My boyfriend wants me to put him first above my elderly parents whom I live with and help care for. Is he being unreasonable?
My boyfriend and I have been together for more than three years. We do love each other and would like to get married one day and share our future together. He is divorced and has adult children who do not live with him. I am a single mom to a 12 year old girl, I have never been married and her father has never been in her life. We both have been living with my elderly parents in their home since she was born, at the time my parents were healthier and able to live independently for the most part. I also work full time and have some of my own health issues. My father now almost 90 and my mom a bit younger but has many serious health problems as well as mobility problems. She can not climb stairs and cannot walk without her walker. They have their beds set up in the living room. My father still does drive but very little. I help them as much as I can as well as help maintain the home inside and out. They have personal care workers that come a few times a week to help with showers and some light duties. My father has someone for snow removal and cutting grass. But I know that personal help they get from outside the home would not be nearly enough to sustain them living on their own. Since I’ve had my daughter up until almost four years ago, I focused strictly on my daughter, my job, my parents and the home. Although I was exhausted all of the time, I have no regret. But it does get lonely. So I met this man a little over three years ago, and I do want a future with him. But I don’t know how to pick up and have my own life? I know my parents need me, they wouldn’t be able to live in their home on their own. And then there is my daughter to consider, she grew up with my parents from birth, they are her home. And they are extremely attached to her as well. So it’s not only the physical care but the emotional devastation that would cause to my daughter and my parents, especially my father. I really feel stuck. I want my own life but not at the expense of my family. Of course my boyfriend knew the situation from the beginning, and he accepted it. We talked about him moving in to my parents house as well, until the time is right and we can have our own home. Ideally I would live very close to them so that I could check in with them daily. I know that this isn’t an easy thing for him to deal with either, he has no ties so he just wants me to leave and get an apartment with him, he doesn’t address how we will care for my parents, he just says I have two other siblings and they can worry about it. One of my siblings lives in another province and the other is married with two small children with their own home. I just feel it’s very selfish of him to just expect me to abandon them without a care or a plan. In fact he talks about living in areas that are quite far from my parents, not to mention my daughters life would be completely uprooted, taken out of the home she’s always known, different school, new friends and at a very delicate age as well. I’m so torn, I feel guilty if I move, I feel guilty if I don’t move, but mostly I feel angry at the way he wants to go about it. Without a care about how this will impact my family members that do need me. I really don’t know what to do. I’m chronically depressed.
He’s pushing me to move out with him, he says I need to grow up! He’s acting as if I’m 25 living at home while my parents cater to me. I’m a middle aged woman working full time, raising my daughter on my own, while taking care of my elderly parents...house and home. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place I guess. I really don’t know what to do. I feel stuck. And I just wanted to mention as well that he has brought up wanting to get married about a year into the relationship, yet he has not proposed. I mentioned this to him and he said he will never propose until we live together first. Am I supposed to create chaos in my family just so he can test drive me? But no real commitment?
46 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Thanksgiving; HOW do you all manage relatives descending?
- Caring for my mom at home, now my Fiancée wants to move out. What do I do to save my relationship?
- How do I tell my father who has broken up my relationship to back off with his negativity and judging?
- How can I handle my 65 years old mum's behaviour?
Chuck loved my daughter, and personally vowed to take us BOTH on, together, as a package deal. The first outing he took DD on was to a CD store. He told her she had unlimited time in the store to browse, and that she could choose any 5 CDs she wanted. It wasn't the CDs that shocked her........it was the offer to spend AS MUCH TIME as she wanted shopping around. Her father never had any time for her at all. His answer to being a father was writing a check. She wasn't used to someone like Chuck.
That was the beginning of THE most beautiful relationship I've ever had the pleasure to witness develop.
She & Erin had no other choice but to ditch their plan to get rid of him!
Chuck has turned into the father her biological father was incapable of being. She's now 28 years old and an RN in a COVID-19 unit in a downtown hospital. She first decided she wanted to be a hairdresser. Chuck was there for her every step of the way; he never told her Oh No Don't Be a Hairdresser. He supported her, whatever she did or did not do. She calls HIM first when she has an issue, then me. Which sometimes irritates me.......LOL. That's the special bond the two of them have. Why? Because he made it his mission to make her his 4th daughter; he has 3 biological daughters, and mine makes 4.
When we met, my parents were living in Florida. We got married in 2009; in 2011, Dad had to stop driving and we moved them here to Colorado (I am an only child). Chuck helped me find them an Independent Living apartment, get them moved in and unpacked, and set up in their new place. He called them Mom & Dad from the get go, and loved them as his own, since he lost his own parents a decade earlier.
