My bf and I are both 54 and his father died 4 years ago, leaving him the caregiver of his mom, 92. We started dating two years ago and there were many ups and downs and break-ups due to the stresses of him having to work all day, then care for mom 3.5 hours a night. It was always the same fight and I was very needy, wanting him to spend lots of time with me. In the end we broke up. Six months later we got in contact because we really love each other very much. He is very shy and has a form of Asperger's which I learned about after the breakup. He is an amazing man who had not dated much and I had been divorced many years. I know he is worth it but is under huge obligations to mom, who is getting worse. His mom is not easy to handle and I worry but realize that in the past I gave too many opinions and want to support him and be there. At this time we can only see each other once or twice a week whereas at one point we lived together. I have activities and grown children who I talk with a lot and a job. I think it is tough because it is hard for him to not be exhausted therefore I try to stay upbeat to make his life easier. I have worked in elder care and know his stress is unreal, but it is hard because I miss him and we live right down the street from each other. I want to give him space to have a break when he is not with her. I have never met anyone like him. I am the first serious relationship he has had and some will jump in and say he has mom issues, but it is all he can do not to be frustrated and upset by her craziness. I currently stay out of the situation and take time with him when we can but can anyone out there give me advice? We tried breaking up, but I love him. He is a nurturer and kind. Those men are hard to find. I think I was too needy the first time and got counseling and worked on myself. How do those of you with a bf or gf make it work?
I am glad that he found out about the diagnosis of Asperger’s. Many people live productive lives with Aspergers. He sounds very loving.
I’m sure his life with his mom is quite stressful and a challenge. You sound patient and kind with him. I am glad that you have outside interest.
Has he thought about what he will do if she is unable to live in her home? I think you are smart not to become involved in caregiving. How does he feel about that? Is he understanding of that?
Are you planning to marry or move in together? Will he expect you to become involved in caregiving then? Those are my concerns about your future with him.
Whatever you decide I wish you well. Take care.