In early Nov 2022, my father had a sudden and devastating break. We had noticed some cognitive decline since 2020, but Nov 1st took everyone by surprise. Dad began falling, making threats to his partner of 20 years and sundowning. I drove down from an adjoining state to try to help out. By the 4th, I knew I was in way over my head. On the morning of the 5th he completely destroyed his bedroom and then said that someone must have broken in and destroyed his room while he slept. On the recommendation of a cousin that works in mental health, I took dad to a nearby large city’s hospital. He was there a week and four different doctors diagnosed him with vascular dementia. They would only release him to 24/7 care and my brother, who is primary POA, and I had less than 24 hours to find a facility. The hospital case manager got us in contact with a wonderful Senior Advisor company who immediately set up tours of Memory Care facilities for 30 day respite care. Our main criteria was low staff turnover and, honestly, we wanted to see the best places in that large city. On a side note, In 2018, Dad must have realized something because we discovered while going through his files that he had gone down to his hometown VA Home and did all the preliminary paperwork. Anyway,, the second facility we toured we knew was the right place. Aside from the outstanding facility complete with private room, the location was within easy distance to several of my Dad’s own siblings in addition to my brother, my daughter, and a host of other grandchildren and nieces and nephews. After we placed him there on 30 day respite, we went to check out the VA Home in Dad’s home town. I’m sorry to say, but my Dad worked too hard and too long in his life to settle for that particular VA Home. Staff turnover was very concerning and the facility was old and poorly maintained. Dad has no bills, great savings, and a wonderful pension, so my brother and I decided to keep him in the centrally located and superior facility rather than move him. This was all done with the approval of his 20 year partner who is financially independent. She goes to see him regularly despite the distance. Dad never wants for visitors, even though he often forgets who comes, my brother and I can review the sign in sheets for my Dad so we know he’s rarely alone. I come down every few weeks for three or four days and my brother (POA) sees him daily.
So what’s the problem? It’s my Dad’s 73 year old sister. She and Dad were mostly estranged before he became sick because she took financial advantage of their mom in her final years. Never married, unable to support herself, my Aunt’s spent her life guilting money from anyone she can. Two weeks before my fathers big breakdown, she somehow managed to get $1000 from him to fix her teeth. Now she has rallied her siblings, who KNOW how she is, to demand that not only should we pay HER to visit Dad, we should move dad to a cheaper place where, she says he’ll have more freedom and dignity. She’s even got Dad saying some of these things and the staff has mentioned how agitated she makes him. She’s demanded his bank cards, ID, his very nice and paid off car, his keys, “pocket money” for Dad, and that we sell his house and kick his partner out of it. We are astounded that she has brought some of her’s and Dad’s siblings on board with moving Dad to a cheaper place to “save money” and give him “freedom” when he literally can barely walk, can’t remember anyone’s name, and has severe outbursts where he demands to drive and calls people at all hours of the night. My response to the “saving money” comments is, “Who are we saving money for?!”. He’s 91, we’ve had him reevaluated and he is exactly where he needs to be. We are also his heirs, not them, and we’ve made it clear that we’re willing to spend every dime to ensure Dad’s health and wellness., How do we deal with these people??? I’m at such a loss. They’re getting vicious!
I have 2 concerns: dads long term partner & your oldest bro.
-on oldest bro. He was abusive to you & your siblings, right? Where is he in this drama? Siding with Aunt & Uncles? Does he need $? What is his relationship with dad & your dad’s partner?
- on dads partner. She seems is getting the short shift in all this, but she doesn’t have to. I imagine she is herself still adjusting, but she can seek her own legal. Pause to think about this. She is still very much devoted to Dad, visits him regularly. So she’s living in the home they shared, in the town where the witch Sister and all the other siblings are? I don’t know if his State allows for common law marriages - not all do - but if so, they could be considered married common law.
