My 91 year old uncle was overwhelmed as my mother's POA. Against my mother and my wishes he placed her in a memory care facility.

On dying at home: This is what my dad wanted to do, and he did at age 92. He had no idea how hard it was for me. And I had caregivers to help. Also a housekeeper once a week. Finally it was over.

So let's walk into his home, a beautiful South Florida villa. He'd been sick for almost 8 months. His hospital bed is on the sun porch. He loved to look out at the greenery and sky. The carpets are stained because he had accidents, bladder and bowel. Sometimes his bowels would just empty when we stood him up. We took precautions, the three and more caregivers and I. But it still happened. And food and drinks were spilled. He fell and bumped into things, leaving marks on the walls and furniture. His walker is in the corner. And the oxygen tanks. And the Hoyer lift. A stand to wheel his catheter bag when he walked outside. His suspenders tossed over the back of a chair. He needed them because his pants wouldn't stay up when he lost so much weight.

His medical supplies mingle with the food in the fridge. There are plastic bags of medical things and also morphine. Pills here and there, especially in the kitchen. Many bottles, many dispensers. All sorts of aids in the bathroom for toileting and showering. All kinds of bandages and boxes from catheters and other supplies. We had to make room for all the equipment throughout the house, so furniture and other items are piled in the dining room. We can't eat there. He can't either. 

The whole house smells like a sickroom. Bodily fluids, disinfectant spray to cover the odor. Antiseptics. Rubbing alcohol. Ointments. Paperwork from his hospitalizations. Folders pertaining to chemo, appointments. Large message boards for caregivers, for appointment reminders. Little papers with phone messages. Always dirty dishes to be washed, large bags of adult diapers to be disposed of (the garbage can, which was built into the ground, wasn't large enough for all that we needed between trash pickups). Always laundry to be done.

Dad crying that he wanted to die. Hospice doctors, nurses, a minister and PTs in and out. Never quiet in the house until nighttime. Difficult to leave the house to buy food, and I'd cook it only to have visitors stop by and eat it. Dad begging doctor to give him a shot to end it. Doctor saying no.

This is what dying at home looks like.

It's so easy to blame someone else for "dumping" mom off in Memory Care Assisted Living instead of facing the facts that she was left alone at home, with dementia, to fend for herself the majority of the time. A dementia patient needs 24/7 care and help with showering, personal hygiene, cooking, in other words EVERYTHING. Just because you are a firm believer that a person has a right to die in their own home does not make your belief gospel in this case. Your uncle did not shirk his duties as POA but embraced them by placing mom in a safe environment with 24/7 care on site. She appointed him POA for a reason. Accept that fact or petition the court for guardianship of your mother and best of luck with that.

You'd be wise to recognize what's truly best for your mother at this point in her life, not what you believe to be best. Unless you're prepared to move her in with you and do the 24/7 caregiving until she passes, leave things as they are.

Hi PerryMason,
Welcome to the Forum. I hope that you will fill in your profile all about yourself and about your Mom.
You say this to us "....The hospital said he had the last word because of the PoA. The task was to much for him. So he put her in there so he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. How do I get my Mom home where she belongs? "

This reflects that your mom's brother was appointed by your mom to act for her, and to act in her own best interests when she can no longer make safe decisions on her own. Your Mom is having memory deficits now, you tell us, and she's using a walker. While you are visiting her daily and making certain she is cared for and fed, there is much more to living in and maintaining a home than that. And neither your Mom nor her brother/PoA can handle those things, even with your solid support.

As an old retired RN I can tell you that a fall by a frail senior who cannot get back up until found perhaps 8-16 hours later, can result in a sore that goes down to the bone with necrotic tissue, sepsis, and subsequent death. That's just one dire circumstance that could occur with mom on her own in her own home. House fires are not uncommon. At times people wander outside and cannot find their way home.

Your mom has been safely and legally placed now. I hope against hope she can keep her little dog with her, or that you can care for it and visit with it. Would that we all could remain in our homes forever. I am 82. I understand with all my heart the wish to leave "feet first" as they say. But it isn't always possible.

I hope that your mother will adjust and like where she is, or at least be content. I hope you will as well, and will visit and come to see that this may be for the best. There is never a perfect answer in these things. But your mother chose the person she felt should/would/could act for her; he has done so. I would concentrate on supporting them BOTH in this last time.
I am so very sorry. Nothing has the "perfect answer". This is an imperfect world. I wish you all the best of luck ongoing. Do know that any fight for guardianship would likely be lost by you, and that it would cost perhaps 10s of 1,000s in cash up front.

