My sisters think assisted living is a death sentence. We all live over 500 miles away. Cousins provide some care with driving and trips to the doctor. They are starting to think that we are irresponsible. She lives in rural northern Michigan. Mother will not wear a life alert device. She cannot hear if her cell phone rings. My friends tell me that I need to take control and move her (we have no idea of her financial status - her choice - but know she doesn't have a lot of money) My sisters think we need to let her decide how to live. I'm the oldest and a problem solver. Sisters think that is a negative thing. I'm so conflicted. In addition - mother has always been self-absorbed, so the bond is not real. She persists in thinking that we are the children and she is the mother. I know that is not unusual, but so difficult. I'm 75 - our only child died in a car accident right after he graduated from high school, so I tend to view things through the lens of someone who knows that I need to plan how to deal with my own aging and cannot spend money on my mother's inability to plan - then I feel selfish. ARRGGG
BUT--it sounds like you should leave well enough alone. Mom is 97? She doesn't have 5 years and certainly not 10.
She's going to either have something catastrophic happen to her, living alone like that, or she's going to die in her sleep. Can you live with that? I could. Sounds like your sisters agree.
People have a right to live as they choose--and your mom is doing that. Honestly, do you WANT to insert yourself into this situation at this point in the game? Just b/c you're oldest doesn't mean anything. Your youngest sister is as responsible as you are...if you want to label it.
Go see your mom, just for the sake of a visit. You should NOT be spending your own money on mom's needs. If she's lived to 97 in what can be considered Independent Living--then I'd let her go on.
Maybe have neighbors check in on her a couple times a week and report to you, but really? If you don't have a relationship with her now, it's kind of too late.
You have absolutely NOTHING about which to feel selfish. Let the cousins know you appreciate their help and let them know you are simply letting your mom have her life her way.
And actually, you ARE the children and she IS the mother. There's a certain measure of respect inherent in that dynamic--whether you are close or not.
If folks think you should take over, explain that to them and give them the number for mom's local Adult Protective Services office so that someone with official standing can explain it to them.
Do NOT spend your own money trying to solve this.
I honestly don't see how your 97 year old mother is safe living alone in a home on 20 acres, being deaf and unable to walk, with her children being 500 miles away! How can she even function? Your cousins have been saddled with driving her to the doctor and some other care, so I can see why they think you're being irresponsible. If they weren't doing this for your mother, then what?
At 97, your mother needs help. If she won't move into Assisted Living and you children are 500 miles away, rather than leave the care up to your cousin's, hire in home caregivers to come in daily to cook, clean, drive, do errands and insure your mother is looked after properly, even if she balks about it. What happens when she falls and isn't found for days??? Daily in home caregivers prevents that scenario from happening. Just her being deaf is a huge danger!
She needs and deserves some level of daily care and attention at 97. You should not be paying for it, either, your mother should. If that's an issue, apply for Medicaid to help.
Good luck
Independence, Semi-Dependant, Crises until the final Demise.
It seems to me that inbetween stage of Semi-Dependant is what wears out the helpers, whether they be caring neighbours, friends or nearby relatives - in this case, the local cousins. IMHO this is your Mother's current stage 'Semi-Dependant'.
A *Slippery Slope*.
The cousins stepped in to help it now find themselves sliding down this slippery slope doing more & more & turning their frustrations & resentment your way. Right?
This was a gift your cousin's gave. It was admirable of them & you can thank them. If they can no longer keep up their gift, wish to reduce or withdraw their help, they should directly tell your Mother. The responsibility is actually hers to find replacements. Before you laugh outright... they should at least try this.
What's Mother's reaction? Does she have insight?
Yes? She may call you to arrange alternative assistance, discuss her future living arrangements (even to discuss the hated AL option).
No? Do they get a wall of "I'll manage, I'll be fine, don't you worry about me.." A wall of denial, lack of insight, lack of reason, lack of problem solving all adding up to what looks like stubbornness but could be cognitive decline.
Going forward & keeping good relationships with the cousins would be my goal. You can't just march in, take over & move Mother to an AL setting. They just may not get this, even if explained. Be best if you can all work, if possible though.
What they CAN do, since they take her to the Doctor already is report your Mother's situation to her Doctor asap - "we are concerned...".
Sometimes... when the Doctor says "It's time to move" they actually do.
If mom doesn't have the money, you can apply for Medicaid for her. You don't ever spend your own money for her care. Your money is for you and your husband.
You don't mention if you or your sister have any of the necessary POA's for your mom, but I'm guessing you don't. Without them your hands are probably tied, sadly, and you might have to wait for a crisis, before anything can be done. And don't worry, a crisis will come and that will be your opportunity to get her placed.
Maybe time to sell some of that land for her care. You are not being selfish. You have your own future to consider. Do not spend ur own money not even thinking u will recoup it in the end.
They don't think about what happens if they get hurt and how they are going to be cared for. The biggest risk isn't dying, dying is kind of easy logistically, breaking a hip can ruin years and not just their years, yours too if you have to care for them. As someone I know put it, "he was climbing the ladder to fix something, didn't want to be a burden, well, he's a $%^@# burden now isn't he."
At the same time, do you really want to lock someone up in a home for years too? Isn't that kind of like breaking their hip for them?
Me, I just try to take pieces out of the equation. I have most of my father's finances, except for his investments, mail, and I work on little things where I can. I got a handyman to install some stuff, got him a new oven, etc.
The other day I noticed his electrical outlets were a mess, looked like a Jenga game with all the bricks on them. So I ordered him some surge protectors, threw a couple of things away. You'd have thought I was tearing down a wall with all the grumbling and griping he did but it was a mess, unsafe, and easy to fix, so I did it. It helped when he stepped on one of the power cables and pulled it from the wall before I got to it.
Look, it's messy, you don't want to 100% protect them, you don't want the consequences for them, or you, if they don't. All you can do is the best you can do. It'll be good enough.
1. Tell him anything I suggest is in his best interest and out of love
2. We give him choices with the pluses to each choice and negatives where needed(in your case…..maybe AL near her home or near the home of one of the children)
AL has been a good choice for Dad as they take the residents out to stores, doctors, etc. He has met people he knows and new friends that are residents. He has friends and family visit him and goes out to his church when he wants. His personal care (ie hygiene and clothes) is better too.
In home care was a concern for us if someone were to call out and if I am out of town (I travel a lot for work) then what? He got it and understood after multiple discussions.
She needs to understand that cousins love her but are unable to manage her care any longer.
I would suggest having a cousin take her to see a few places if possible. Maybe try a few nights of respite care at one of the finalist locations.
Sisters need to understand it depends on the AL the care given. Some we saw I would not let them care for a pet.
Best wishes.