AND
if not there is “punitive” spouse, she could use. Either way means his assets are within her power to determine use of. 20 years is a long time. A good attorney can do this for her. You want her as an ally, & if that means brother as POA does a usufruct type of document that allows her to stay in that house & dad banking pays property costs till she decides to move out, to keep her happy, y’all do that & asap.
Believe me, if she was my Auntie, I’d shut down that Sister but she’s kinda a noisy side show, I’d be more about you & your POA brother. Why? I’d do whatever I’d need to to ensure my Auntie was beyond secure financially in her dotage & that means not just her own “financially independent” money as you described her. I’d hire a divorce atty to represent her for either common law or punitive spouse and for more than 50% as your fathers derangement caused emotional stress. There’s a nice paper trail on all this and for decades. If it were me, I’d want a settlement or a sale & it’s split for my Aunt and bill for management costs to keep y’all from foot dragging (dads 91 we don’t want this going into probate court). Your bro is only a POA (not a legal Guardian) so dad can be asked to show up in court or get deposition done; it will not be pretty. Lots of things disclosed you perhaps were rather not….
Be gracious & generous to her as she may be the last link to Dad that still connects as he disappears into dementia. Realize she may have family or friends who have never liked your dad, your 73 yr old Aunt or the rest of your family and this is an opportunity to even out things.
Shut her down completely, then ask the siblings who wants to be next. I'll bet they back off immediately.
Be firm with everyone regarding access to Dad. "You step out of line and upset him (or us), you're out."
The POA has a FIDUCIARY responsibility to protect Dad. These people are to go on the blocked list at the facility after gathering proof and statements of what you say.
Then a LAWYER LETTER is written to them informing them informing them they cannot visit due to reports of their causing extreme agitation for your father. They are informed in this letter to choose ONE PERSON to whom weekly reports on Dad will be given by email (this gives you a trail of proof). That person may (or need not) reach out to others on the list.
After that there is ZERO communication except through the attorney.
Your Dad can afford this protection; your Dad DESERVES this protection. And this in turn protects you and yours. Do not argue, do no discuss, and in fact do not communicate with these people whatsoever.
I am sorry your father had to go through this. Protect him.
Then you should block these people on social media and on your phone so they have no way to contact you!
Disgusting what "Loved Ones" will do for MONEY! 😑
My brother has not blocked anyone from contacting him, but has expressly forbid them from contacting his wife like a couple of them have done. They also do not contact my other brother or the one that has remained uninvolved in Dad’s care. See, outright contacting my DPOA brother is evidently not subversive enough for them and since they’ve gotten no where with me, they just rage amongst themselves and lay mines on social media and in Dad’s mind for us to deal with through inquiries from people they haven’t blocked and Dad’s agitation.
It definitely is all about money. Every single contact is about money. Dad’s money. Money they were always happy to “borrow” from him, but can’t stand seeing being used for his care and his partner’s housing.
1) The most important people to keep on side are your POA brother and F’s long term partner. Put your energy into making sure that they don’t get caught up in the nastiness. Tell them what’s going on, and suggest that they keep away from the nasties. And ask them to keep a note of what they hear from her, or from others about her words and actions.
2) Ask nasty aunt to put her concerns in writing. You will take them to F’s doctors. Until she provides this in writing to be considered appropriately by the doctors, she is not to visit F and upset him verbally. You will let everyone relevant know if she refuses to put them in writing. And it’s another reason to put her on the banned list for visits. It shows that she is just causing trouble without being willing for it to be considered properly.
3) Get a copy of F’s will, photocopy it, then cut the photocopy to show only his bequests. Then photocopy that section again. Let her see that she has nothing to gain herself. Perhaps just show her that section, don’t leave it with her. Certainly don’t leave a copy of the whole will – it makes it too easy for her to fudge up another one and take it in for signature.
4) Instead of a banned list, consider saying that she can only visit in company with someone else in the family. That reduces her comments to F, and provides evidence of the problems she causes if she complains. If she takes in anything for F to sign, she is immediately banned.
