My mother died in 2016. For years, my brother had promised her that when she passed, he would scatter her ashes from his little plane, over places she had selected.
Now, over 5 years later, I still have her ashes at my house. My brother refuses to talk to me, doesn't respond to my emails, etc. I don't mind being cut off; I think it's sad, because we were very close as children, but I'm far more interested in making sure our mother's wishes are carried out.
Right now, I think my only option is contacting his neighbors (who are very fond of him), and asking them to tell him that he needs to get the ashes and scatter them as he promised. I don't like involving other people, but I have no other way to contact him.
Any advice would be welcome.
And for heaven's sake, leave the neighbors out of it.
It would be quite intrusive to involve your brother's innocent neighbors in this, though. This is a private, family matter.
However, on the off chance it IS real, I'll use my opinion to tell you I think is despicable to draw other innocent victims into a fight that is one's own. Your fight with your brother may be sad, but bringing your deceased Mom into it in this manner to my mind is reprehensible.
Apparently you know where your brother lives well enough to know his neighbors? I can't imagine it would be then difficult to find out his own address. Do that and send a note that you will mail the ashes to him, but if he doesn't respond, or your mail returns, in 6 months you will yourself fulfill your Mom's wishes. Or HEY, how about just DOING that. With LOVE. With joy. In beauty.
Given you are a new poster, and THIS is what you bring to us, I cannot help but be convinced you're just trolling about. The New Year seems full of it. It can be fun, but it gets old quick.
Thomas Lynch, a famous poet and undertaker has an expression. "The dead don't care." And to my mind, they don't. If you are a believer then you must know your mother now has perfect understanding. If you, like me, are an atheist, then you KNOW she doesn't care. So why not leave your mother out of this, and seek counseling of ministry or medical to help your own obvious pain.
I wish you peace. I hope you will leave your brother (and his neighbors) to his own peace.
In any event, your brother is already refusing to speak to you as it is; if you were to try to humiliate him in this way, I can't imagine he'd be inclined to develop any warm feelings for you as a result. Who does such things??? Contacting his neighbor's is certainly NOT your only option in this matter!
You have your mother's ashes at your house; you also know her wishes as to where she'd like them scattered. Do it yourself or realize that the dead do not care about their bodily remains and what is done with them. When in spirit form, what difference does the prior body make?
I'm not sure you're looking for 'advice' as much as extracting your pound of flesh from your brother for him not speaking to you.
**This isn't a 'new account' nor is this the OPs first post. Sushicam has asked/answered 8 other posts on AgingCare in the past.
I guess it does all get filed with you cannot make this up. I just find it so shocking that someone would involve a person's neighbors in this when honestly that can do no one any good.
You are going to have to take responsibility for compassionately disposing of her cremains.
When my ex husband's Uncle died, I was the person who picked up his cremains. No one in the family wanted to take on the responsibility of placing his cremains, but everyone had an opinion. Uncle Alan was in my closet from 2001 until 2015. In 2015 I brought him to one of the divorce mediation sessions and told the mediator that my ex was to take his Uncle home with him. I was no longer going to be held responsible for him.
I have no idea what happened to the cremains, it does not matter to me.
Your mother should not have imposed her request on one (or any) of her children, your brother should not have agreed, you should not feel compelled to expect your brother to do what was asked.
If the decision becomes yours, find a reasonably priced site where you can place the cremains in a niche, or a garden designated for that purpose, or rent the plain yourself.
Figure out what YOU want to do with her ashes. Make a plan and do it. Do not spend a lot of money on it.
Forgive your brother. And yourself. Let it go.
Since a plane is no longer available, why not sprinkle them yourself, at least at one of the spots? I'm sure your mom wouldn't have minded since the spirit of the thing is kept.
It's petty to try to involve his neighbors in your family issues. I think you're more upset about his not communicating with you, than you are about the ashes. Let the thing with the ashes go--handle it yourself--and re-establish a relationship with your brother. I'd bet that if you asked your mom which would be more important to her she'd choose the relationship between you two.
Put mom‘s ashes in the car and go to one of her favorite places, scatter and say goodbye and be done with it. Then put it behind you.
Easy peasy.
take her ashes, to be honest just some. I have my Dads ashes and it is a lot. Scatter them in one or two places that are easily accessible to you and let this go. You need peace
once this is planned out invite your brother to come, he may or may not.
My younger brother asked his wife to spread his ashes at a private country club at a certain hole on the golf course of which he was never a member. Of course, she could never accomplish this.
Instead she took them to a cabin on a lake where they had spent a lot of happy times and spread them there.
Do something similar and let it go.
Your brother cannot make this happen.
No do.not call the neighbors.
If bro won't step up, mom either continues to sit on the shelf in your home, or you carry out her wishes and do it yourself. You might hire a private plane or scatter ashes as close to the areas that she wanted to be.
Perhaps he's not emotionally ready for this undertaking? Did he care for her and didn't receive help? So many questions so not sure why he doesnt carry out your moms wishes. So, guess it's up to you.
You know what’s right…take care of it yourself and end this. Your mother will understand. Everyone will understand.
I guess my point is just do it yourself. Funerals, scattering ashes, are for the living. The dead don't care anymore. Leave your brother and (god forbid) his neighbors alone. Stop the power play and just scatter them yourself.
Hiring a professional in these situations would be very beneficial.
But quite why he can't just tell you that he regrets his rash promises to your late mother and you both need to rethink this thing I don't know. Do you?
Forget about your brother's promise.
The why of his refusal is unimportant.
What is important is you change your focus. Try to make peace with the fact that what was promised will not happen.
You could go to the airfield and hire a pilot that will help you do this. That is if you feel that it is so important that her ashes are scattered in this manner. Personally I would find a place that gave her pleasure, some place where she felt at peace.
Do know that most places have rigid restrictions about scattering ashes and it may not be legal. And land owners permission should be obtained before scattering ashes.
A quick google search I did find this.
Most states do not have laws prohibiting this, but federal law does prohibit dropping any objects that might injure people or harm property. Cremains themselves are not considered hazardous material, but for obvious safety reasons you should remove the ashes from their container before scattering them by air. (I find it amusing that they have to include this last bit!)
Do you know any people who travel? Split ashes and ask them to scatter - your mom can see the world, so to speak.
Do you know anyone in the destinations your mom preferred? Split ashes and mail to them. Ask them to post on social media or send you picture.
Your brother may never have intended to carry out the promise. Perhaps just agreed with mom. Regardless why he hasn't done it, he hasn't. Why he is no longer talking to you is not clarified, but maybe things within the family went south after mom's death. No point in carrying it any further with him.