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My brother takes care of the financial needs for her. But he does not visit her. I'm angry and I hurt for my mom. Talking to him turns into an intense argument. Anyone else have this issue?
My brothers are good guys but they didn't visit. One lives 8 hrs away and drives for a living so I can see why he didn't get home regularly. When he did out of two full days, he saw Mom once. Telling my husband he couldn't stand seeing her that way. My other brother just chose to visit a couple of times a year and he lived 30 min. away. My Mom deserved more out of her boys the problem is she never expected them to do. So, let brother deal with it the way he wants. He may reqret it but he will have to live with it, not you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to listen to someone say “OH, it just HURTS me SO MUCH to see Mom (Aunt Terry, Grandpa, etcetcetcetcetc) like this I just can’t BEAR TO VISIT”. Call me goofy, but I’d rather hear the same thing 50 times if it isn’t “PLEASE TAKE ME HOME” or “Why am I here?”.
Hello, I am new here but saw your post and can relate to what you are experiencing.
I have 2 siblings that never help our mother with anything. Worse than that, they rarely, if ever, call her, visit her or write to her. My spectacular siblings live in the same city as our 86 yr old mom and still do nothing!! I live in another state (12 hrs drive) and visit my mom a couple times a year. I fly her down to my house 2x a year for 2 weeks during Christmas and any other holiday or event of her choice.
I don't understand how they can ignore her completely. I will admit she can be a handful but she still doesn't deserve this. She says they check in once in awhile but I think she has to say that to live with the pain. I have been here for 3 weeks now trying to help her find a new car and I haven't heard them check on her once.
I wish I had some words of wisdom but I do not. I myself struggle to understand how ppl can completely cut their loved ones out of their lives. To me there is a comfort in knowing you are not the only one who is going through this and to know all of us share that pain. For me, I also resent it. I want them to carry some of the burden and I want them to act like they are part of a family and that they do care. But I know I cant make anyone feel anything and I cant make them do what I want.
What I can do is make a support system for myself through sites like this. Possibly gain experience, strength and hope from others out there willing to share. So I read what others say and I share a little too and through that I find that little piece of hope and comfort.
I wish you well and have an awesome weekend Lavenderblu
The simple fact is, your brother has to live with himself. If he doesn’t want to visit his mother, you can’t force him. If you know it’s a sore subject, don’t bring it up with him. You can’t guilt him into visiting her. Is it ok that he doesn’t visit? No. It stinks. For him and for her. If he has an email, send him monthly updates on Mom. If he doesn’t read them or respond, well, you’ve done your part.
My brother is the same way it bothers him to see mom this way. So he doesn't visit. As if it doesn't bother me or any one else seeing a loved one decline. You cannot force some one to become involved . They have to live with themselves. My heart goes out to you.
It may be too painful for your brother to see his mom fading away and he lacks the character to override his discomfort.
Sometimes the parent was abusive or wildly unfair to the child over their lifetime and the child stays away to protect themselves.
My mother has narcissitic personality disorder and makes herself out to be an angel and victim when she is not. Her friends and doctor wonder why her kids are not around; if only they knew the truth.
Without spelling out my situation, I can share my thoughts. I love my siblings as much as I love my mom and I tell myself “My siblings relationship with their mother is on them. It’s their business. They must have their reasons.” So if the goal is to keep mom happy then arrange for friends, family, church shut in list etc to make visits. Host a family dinner once a month to get a together. Don’t focus on what they don’t do. It is not your (my) place to judge. Just to love and appreciate
Yes, I have had this issue. Painfully, I have learned that unless you absolutely know everything there is to know about another person’s motivations, it is prudent to just carry on, as best you can, with fulfilling YOUR need to be there (or not) for your parent.
Once my sister was diagnosed with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis (on top of quite a few other health issues and an abusive home life), I backed off of presuming she was shirking filial duty. Sadly, I still get peeved at her for not returning important calls or answering emails. I always find out later that she is in excruciating pain or ER, and simply can’t deal with her life, leave alone our 97-year-old father’s.