Dad passed away in 2015 and my mother is still alive, at 93, living in a Memory Care Assisted Living. She is difficult as the day is long. There are times when I can't deal with her BS, so Chuck calls her on the phone to chat. She loves him and she's always happy to hear from him. Me she treats like crapola............but he's another story. He's always kind and loving and compassionate. He's moved her 4x; from one apartment and ALF to another, with no complaining, no moaning and carrying on, and no payback expected from me.
Chuck earned his way into my family with love, kindness and the utmost of respect for ALL of us. It wasn't always fun or convenient for him, God knows, and I'm sure there are times he'd like to sit down and cry for what my mother puts us through. But he plugs along, for my sake, because he loves me.
Chuck is the type of man YOU need in YOUR life, my dear woman. I waited a long time for God to put him into my life, but He did. And I snapped him up because I recognized what a true gift he was and still is. The day I met him I KNEW. I went into the bathroom at the restaurant where the party was being held, and I sat on the toilet & prayed. I said, "God I know You sent me this man to marry, and I thank You. Now let HIM recognize it too!"
And the rest is history. Say goodbye to your Mr. Wrong and wait for Mr. Right. He's out there somewhere. You just haven't found him yet. You and your daughter and your parents deserve to find him, because you're worth it.
He's not selfish to want what he wants, and he's not selfish to say what it is, but he is completely selfish and wrong to put pressure on you to the extent of trying to make YOU feel that YOU'RE in the wrong. You are fulfilling several commitments - he may be one, but he's the newest - and you're not finished yet.
It's also an absolutely terrible time (age 12) to think about a radical change in your daughter's family circle. Seriously, don't do it.
You could make gradual changes over the next five to ten years. If that's too slow for him, he needs someone a little older who isn't still so needed by her family, that's all :)
I’ve been harbouring so much of this for so long, it’s hard to talk to family because of the repercussions that would follow. Although I have confided in a couple of close friends who have been very supportive, it really does help to also get some unbiased insight and feedback. And I truly am grateful for all of this support. I wanted to give a little bit more background as I know some of you have asked some questions. There are huge age gaps in my family. My father will be 89 this year and my mother is 13 years younger than him. I am 52, and am the middle child of three siblings, the oldest is 6 years older than me and the youngest is ten years younger. I had my daughter at the ripe age of 39.
My daughter has reached out to her father about three years ago with my help but he wasn’t interested. It was quite painful but we have leaned to accept it and move forward. I’ve told her everything she needed to know in the most positive way possible. She has always been a happy, energetic and social girl. Going through puberty now though, she is very sensitive and moody. She is my life and my first priority. Being a shy introvert myself, I used to say that she is raising me, everywhere we went together, I would have to speak to people I dint know, and I started overcoming my shyness because of her. I really did hope that this man in my life that I really did love and care for could have added to our family. The truth is, and many of you were so right on this with only a tidbit of information, and that is that he doesn’t have any patience for my daughter, he acts as if my raising is done. In the past we argued a lot because he would say that kids don’t need vacations, they don’t need this or that. We only did less than a hand full of outings with her in three years. And I had to beg him. And they weren’t fun because at some point he lost his temper, either because he couldn’t find parking, driving, too many people etc. Since getting back together after a recent break up, he has promised to be more involved in my daughter’s life, along with so many other promises that have yet to happen. Any little thing that he has done for me or my family has been thrown in my face at every chance.
No one is perfect, I understand that, I’m far from it myself. I don’t want perfect, just someone who actually loves and cares.
He has just recently told me that I expect him to do everything while I do nothing. That he has to make all the compromises to be together. He lives in a rented apartment on his own. His children are independent and in fact have never lived with him since his divorce about 15 years ago. He resents that our decisions must revolve around my daughter and my parents. When I tell him that I don’t feel like he and I are a team, he says we can’t be a team because I live with my parents, we can only be a team when we are on our own. When I question the way he treats me, for example, never takes me out or does anything special for my birthday, valentines etc, he says he can’t be that person while I live with my parents and that I am delusional for thinking I am entitled to any of those things. He said he can’t be the man I want him to be because I can’t and won’t be the woman I should be because I won’t move out to be with him. I know I must sound extremely pathetic by now, but the truth is when he first came into my life, he was a completely different person. I fell in love with the person I thought he was, with the idea that it wasn’t too late to have love and companionship, a father figure in my daughters life. But all of you have confirmed what my gut has been telling me, what logic has been telling me. I will not be moving anywhere with him. Thank you all for helping me see that.