5) Think of anything nice you can do for long term partner. A phone call after ever visit you make? A card? I have done well with blank cards, purchased addressed and stamped in advance so that it’s easy to write a quick note and slip them in the post – even on the way out of the facility after a visit. If possible, F could sign them too. The ‘host of grandchildren’ could get them ready for you, and even add a note themselves. They could even do some to send to F in the post themselves. I’ve learned to dislike florist flowers, because for me they always mean illness or death, but cards are really good.
I hope that something on this list is workable without too much trouble while you have so much on your plate, and that it actually works! Yours, Margaret
2) My highly doubt my Aunt would never put anything in writing. Back when things were calm, you know, 45 days ago, my Aunt told me the the physical therapist at the facility said Dad did not belong there. This interested us greatly because, truth be told, we didn’t want him to need to be there. When I asked her for clarification it went something like this:
Hey Aunt _____, who heard the physical therapist say that? Did Dad tell you the therapist said that, or did you hear the physical therapist say that?”
It makes a difference and I wanted to clarify it before I discussed it with my brother. My aunts reaction was to immediately say, “Well if you think I’m lying we have nothing more to discuss.” You tell me what conclusion you would draw from that. There is no verbal clarification so I highly doubt she would put anything in writing, but it’s certainly worth a shot.
3) My brother has refused to make any more concessions. Everything we’ve done to alleviate their concerns has been inexplicably turned around. I literally mean everything. Tell them the names of doctors who diagnosed Dad, they find online complaints about them. Point out the previously undetected months old strokes found on the CT scan and they decide Dad’s partner is an uncaring b*tch because she should have noticed. Marvel at the weight Dad has gained at the facility (from 120 to 140–my Dad has always been slight and his partner is tiny too) and it’s all because of my Aunt’s “loving care”.
4) We have not gone so far as to ban her, but it’s coming. We’re sad about that. It really shouldn’t be that way. My brother, being in the line of work he’s in, has
already put in place countermeasures that would immediately alert us to any changes at Dad’s financial institutions. His handwringing and signature, which were perfect in October, are now grossly degraded. It would be very obvious when they were signed, but that’s definitely something to think about. I love the idea of “supervised visitation”, but she would simply never come. Now that I write that, it sounds like a viable solution. It doesn’t prevent her from seeing her brother, but it places some real restrictions there.
5) I speak to Dad’s significant other daily. She is sad and fragile. We may not have had a perfect relationship, but it is respectful and caring and I am proud of how she has handled this. She even gave Aunt money, even though Aunt is horrible to her. We have not left her to deal on her own. Her blood relatives are far away and very few, though very much in her life. I call her mom or mamacita most of the time.
Thank you for you thought and suggestions. You’ve brought up several things to think about.
Dad has not turned against us, in fact, he seems to be settling nicely. The administrator even described dad as “holding court” with the other residents. Dad never knew a stranger and that hasn’t changed. He does get upset and parrot Aunts demands and assertions, but when we are there, we have become quite adept at putting him at ease. It’s when we aren’t there and she has come that he become agitated. Fortunately, if we can get him to unmute us on his phone—he has fits with that phone and switching him to a jitterbug has not helped—we can calm him over the phone too.
if we have to ban, we will. So far, the only trouble maker who actually visits him is Aunt, and the facility is on to her, so it wouldn’t be difficult.
Dad's sister, however is not happy. The words used to describe her that jumped out,
- estranged
- took financial advantage
- agitated she makes him
- rallied her siblings
- demand we pay HER to visit Dad
- demanded his bank cards
- kick his partner out
Well the pictures I formed are varied..
Possibly a fairly simple lady who just doesn't *get* life. Doesn't get the situation. In denial. Someone a few sandwichiches short of a picnic.
But all those money issues? Hmm, someone calculating, manipulative & extremely self-centred. Narcisstic Personality disorder type?