I manage Dad’s life and finances. Yesterday I charted near-daily points of contact for me (12) which I regularly make on Dad’s behalf. I am go-between for 7 caregivers (two agencies), each with personality and turf issues. I manage Dad’s old, sad broken home. I have lymphoma, my husband, 86, is disabled with various conditions, and I simply am tired and don’t want to leave our home.
When I have traveled to Dad’s (before hospice), the wear and tear on me was tremendous (350 miles round trip). Not only is my life and husband’s life disrupted, but I firmly believe my father’s peaceful day-to-day existence is disrupted. It was during my last visit that he fell and had to endure a rehab placement, which caused an notable decline in his dementia, physical strength, and then hospice qualification. Nobody asked me how I was doing as I trudged through a half dozen facilities and scrambled for legal and medical advice for him. My husband was worried sick about me. You have to push to get help for a loved one (at your expense), or they will unwittingly and helplessly eat you alive.
Any outsider or sibling who doesn’t know me intimately, could reasonably project that I am uncaring.
I get nauseous and physically ill when I even think of visiting him. Because of his advancing dementia, it is impossible to Skype or talk by phone. My therapist and friends support my not doing so. Do I love my father? Yes. Do I look like I do? No. It is my issue to live with that -- how I wish things were different.
I don’t believe my presence matters much to him now. Yes, there would be a quick spark in his eye and smiles. But I am burnt out having done that, at my expense, since 1996. Sis secretly probably wonders why I can’t visit him. She can’t have a clue what I’ve been doing for nearly two decades. And I don’t want her to.
Hello, I had the same issue with my sister. She would call once a week and talk for maybe 15 minutes and I did everything for my mom. My mother just recently passed and I’m not talking to my sister as I am hurt with what she did. One thing I keep reminding myself is that I did the best I could for her and she lived a good life because of me and I am able to sleep at night with no regrets. Try and not let it bother you, believe me I know it’s hard, and enjoy spending time with your mom. Don’t let the negative feelings towards your brother take over.
My brother is the same or even worse, because he just forget about her, when I said nasty words to him (how could I not if he did not come to visit her in a hospital where she was for 14 days)...Now she is in NH, I am coming every day, fortunately she is asking very rarely about him, otherwise I would say something nasty.... She was living with me 15 years, last three were a hell because of her dementia, we did not have any vacations, anything, while he was traveling all over the world. And its me, not him, who is crying every day after visiting her in that LTC facility as its not the best (where they are the best ones?) ....I wish I could follow your advice and "keep reminding myself is that I did the best I could for her and she lived a good life because of me and I am able to sleep at night with no regrets...." But I am not yet there, for now its guilt all over me...
Have you asked why he is not interested in visiting her.
Typically, with the people I work with, when this happens, the parent has been abusive.
A parent can target only ONE CHILD FOR ABUSE, while showering affection on others. This will understandably cause resentment.
If your mother was not abusive and your brother does not visit your mother, why is he taking care of the finances.?
If your mother is and has been a good mother to you, and you can handle the financial issues for her, take her to an elder care attorney and have her turn over the care of her financial needs to you?
It could be that your brother needs to work a lot, and does not have time to visit, and he feels that taking care of her finances is enough of a contribution.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Call me goofy, but I’d rather hear the same thing 50 times if it isn’t “PLEASE TAKE ME HOME” or “Why am I here?”.
I am new here but saw your post and can relate to what you are experiencing.
I have 2 siblings that never help our mother with anything. Worse than that, they rarely, if ever, call her, visit her or write to her. My spectacular siblings live in the same city as our 86 yr old mom and still do nothing!! I live in another state (12 hrs drive) and visit my mom a couple times a year. I fly her down to my house 2x a year for 2 weeks during Christmas and any other holiday or event of her choice.