My very best to you.

I'd like to hand him a medal for being able to do it against her wishes.

She wasn't doing fine if you have been caring for her for the last 15 years, this is called false independence, you are her crutch.

We had to move our step-mother from AL to MC because that is where she needed to be, because we are not clinically trained, my brother & I could not provide the care she needed.

You don't get her home, you visit her and accept her aging process, everything in life cannot be as you want it to be. There is a big difference between "Wants" and "Needs", most likely she is where she needs to be.

Support your uncle, he had to make a hard decision for her well-being.

My two cents...I listened to my mom's requests to be home and tried to accommodate as long as possible. Right under my nose she lost 50 pounds because she was either sleeping through meals or simply forgetting to eat. When I noticed nearly two weeks of medication never taken (she lived 4 hours from me so daily visits were not possible) I took action for her safety. Her wishes could no longer be accommodated because they were not rational. She had signed a POA to me years before when she was able to make good decisions. She lived with me for 11 months at which time we could see she was needed more care than we could provide and my personality was actually changing due to stress. She was placed in a lovely memory care facility where the staff rarely changes and they love on the residents like their own family. She still thinks that she is going home when she finishes whatever medical situation she has.

If your mom is not yet to the point where she cannot understand where she is or why she is there, now is a good time for her to adjust to it. My mom can't adjust because I waited too long. She is constantly packing everything up in small plastic bags she takes from the trash bin in her room and waiting for someone to take her home. It is sad. I wish I had put her there when she could still somewhat adjust and know that this is where she now lives.

With all this being said, in the days just before I moved her to memory care, she had several different days where she was quite lucid for a few hours and I was able to talk to her about my plans. I explained to her about the place she was going and why I had selected it. I was able to tell her that her best friend had selected the AL next door and that they would be able to see each other more often. She was able to acknowledge that it was time and that she felt it was a good choice. In those hours she understood that she could not go back home and that caring for her was more than I could undertake while working full time. This time was a true gift and I am so very grateful for it because I know that my mom may not remember but her lucid brain understood and agreed.

Your uncle may only be trying to avoid the hard work of caretaking, but regardless he has done the right thing if she has dementia.

I am sorry to be harsh but you need to face reality and mourn the loss of your mother's ability to live alone because it is no longer realistic. It is not your fault, nor is it your uncle's that she does not get to live at home until death. I can imagine that you love her and would never want to see her suffer like she would if she fell right after you left one day and lay there until you arrive the following day in pain and fear and, let's face it, probably her own body fluids and feces. That would devastate you and her. The harsh reality is that it is only a matter of time before she forgets to use her walker and falls, possibly to her demise but definitely to her detriment.

I would definitely try to get the facility to keep the little dog with her, not only will it be good for her but it would delight the other residents. I volunteer with my church at a local memory care and they have two dogs that live there full time. I want to approach my mom's facility about getting a dog or two because I see how much the residents love them.

After 15 years, you, too, deserve a break from daily care. You should still visit your mom often and at different times of day so you can advocate for her as needed but leave her care to professionals and you just enjoy being her daughter for whatever time you have left with her. You may not see it now but your uncle is giving your life back as well as his own.

I'm sensing your mom might be a little further along than you think. They would have evaluated her before admission. Your mom also has the ability to speak up for herself. If she was with it enough to live alone, she would have said something. I am curious as to why your mother has given POA to her 91 yr old sibling and not her own child? We would all love to live in our own home until elderly and magically pass away in our sleep, but for the majority of people, that is not what happens. It is not safe for someone with dementia to live alone. I could get into the fifty things that could happen to her, but I think you already know this.

My advice...thank your uncle because there is still plenty for him to manage and visit your mom as often as you can.

If your 91 year old uncle felt overwhelmed it's because too much was asked of him, perhaps he sees things more clearly than you do. Coming in once a day is not sufficient for someone with advancing dementia, she may have her familiar things she also has no help when there are problems (and trust me there are), social outlets or supervision.

Since your uncle is the POA and not you, he did what was best for your mom. Your mom needs 24 hour care She is not safe alone ever. Your mom's dog cannot put out a fire if one occurred. Unfortunately, your mom's memory will get worse. Please don't resent your uncle. I am sorry you feel betrayed, but your uncle did the best he could considering the circumstances.

PerryMason1987: Perhaps your mother is where she needs to be.