Or just regular garden-variety mean & crazy. A Pot Stirrer.
Let's go with the last one.
Unless she can PROVE she can provide a POSITIVE experience to Dad's life, I cannot see why she should visit or be involved in his life at all.
I would be temped to look into elder financial abuse re the $1000... But I would probably ignore that & work on now.
Have a frank phone call to her, setting out 1. Dad's diagnosis & 2. That the POA has made the best decision.
3. If she wishes to provide friendly visits to Dad, she may. 4. However, if her visits upset him they will be ceased. By friendly request. Then by law if need be. 5. That Dad's finances, house, partner & assets have ZERO to do with her.
Fight bullies with strength.
Fight snakes by scaring away or cutting the head off.
The other siblings may settle & adjust once this Aunt slithers away..
The $1000 is water under the bridge. My brothers and I are not happy about it, but it is what it is.
There will be no phone call, she would simply hang up. She knows dad’s diagnosis and thinks it’s wrong. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t appreciate her visits, but the problems began quickly and started with her posting Dad on social media looking disheveled and “sad” and chalking it up to herself being the only person visiting, This resulted in plenty of praise for her being such a good sister and the only one that cares about him because his kids are awful. The fact that it wasn’t true was less of a problem for my brothers and I than the undignified photos of him before he had been readied for the day. Hair mussed, half dressed or in an undershirt or pajamas, being blasted out for everyone to see. My Dad has always been described as looking like he “just stepped off the plane from Palm Springs.” That was intentional. He liked looking good. He’s normally a sharp man, well dressed, neatly groomed, and there she was posting photos that were everything but. All I could feel was my Dad’s embarrassment if he knew what was being put out there. Our first attempt to control her bombed terribly. We asked her to stop the undignified photos and the false narrative she added to them. She flew off the handle and blocked us all on social media. To be fair, she had posted some nice photos too, Dad cleans up well, we only asked her to stop the ones at breakfast before he was dressed for the day. Everyone else visiting managed to get him to look at the camera instead of waiting until he was looking down and/or forlorn. Talk about dignity that she says pocket money will give him, how about not portraying him as an abandoned father to your 75 Facebook friends, many of which are Dad’s cousins.
The DPOA was all Dad’s doing and until it was needed, my brother wasn’t even fully aware of what it entailed. He’s a smart cookie though and learned fast.
I would LOVE for her to provide friendly visits with dad without demanding to be compensated. I would love for her not to double down to him every chance she gets that she hates Dad’s partner. That’s what upsets Dad the most. She doesn’t have to be any of our friends if her best interest is Dad. She doesn’t even have to like Dad’s partner as long as she stays neutral in Dad’s presence.
We provide as little information as we can in regard to Dad’s finances, house, partner, and assets, but then they just create their own narrative. We don’t even care about that as long as they keep their opinion away from Dad. Truth be told, I’m done with the vast majority of Dad’s family. When the time comes, I’ll wish them all farewell and never look back. My brothers say the same.
Bullies. You are so right. Snakes? Well, I respect snakes. My brother and I prefer the term maggots. Harsh? Yeah, probably too harsh for me. But whatever they are, I have no respect for the lot of them.
I did not get the impression that the partner is a problem. Its said she is independent. Since she lived with the father 20 yrs, she may have an interest in the house if she ever contributed to paying the Mortgage or rent. But OP does not give me the impression there is any problem with her, that she is actually on board.
The brother is POA and the partner really has no control. If they kept their money separate, then there was no co-mingling. She is not responsible for his care or him hers. There are no laws protecting couples who chose to live together.
