My 94 year old mom is in the hospital with non stemi. She is in good care but I’m worried what this will mean for her future.
She has lived alone in a house next door to ours since we moved her here after my dad passed 12 years ago. She was able to care for herself at first but has declined at a steady rate to now, where she sleeps in her recliner and moves so little that her muscles have atrophied to where she is too weak to do almost anything. To her credit, she still wants to live in her house and do things as she feels like doing them. Her house is clean but messy. She tends to not put stuff away since it’s easier for her to get it when it’s sitting out. She has a small garden outside that she waters. I do all the heavy work in it. She walks up the driveway with her cane to check her mail. I drive her to the store and doctor. Now I worry she may not even be able to do these things and may need to go into a home, which she is adamant that she does not want. She says she wishes she’d just die and not be a burden on anyone. This is so depressing. She’s been quite depressed since my dad passed, acting like her world is coming to an end almost daily and complaining about everything even when there is really nothing to complain about. I have been her sounding board fit these daily doses of depression and now I think she will be worse. I work full time and can’t quit my job to be her full time caregiver. Have any of you had a similar situation and how were you able to solve it?
7 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Is medication or a heart catheter better for a 96 yr old with blockage who previously was independent?
- How can BIL & DIL caring for very difficult stubborn MIL with dementia and rages at DIL be helped?
- I'm 56 years old and suffered a pretty serious stroke about a year ago. I live alone in rural North Carolina. I've been fine until recently.
- Home health isn't working out.
In his early 90s my father was simply exhausted by life. He was not depressed. He'd had a fine life and still had a loving wife caring for him. But he longed only for as he called it "the long nap". He loved to sleep. Getting up was a burden. He tried so hard but really I was the only one he shared his real feelings with. As a nurse I had heard it from many of my patients. They are old. They have lived. They loved it but they are tired and they are ready, and their saddest moment came of their families inability to hear them say they were ready to go. They were left with having to tell their nurses their last truths.
I would discuss Hospice care now with your mom. I would tell her that you will never be ready to lose her, but that you will carry out for her whatever wishes she has in these last days. If she wishes no more medical intervention then leave that to her. Let her know you will care for her in her home so long as that is feasible. And you will not abandon her, and you will see her out as she saw you in, with love.
If you need help in accepting that we all will die--the cradle hangs over the chasm they say, meaning we are born to die--then see a LSW is private practice as a counselor to help you work through life transitions and your impending loss.
You are enormously loving; your mom's so lucky to have you.
This is a very good time in her life and yours, to stop thinking or talking about “a home” (a term that 50 years ago meant a gray building filled with gray people sitting in silence and waiting to die).
Familiarize yourself with “levels of care” presently available in many areas, starting with “independent living” and progressing from there to “assisted living” and finally to “skilled nursing” as physical and cognitive skills continue to decrease, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
You may be surprised to find that life can still be very nice in residential care. My mother thrived after entering a good local residential site with good ratings from overseeing agencies.
The “script” she is offering is not unique. Many people say what she’s saying, and there are medications that introduced in small doses may be helpful for helping her deal with her feelings in ways that can be more productive for her.
When you have developed some sense of what progressive care sites are available to her, you will be in a better (not easier) position to come up with a situation that will work for her AND your family.
You have already “paid your dues” caring for your son. Be sure to look for BALANCE, as you move forward. It may not be possible to offer what she thinks will make her “happy”.
Aim instead for safe and well run if residential care is on the horizon.
Be sure you are taking excellent care of yourself. You are important too!
Even though your mom wants to remain under your care, it may be more then you can handle. My dad wanted constant reassuring and his days and nights were backwards. It was exhausting and not sustainable, oh, there were 5 of us propping him up.
This may mean that she now has to face some hard realities about where her needs can best be met.
It is hard, hardest thing I have ever had to do, placing a loved one but, sometimes it's the only viable solution.
You are right to be concerned, this is a life changing event and her age makes it even more so. Get ready with those boundaries and kick that guilt to the curb, because you are it for ensuring she is where she gets the care she needs without sucking everyone around her dry into death.
To her credit, but to YOUR detriment. I've skimmed your past posts, and you are an only child who feels compelled (your words) to please her.
You are asking how to solve the issue of your mother needing more care. Don't you see that the obvious solution is to move her into a facility?
We placed my mother in AL 4 years ago at age 94, she fought us for years about going into a home, She was living by herself in the mountain area of North Carolina. You had to be a Billy goat to get in and out of her house. She sat all day and watched game shows alone, she was very depressed!
She finally had a slight stroke and we scooped her up, brought her to Florida and placed her.
Well, she loves where she is, someone is there 24/7, there are activities, bus trips, good meals in the DR and she has made many new friends!
She also sleeps in her recliner as it is easier for her to in and out of, my step mother in MC does the same thing. Very common for old people to do.
So she said "I wish I would have done this 10 years ago"! Being with others her own age has renewed her will to live!
Life for her is good!
The best course of action might be to find a wonderful rehab facility that also has long term care placement available.
If it's the case that mom cannot return home after rehab, she will be able to stay in what is then a familiar setting. We did this with my mom after a broken hip.
Undoubtedly, mom will want to come "home". Given that you already have a son with CP and husband with on-going health issues, you simply don't have the bandwidth to give her the kind of care she needs.
Please talk to her docs about her long-time depression and whether some antidepressant medication might be advisable.