My mother lives alone at home, I am her daughter 72y/o and go a couple of times each week to visit, take her to doctor's and help out. She wants to clean, cook etc but has back pain after doing any of these activities. Doctors have told her not to do anything that gives her back pain. I have suggested having someone clean house at least every couple of weeks but she refuses, "I don't want anyone in the house." Is this stubbornness or something else?
Be very very careful, as the person she does allow into the house is YOU. Beware mission creep. You say you visit, provide medical appt. transportation, and "help out." What does "help out" mean? Are you already doing cooking and cleaning?
What's the plan as she further declines? My mother happily looked at ALs, but then insisted she wasn't ready, but that AL might be okay for "someday." (This was when she was 90, 91, 92...)
She ended up skipping the AL step entirely, when she was hospitalized with a gallbladder infection for 17 days, then on to rehab which became her LTC placement. Her mental state deteriorated upon entry to the hospital, and she needed someone with her all the time after that (plus, she had a permanent gallbladder drainage bag). She died not quite 6 months after being hospitalized with the infected gallbladder, at almost 93 years old.
All knew that I I would NOT become her fulltime life-in caregiver. She'd said for years that she could never live with me. Is there a question hovering in your situation that YOU will eventually be the one to take fulltime care of your mother?
It might help your mother to go through that process too. If she can find some things that are OK, and other things to delegate to someone (you? Cleaner? Carer?), it might help her to feel more in control of ‘her house’ and ‘her role’. It would drive me around the twist to be completely useless, and your mother might feel the same way. Sometimes it’s not just about ‘anyone in the house’, it’s about yourself.
Who ever does?
Until robots become our reality, I suppose Mother will need to choose the least worst choice for her - from real world options.
You may add to it but here is my real world choice list;
- continue to clean/cook & put up with back pain
- continue to clean/cook, with more pain medication
- get meals delivered & go without housecleaning
- hire a cleaner/cook assist person, as a trial
- go without meals or cleaning
My LO's list got to the point of;
- accept falls alarm & EMS for fall pickup or
- live on the floor
I hope your Mother is not so stubborn!
I think many elders, with or without any cognitive decline, feel and ARE vulnerable. When my mom got the point where she couldn't effectively clean any longer, we hired a crew of ladies who were related to the woman who cleaned for my sister in law. One of us stayed with mom while they cleaned, checked that things were done properly and handled the cash transaction at the end of the day.
Do you think your mom would be comfortable with that sort of experience?