Muster up your self esteem and bid him farewell.
Yes, your BOY friend is selfish. He knows your situation going in, yet he's looking to just pluck you out of the current living situation and plop you down someplace that is ideal and convenient for him only regardless of the damage it will cause you, your parents and your daughter. And he doesn't even want to make a commitment. That's not a man, that's a selfish overgrown boy.
You said you love him. What exactly do you love about his characters? Does he possess kindness and good morals?
Putting your parents' care aside for a moment, just considering the interest of your daughter only, having a step dad like your boyfriend at the pre-teen age going into the rebellious teenage years is going to be very difficult for everyone, you, him, and specially your daughter. The way you describes him, I would guess once you two get married, he'll demand all of your attention and will look at your daughter as an inconvenience and a burden. There will be a lot of problems.
As for your parents' care, it is going to get harder and harder for you to shoulder all of their care. What is your/their plan when you can't take care of them anymore? With or without your boyfriend, you still need to consider this, because otherwise, you will never have a life of your own. Whatever your plan is, you should take steps towards making it happen NOW. Otherwise, your life will be consumed by your parents' care.
After you have done that, and you can have time to do things for yourself, then you can start looking for a real man, a better man to build your life with.
As for the current boyfriend, I think it's best you dump him as you're just wasting time. Best you use that time to get your parents' affair in order.
How about: The difference between living together and being married is like the difference between renting and owning. Not that being married means one person "owns" another but it is referring to commitment. Does anyone treat a rental car or rented apartment the same as a car they have bought and paid for? Does anyone invest in improving an apartment they don't own? Nope.
Phoenix, there are 2 issues going on for you: #1 is that you must have a conversation with your parents that you are willing to help manage their care, but not take it on entirely. They are grown-ups and can surely understand this. You will be consumed by their care if you put it all on your shoulders. Just because they want that arrangement doesn't mean they should have it. Read the posts in this forum on Caregiver Burnout.
Then, once you get that clarified in your mind and theirs and have a plan for that, then you can give full attention to your boyfriend. I'm opposed to living together for many reasons, but from a secular standpoint there are ample studies that show it makes NO positive impact on the divorce rate for those who go on the marry. He either loves what he sees in you now, enough to commit, or he should move on. It doesn't matter that he is now gun-shy from a prior divorce. If you have a car accident do you avoid driving? No. Also he doesn't seem to have much compassion for your situation and how much stress he's adding to your life. Not a good sign.
Also, you have a daughter and until you're married, she is priority (after you -- you are #1) and then your parents are third, then the BF. If he doesn't like that arrangement he can move along. Remember that you are modeling the kind of priorities and relationships to your daughter. Don't teach her to be a doormat. I wish you all the best, I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you make some very important decisions!
I have told people who say "why bother with marriage, it's just a piece of paper" - so is the title to your car and the deed to your house. They are also just pieces of paper, but they are pieces of paper that afford you certain legal rights and protections.
I'm sorry but I find him repulsive, what kind of male says, " let's have a trial run" with a 12 year old girl involved. He wants to show her that women are not valued enough to commit to until you see if they do it well enough to suit you. That just makes me angry.
Your parents were there for you and your daughter when you needed them most. I think that you would not be happy with your life if you let a grown boy make you decide to walk away from them at this point.
Don't get me wrong, I think that you deserve a life and that walking away is always an option, but not because some male wants to play house and dump your responsibilities because they don't suit him.
Under no circumstances should you have him move in to your parents home. He sounds selfish enough to make everyone miserable if he is unhappy.
One thing that I taught the young ladies of my family, if it is true love it will keep until all parties are able to fully commit. If not, it will just dwindle away when it is not getting it's own way. Never sacrifice your heart or beliefs to accommodate someone that professes to love you, love will never ask you to sell yourself that way. He is asking you to forget everything that you believe and care about, I wouldn't call him marriage material.
Your daughter needs stability and committed people in her life, 12 is a very challenging age and she could be damaged by wrong choices made for her. Please don't take everything she knows away from her for a booty call boy.
I understand that it’s hard to think about after being together for so long, and I was the same. I stayed with my boyfriend for over two years without a commitment, which he refused. I’m so glad I left him, and my ONLY regret is that i didn’t dump him sooner! It is a bit lonely at first, but my real friends and family helped me through. There are lots of online free meetup groups, and millions of eligible bachelors who will treat you like a Queen, or at least better than your knucklehead “boyfriend”. If you feel worse about yourself when you’re with him, that’s your own intuition speaking to you!! Please give him a cheeseburger and a roadmap. Dump this bad boyfriend! If you’re lonely and don’t have anyone to talk to, please message me and I will talk to you!
