My aunt refuses to move to a facility and changes her mind about the care she needs even daily. My four remaining siblings all care but are spread across the country and do not support me emotionally other than a bimonthly zoom where we talk about her for maybe 5 minutes. Any advice?
What is your aunt's health condition? What kind of daily assistance does she need? She's probably trying to retain her independence by resisting assistance. If she can do certain things, let her. Don't be too helpful.
If you suspect dementia, make an appt w/ her PCP for dementia screening. If he/she suspects some cognitive issues, your aunt would be referred to a specialist for further evaluation. Present it to your aunt, however, as a regular checkup, not a dementia evaluation.
If she is competent to make her own decisions, there's nothing you can do about that. You can't force her into a facility, nor will having her POA allow you to place her. Get the dementia screening and go from there.
Is Aunt mostly independant eg can arrange her own deliveries & services if you went away for a month? Semi-dependant needing help weekly? Or fully dependant needing daily help for many activities of daily living?
She may have denial or dementia. Getting a full medical & needs assesment done may show the way forward.
SHE doesn't want to go to a facility? Well, SO WHAT? What about YOU? Are you going to continue to sacrifice your own health?
Do you have POA for her? If not, who does? I would step away and give the responsibility to someone else.
As Geaton said, a good physical would not hurt. Labs would find any levels that were too high or too low. A neurological check up would not hurt. If she is living on her own, maybe your County Office of Aging can evaluate her needs.
If your Mom was her Caregiver, be aware you are not your Mom. You have different responsibilities. What does Aunt change her mind about? Is it an emergency? You don't need to be at her beck and call. If she has money then she can pay for help. Cleaning her house, mowing her lawn. Prescriptions delivered. She needs to understand you can not do it all. Boundries if she can understand them. One day a week you grocery shop and run errands for her. My MIL shopped almost everyday. If we had been her Caregivers, that would not have happened. I didn't do it for my Mom.
Does anyone have durable PoA for her? This should happen before any diagnosis of dementia. This is it's own topic, for without someone having PoA for her and therefore being her legal medical and financial representative, the only other options are for someone to pursue guardianship through the courts or to wait for the county to come in and get guardianship.
Best to start by figuring out what is actually her main problem and then it will be easier to know what to do for her next.
If she's NOT living with her, just doing what you can and walking out is just fine. Likely she doesn't even remember.
I washed my mom's windows 5 years ago for mother's day. Went back to do them again this year and she insisted that I had done them just months ago. (60 months, to be exact). I had to scrape the hard water stains off with a razor..so it had def been 5 years.
She didn't appreciate nor comment on them. Then later I heard that she was SO GRATEFUL that YB and his wife had washed her windows. SIL called me to say that she had done them almost 10 years ago and what was up?
We try not to let stuff like this get to us. Luckily, I don't live with her, so I can easily get over any 'losses of reality'.