the exploitation continues. My FIL has been cut off from all of his friends and family, as the "fiancee" who by the way is married, has "encouraged" him to cut off contact by telling him they want to interfere in their relationship. Honestly, some people have no conscience and will do anything for money; and, some people will believe anyone who pretends to replace a lost spouse. Evil and sad.
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So, do you want to be an a-hole? Call the DOL and IRS, turn father in for avoiding payroll taxes and if she gets DHS, turn her in for failing to report income, most of these types do.
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pamzimmrrt May 2021
That is hysterical,, and perfect!
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OMG 😱 Who hired this crook? Private or from agency? Did she ever have background check? She needs to be FIRED ASAP & be ARRESTED!!!!! You need proof of all the $$$ stolen & go to banks with the information. Get control of accounts & get POA from lawyer…Also change locks on house! I can’t believe this went on as long as it did. Good luck & HUGS 🤗
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The police don't do restraining orders, that has to be done through the court system. With appropriate "proof" or sufficient words, one can get a temporary order, which will be issued to the person/people it is against, but it is only good for a limited time. To make it permanent, there has to be a hearing and both parties would have their say. Has this gone through the court system? If not, there are no restraining orders. She may have told them they exist, but unless they received something from the court, there isn't any order.

Too often APS is useless. Would it be possible to request a wellness check through the police, but you accompany them? You indicated you live out of state, so if husband is really concerned, he should go there, go to the police and request an escort/wellness check.

As far as medical records, if you pursue guardianship, the courts will order testing by other doctors. They wouldn't need his records.

You say she was hired through SIL, a "friend." Is SIL aware of what's going on? Has she said anything? Has your husband talked with her at all about it?

While an investigator might be able to find the scoop on this woman, it will take time. The lawyer you use should not just be any lawyer, they should have experience with elder abuse, aging, etc. A good one would know how to at least get him out from under her, perhaps a temporary hold in a facility that would test his cognitive abilities. While many issues take time to get through the courts, a good atty would know how to get emergency orders in place. If what you have described is really going on, it would be worth paying the cost to get to the bottom of it. His assets, if there is anything left, can reimburse the legal costs, if they find in your favor.

I should think if she has bled his assets dry, she would move on to the next target, so maybe. At the very least, if there is enough proof, you could get her off the streets so she can never do this to another person.
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I see that the OP hasn't been back since her posting and comments of May 3, 2021.    I wonder if she will???
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Rosewater1 May 2021
Yes, they will.
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There are pictures of him with black eyes? Did she send them to you? If not, who took them? If you have these pictures, then take them to the police
Have you seen proof of this restraining order? A caregiver cannot file for restraining orders for the person they look after,, the family would be contacted. It also takes a long time to get a restraining order and there have to be strong valid (and proven) reasons. And she can't just keep getting a restraining order, they are not easy to get. What could some 80-year-olds be accused of?
The APS has to go and investigate if called, they can't just call and ask. All of this seems very odd.
If this woman is doing all of these things, then you fight back harder. If someone was beating my parents then the fury would be unleashed..unleash your fury and fight dirty!!
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CM, I think there IS a lot more to the story.
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I find it hard to believe that the police and/or courts would take proceedings to place a restraining order on two people in their eighties trying to visit an old friend - unless there were a heck of a lot more to the story than that.
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Rosewater1 May 2021
There is more to the story. The abuser does not want my FIL talking to anyone because she's afraid he'll say something that will get her in trouble, she came up with lies about the elderly friends' visit. It's hard to believe and accept that my FIL is so brainwashed, but that's what has happened. Because we cannot communicate with him, hers is the only voice he hears.
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I smell a serial predator.    Seems as if she's covered all the bases, sequestering and isolating him.    People don't learn these kinds of tactics overnight.    There have been other threads posted here about these serial predators; one even cultivated her "marks" at a senior center.

I'd find a good investigator who specializes in elder abuse (if there are such folks) and do some background investigation, such as exploring her prior clients.   What the investigator should be looking for are past events and other co-opted clients, criminal records, including in other states, and if the investigator knows how to do this (I don't), access to her financial records to document the financial abuses.