Hugs!
Gretchen
🤗🤗
Since you know this man better than we do, it's time to ask yourself some very difficult questions. Is his attitude really just about you providing care to your parents? Or is it something deeper than that? Is he the sort of person who expects his wife to put everyone/everything else on the back burner to cater to his needs? Has he ever told you the reasons for his divorce? He has said to you he would "never" marry you until you live together first. Is this really someone you want to marry? That sounds an awful lot like an ultimatum; and I don't think that's a good way to enter a marriage. And supposing you do as he asks...leave your parents, uproot your daughter, move in with him, then what? Do you honestly believe he will honor his words and propose? How long does he think he needs a trial run before he's willing to commit? 1 month? 1 year? 5 years?
How old were his children when he divorced their mother? Was he an active part of their lives, or was he just a dad of "convenience" - ie. he would dart into their life when it suited him? Is he willing to allow you to put your daughter's needs ahead of his? I know a lot of married men who come to a point where they resent the time their wives spend with their own kids - do you think he will have patience with yours?
These are questions you would need to answer regardless of your parents needing your care.
I agree with the answers that encourage you to speak with a counselor. There are issues you will need to deal with regardless of your decision about this man...mainly how are you going to handle caretaking as your parents get more and more dependent. You have a right to have a life that is not entirely about taking care of others rather than yourself - the question you have to really ponder is if this man is going to be a part of that life. Is he really looking for a partner with whom to share his life or is he just looking for someone who has caregiving so deeply ingrained into her that she won't mind trading taking care of her parents and child for taking care of her partner.
Good luck in making your decision! I wish you well.
Pheonix - you are very smart to have second thought about his guy and to have posted your question here to ask for input. Please get rid of him. And don't let him back in no matter what he says.
Here's a few things about abusive and controlling people I found online. See how many of these characteristics match your boyfriend.
"What Is Controlling Behavior? Controlling behavior is when one person expects, compels, or requires others to cater to their own needs — even at others' expense. The controlling person targets an individual and dominates them in an unhealthy, self-serving manner."
"12 Traits of an Abuser:
1. Charming.
Initially, he showers his woman with praise, adoration, and attention. His courtship is sweet and intense filled with phrases such as, “I can’t live without you.” He quickly pushes for an exclusive relationship or engagement.
2. Jealous.
He views other men as a threat to the relationship and accuses you of flirting with everyone from his brother to the mailman. “I know you are looking at him.” The irony is that he often is the one who is cheating.
3. Manipulative.
This man is very intelligent. He knows how to detect your weak spots, and he uses your vulnerability and past pain to his advantage. “You were abused as a kid because you are so ugly.”
4. Controlling.
He wants to know where you are going and who you are with at all times. He may check the mileage on your car or follow you to the grocery store. He often refuses to allow you to work because you might “meet someone.”
5. A Victim.
His poor choices are everyone else’s fault. When he loses his job, gets into a fight, or a business deal falls through, it’s always because of the other person. He is never at fault. “You make me hit you.”
6. Narcissistic.
The whole world revolves around him. As the “little woman who is beneath him,” it is your job to meet his every need. He is the master; you are the unworthy slave. It’s invigorating for him to know that everyone around him “walks on eggshells.”
7. Inconsistent.
Mood swings are a common trait for an abuser. One minute he seems happy and sweet, the next he is pounding his fist.
8. Critical.
No matter how hard you try you will never be able to satisfy this kind of man. He thinks nothing of degrading and verbally assaulting you. “You are a stupid, fat, disgusting tramp. You can never leave me. No other man would have you.”
9. Disconnected.
His main goal is to isolate his victim from family and friends so that you are totally dependant on him. “Your family causes too much trouble for us. I don’t want you seeing them anymore.”
10. Hypersensitive.
The slightest offense sends him ranting. Everyone is out to “get him.”
11. Vicious and cruel.
A significant number of abusers harm children and animals as well as a partner. Inflicting pain and intimidating others is what gives him power. “I’ll kill you before I’ll let you go. If I can’t have you, no one will.”
12. Insincerely repentant.
He will swear to never “hit you again.” But unless he receives professional help and strong accountability it’s very unlikely that he will change.
If this article has helped you to realize that you or a loved one is in an abusive relationship, please find a church, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or locate a safe house in your community. They can help."