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My bf and I are both 54 and his father died 4 years ago, leaving him the caregiver of his mom, 92. We started dating two years ago and there were many ups and downs and break-ups due to the stresses of him having to work all day, then care for mom 3.5 hours a night. It was always the same fight and I was very needy, wanting him to spend lots of time with me. In the end we broke up. Six months later we got in contact because we really love each other very much. He is very shy and has a form of Asperger's which I learned about after the breakup. He is an amazing man who had not dated much and I had been divorced many years. I know he is worth it but is under huge obligations to mom, who is getting worse. His mom is not easy to handle and I worry but realize that in the past I gave too many opinions and want to support him and be there. At this time we can only see each other once or twice a week whereas at one point we lived together. I have activities and grown children who I talk with a lot and a job. I think it is tough because it is hard for him to not be exhausted therefore I try to stay upbeat to make his life easier. I have worked in elder care and know his stress is unreal, but it is hard because I miss him and we live right down the street from each other. I want to give him space to have a break when he is not with her. I have never met anyone like him. I am the first serious relationship he has had and some will jump in and say he has mom issues, but it is all he can do not to be frustrated and upset by her craziness. I currently stay out of the situation and take time with him when we can but can anyone out there give me advice? We tried breaking up, but I love him. He is a nurturer and kind. Those men are hard to find. I think I was too needy the first time and got counseling and worked on myself. How do those of you with a bf or gf make it work?

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Ultimately, only you can decide what is best. You don’t need us to tell you how complicated and difficult this situation is.

I am glad that he found out about the diagnosis of Asperger’s. Many people live productive lives with Aspergers. He sounds very loving.

I’m sure his life with his mom is quite stressful and a challenge. You sound patient and kind with him. I am glad that you have outside interest.

Has he thought about what he will do if she is unable to live in her home? I think you are smart not to become involved in caregiving. How does he feel about that? Is he understanding of that?

Are you planning to marry or move in together? Will he expect you to become involved in caregiving then? Those are my concerns about your future with him.

Whatever you decide I wish you well. Take care.
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You have your answer is He is committed to her until she passes. It could be a long time before that happens to By that time your feelings for him could change.
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If his mother has no money, has he looked into applying for Medicaid (long term care) for NH admission?
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Do you know if there is some kind of financial reason that your boyfriend is steadfast in his mom staying in the home? Could he have her placed in NH, if it was necessary? Is it necessary? I think that I would consider why he has taken this position. How is he paying for the outside help to come in? Is he planning on using the home for himself and his family after his mother passes away? There are a lot of things to consider. I might think of what the future looks like with him or without him. The heart wants what the heart wants, but, the practical aspects can also be important to examine.
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stargal Feb 2020
His mother is determined to stay in her family home-small and she is a hoarder. She becomes combative with staff at the hospital. He has his own place and has a life alert so she can be on her own with staff checking in, but I do not think it is a great situation and the other family members (who don't visit) are stopping by because he wants her in a safe situation. I do think money is an issue as well as his total desire to take care of her as a promise to his dad who passed on. He says the obligations make it hard but that he loves me. I am pretty impatient and am trying to deal with it in ways to support him. It is hard because other men do ask me out and I want him but question if he will commit in the future?
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Your situation seems somewhat unique due to diagnosis of your BF which may mean he is somewhat obsessively attached to what is part of his life he feels obligated to do. That along with work is not going to leave him time, energy or the wherewithall to be much "there" for you and for the relationship you both have. Other than that, the description of your time together, and your time apart seems as though it is, in a sense working. While Mom is alive this won't be perfect, and in fact you nailed it--it will get worse. And due to his diagnosis he may never recognize that his mother should honest be in care for both is and her own sake. Wishing you good luck. Think you already have a lot of insight. You will either find this "enough" for you, or you will not.
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stargal Feb 2020
It is getting worse! Our time together is harder to come by and I wonder if she is in the nursing home if he will still feel obligated to always be over there. She guilts him out quite a bit. He does have the routine orientation with the Asperger's couple with his father's dying wish that he be there for his mom. I admire his dedication and agree mom should be somewhere safe. His sisters do not help but are coming through town because the mom has had more difficulties and he does think she would be safer in a NH. I am just not sure they have the money to put her there or if she could cope.
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