BTW, how did your FIL find her, or did she approach him?  This could shed some light on her approach, and could be clues to past behavior.

If an investigator can produce this information, it could be used to get a TRO (temporary restraining order) and/or permanent injunction to remove her from his premises.  

"Two of my father-in-laws best friends, also in their 80's, tried to visit him and the supposed fiancée called the police and had a restraining order placed on them; she has said that she will do the same to any family member who tries to see him."   I'm finding this a bit hard to believe, i.e., that the police would initiate a restraining order against 2 friends, and for what reason?   Is this a TRO or a permanent restraining order?   

Another aspect that troubles me is that she has"called the police telling them lies, saying we want to harm him and take his money."    I would think the police would want some proof and wouldn't just take her word w/o investigating.  Did they provide any rationale for their actions, or inactions? 

I would also press APS to do its job.    The nominal "investigation" you cited is worthless.   Find out who the top exec is, and contact that person.  Also, if the state in which he lives has a elder law agency, or elder law advisor, contact those departments.
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MargaretMcKen May 2021
This is best advice from someone with legal experience!
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You need an attorney. $300K out of an account since 'friend' has been there speaks loudly what this arrangement is all about. If Medicaid doesn't have something to show he is not competent, when all the money is gone - all those gifts will be penalty months against him. She'll be long gone at that point.

Surely there will be a special place in the afterlife for those who abuse elderly.
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How sickening! If there is karma, she will get hers. She is evil!

I am so very sorry that this is happening. I hope your attorney will be able to free your loved one from this evil person.
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Sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Glad that you have hired an attorney. If they are any good, I hope they will push hard to get this situation under control. Your poor dad! She is a real piece of work. Greedy little monster! Elder abuse, big time.

I would keep in close contact with the attorney and ask what you can do to help move this along as quickly as possible. Any length of time for this to be going on is too long. Be prepared. I am imagining that when "she" starts to feel the heat, she might run, leaving your dad high and dry. Is he OK by himself? If not, you or someone will need to be there to pick up the pieces and get him evaluated and figure out what's really going on.

Elder care is hard enough without crap like this happening. Keep us posted.
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Signs and symptoms of elder abuse can include:

Injuries such as bruises, cuts, or broken bones
Malnourishment or weight loss
Poor hygiene
Symptoms of anxiety, depression, or confusion
Unexplained transactions or loss of money
Withdrawal from family members or friends
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Rosewater1 May 2021
Yep. We know, which is why we went to Adult Protective Services, and my father-in-law's doctor. APS is useless. We hired an attorney, and we still can't get law enforcement to do anything, all because my father-in-law is now so brainwashed and isolated that he believes whatever the caretaker tells him, and does whatever she tells him to do. We also found out that he is dehydrated and undernourished, but we can't prove it because the caretaker has now made herself his Power of Medical and has forbidden the doctor's to release any records to us. The legal system is protecting the abuser.
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Time to see a lawyer about guardianship which will only work if your father is demented and you have MD proof of same. If he is not demented then there is honestly little you can do about his intention to give all his money to this "caregiver". If you do win guardianship that can be reimbursed by the FIL estate. If you lose the cost is yours, and courts are VERY loathe to take an elder's rights from him.
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Rosewater1 May 2021
Yep. We did hire one. We also found out that my father in law has been diagnosed with slight dementia, and has been dehydrated and under nourished under her care; but, because the abusive girlfriend persuaded him to list her as his medical power of attorney, we can't get the medical records to prove it; the abuser took our names off the list of people the doctor's office can communicate with. The woman who is exploiting him is a pro; she knows how to cover her tracks. She even made sure that when she was getting paid to be his caretaker, he paid her in cash, so there's no record of her ever being hired (she's my sister in laws "friend" so everything was done without a contract; we live out of state, so my sister in law handled the arrangements). And, yes, it's very expensive for us to pay a lawyer and an investigator to try to gather evidence to prove what she's doing. It's sickening to see this happening to our family. My husband is literally sick with worry about his father.
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