The Sister seems to think she has a say it what happens to her brother, she doesn't. And if she is agitating your Dad, than brother can request she be banned from the facility. The facility can back u up on this. Don't allow her to goat you. Dad has children who seem to be taking care of him so the siblings need to back off. I would make banks and credit cards aware that no one besides brother can use the accts. Actually, freeze his cards or just cancel them. Bank should be given a copy of the POA with a letter from the doctors saying he in not competent to make informed decisions. So, he cannot write checks or withdrawal money. Your Aunt is losing her cash cow and does not like it. You and your brother need to tell her and his other siblings that Dad is being cared for by his children. That there is no need for them to be involved other than visiting him. That you hear their recommendations but you all have made the decision that Dad is in the right place for his needs. The VA has been looked at but is substandard and you feel he won't thrive there. Also tell them that Dad has been declared incompetent to make informed decisions by several doctors. That brothers POA in now in effect. He has control over Dads finances and Medical. I would also tell the sister that you have been told by the facility staff that her visits agitate your Dad. If she cannot visit him without agitating him, then she will be banned. Tell brother to be very firm with her. Also, he should make sure to tell her HE is in charge at this point. What she and her siblings think is best is irrelevant.
I would make sure that you make it clear that no one is to take Dad out of the building unless they are on the list. In Moms AL, I was asked to list who was allowed to take Mom out. I had just us kids. Anyone else would need my approval, I was POA.
My Dad’s partner trusts us. We include her in everything but as you said, my brother has final say. Partner has put up zero roadblocks and she is 100% supportive. Dad has been extremely hard on her, extremely so. The house is in a trust as they both sold their homes to buy this one. My brother could force the sale in the terms of the trust, but that’s not happening unless partner chooses it. She is 80 years old. She was good to our Dad. We owe her. She takes immaculate care of the home. It is an all brick patio home and requires very little exterior maintenance. The tiny lawn was cared for by my father up until two years ago. They hired a service who maintains the length and the edge just as my father did.
DPOA brother has all of Dad’s financial tools in his safe and has access to all financial accounts. Dad has no debt and all lines of credit have been closed. My brother’s accounting has been immaculate thus far as his work background has shown him just how detrimental careless accounting can be. My brothers and I have no use for any of Dad’s money. He was a hard working Dad and like we tell him when he wants to pay for dinner out, “Dad, you took care of us for years, it’s our turn now.”
We do allow Aunt to take him out still. He seems to enjoy those outings and in the end it’s about him. We only recently learned of his agitation after her visits. She won’t receive that information well, but it has to be brought up to her. If you knew her, you’d realize how futile that is. She prides herself on being “brutally honest”, which, in my experience really boils down to just “brutal”. Her siblings just say “Aunt is Aunt” like we’re just supposed to excuse her for being the way she is.
As for my brother being firm with her, he is very firm, way more so than I am. I’m the peacemaker, the nurturer. My brother is fact driven and will only allow his Aynts and Uncles so much. He is disappointed in them more than anything and after the way they have come at him, cussing and accusing, he has shut the door on them completely and I can’t blame him. They even tried to get to him through his wife, even though he has never blocked them from communicating with him and STILL hasn’t blocked them. It makes no sense.
He has told them all to contact him with any questions and concerns. My Aunt continues to alert my brother when she feels Dad needs something and my brother always complies, even when it’s something kind of silly, but she never consults him on anything else. Evidently she saves that for conversations between herself and others who have no power to change anything.
You are probably not going to get estranged sister out of his life unless you make her so mad that she stays away. Because the facility says that she is making your Dad upset, you could put her on the "cannot visit" list and maybe that is what you need to do.
I suspect she will cause trouble after your Dad passes too. I don't think you can prevent it. Typically, parent's assets go to direct children rather than to sisters/brothers, however, there is a chance that his will/trust and property titles have not been updated since you guys were born.
I'd go see an estate attorney for the state where your Dad resides and make sure that you really have all of Dad's papers up-to-date and current with the law before it is too late. Ensure that you understand who will be inheriting what. Then ask the lawyer for advice on what to do with sister. I'm sure the lawyer has dealt with this type of person before.
Good luck. You are doing a fabulous job for your Dad.
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