I don't understand how they can ignore her completely. I will admit she can be a handful but she still doesn't deserve this. She says they check in once in awhile but I think she has to say that to live with the pain. I have been here for 3 weeks now trying to help her find a new car and I haven't heard them check on her once.
I wish I had some words of wisdom but I do not. I myself struggle to understand how ppl can completely cut their loved ones out of their lives. To me there is a comfort in knowing you are not the only one who is going through this and to know all of us share that pain. For me, I also resent it. I want them to carry some of the burden and I want them to act like they are part of a family and that they do care. But I know I cant make anyone feel anything and I cant make them do what I want.
What I can do is make a support system for myself through sites like this. Possibly gain experience, strength and hope from others out there willing to share. So I read what others say and I share a little too and through that I find that little piece of hope and comfort.
I wish you well and have an awesome weekend
Lavenderblu
Sometimes the parent was abusive or wildly unfair to the child over their lifetime and the child stays away to protect themselves.
My mother has narcissitic personality disorder and makes herself out to be an angel and victim when she is not. Her friends and doctor wonder why her kids are not around; if only they knew the truth.
Sometimes, though, the kids are just ingrates.
love and appreciate
Once my sister was diagnosed with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis (on top of quite a few other health issues and an abusive home life), I backed off of presuming she was shirking filial duty. Sadly, I still get peeved at her for not returning important calls or answering emails. I always find out later that she is in excruciating pain or ER, and simply can’t deal with her life, leave alone our 97-year-old father’s.
I manage Dad’s life and finances. Yesterday I charted near-daily points of contact for me (12) which I regularly make on Dad’s behalf. I am go-between for 7 caregivers (two agencies), each with personality and turf issues. I manage Dad’s old, sad broken home. I have lymphoma, my husband, 86, is disabled with various conditions, and I simply am tired and don’t want to leave our home.
When I have traveled to Dad’s (before hospice), the wear and tear on me was tremendous (350 miles round trip). Not only is my life and husband’s life disrupted, but I firmly believe my father’s peaceful day-to-day existence is disrupted. It was during my last visit that he fell and had to endure a rehab placement, which caused an notable decline in his dementia, physical strength, and then hospice qualification. Nobody asked me how I was doing as I trudged through a half dozen facilities and scrambled for legal and medical advice for him. My husband was worried sick about me. You have to push to get help for a loved one (at your expense), or they will unwittingly and helplessly eat you alive.
Any outsider or sibling who doesn’t know me intimately, could reasonably project that I am uncaring.
I get nauseous and physically ill when I even think of visiting him. Because of his advancing dementia, it is impossible to Skype or talk by phone. My therapist and friends support my not doing so. Do I love my father? Yes. Do I look like I do? No. It is my issue to live with that -- how I wish things were different.
I don’t believe my presence matters much to him now. Yes, there would be a quick spark in his eye and smiles. But I am burnt out having done that, at my expense, since 1996. Sis secretly probably wonders why I can’t visit him. She can’t have a clue what I’ve been doing for nearly two decades. And I don’t want her to.
She was living with me 15 years, last three were a hell because of her dementia, we did not have any vacations, anything, while he was traveling all over the world. And its me, not him, who is crying every day after visiting her in that LTC facility as its not the best (where they are the best ones?) ....I wish I could follow your advice and "keep reminding myself is that I did the best I could for her and she lived a good life because of me and I am able to sleep at night with no regrets...." But I am not yet there, for now its guilt all over me...
Have you asked why he is not interested in visiting her.
Typically, with the people I work with, when this happens, the parent has been abusive.
A parent can target only ONE CHILD FOR ABUSE, while showering affection on others. This will understandably cause resentment.
If your mother was not abusive and your brother does not visit your mother, why is he taking care of the finances.?
If your mother is and has been a good mother to you, and you can handle the financial issues for her, take her to an elder care attorney and have her turn over the care of her financial needs to you?
It could be that your brother needs to work a lot, and does not have time to visit, and he feels that taking care of her finances is enough of a contribution.
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