My cousin currently has our other aunt who doesn't live far, come over to prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner along with giving meds, once in the morning and once in the evening. She doesn't stay all day as she lives close enough to come back prior to dinner and her pm meds. My cousins concern is that her mom is left alone often and wants someone to be there majority of the day. Recently she asked me if I wanted to move in since I am currently in the process of looking for a place to live as my lease is up here. She said she would compensate me by allowing me to take up one of the bedrooms (rent free) and pay me $2,300.00 which $300 would be for me to buy the food for her mother. Well, I must mention that my husband also has dementia and I already am caring for him. No big deal. Now her offer also seems like a good idea as I wouldn't have to pay rent and will be able to save money.
Now, recently she called me saying that after speaking with her husband, he advised her that giving me free room and board + paying me a salary to care for her mother who has dementia is ridiculous. She said she will not be able to pay me any amount as the free rent should be enough. I expressed that with the $2300.00 if I used that to find my own place would get me a better place then this little bedroom I am being given.
The problem I am having right now besides the pay issue is that she pops this to me when I only now have 30 days from having to leave my current residence. Almost as if she planned it for me to have no options but to except her offer. I told her if I didn't take the job, she would have to pay someone else to watch her mom. She is a loud talker and will not hear anything I have to say. Except to tell me that I don't need to take the offer if am having a problem with it.
So should I accept this offer of watching her mom and moving into this little bedroom with my husband and no compensation for the care of her mom except free room and board. Which really I still would be saving money with not paying rent but, is it right of her to do this or should I just hurry and find another place to live.
Isn't there a law about live-in caregivers? Any advise anyone can give me would greatly be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Carolyn
no... cousins hubby laid out the plans... let them figure out how to take care of mom... you will burn out sooner than you think...
does free room n board give you privilege to kitchen, laundry, bath, and yard? Or will you be considered Cinderella?
or agree for a short period and keep looking for a place to rent.
I predict you'll seriously regret going through with this. Your husband has dementia--he will only get worse. Your aunt has dementia and she will only get worse. You, you get to stay in a bedroom ... for free. That's it in exchange for you giving up your life for what may be for years.
I lived with my mom for 13 months with her dementia before she died. The isolation you'll experience because she couldn't be left alone--ONE PERSON--I cannot imagine if you're basically trapped with TWO. My sisters' (imagine this being your cousin) narcissistic behavior destroyed my health for years.
Your cousin has already changed the terms of payment--a MASSIVE red flag. Your cousin has manipulated you into giving up your home over this. I'm sorry, but you're better off moving into a new place and simply tell your cousin NO.
Related or not, there are Labor Laws concerning live-ins. I think you better check out what they are. You are an employee and deserve to be paid. Its not a 24/7 job, you get time off. In hindsight, you could have stored your belongings.
If you think this is a good deal for now, be up front and honest. That you will gladly stay with Mom for a free room but when you can afford a place of your own, you will be moving out. Because in the long run, you can't care for two sick people indefinitely. But I would not even do this unless you are able to stick up for yourself with cousin.
She indeed trapped you by making you think you would get $2K/month and now has yanked any monetary compensation from the deal. (For the record, I don't think $2K/month for doing you don't know what a reasonable offer, either.)
Do you really want anything to do with this conniving cousin? Don't you see what is going to end up happening?
How old are you? How old is your H? How old is this aunt? Did you quit a job to care for your H? Are you collecting SS? Is your H? A pension? Just trying to get an idea of your overall financial situation to understand why you would be so desperate to consider such slavery.
It all sounds way too casual. Being hired as a caregiver or moving in as a homeless, helpful niece? Do you then quit your job or vacate the premises? Too vague.
I’d be afraid that the use of a bedroom in exchange for caregiving would soon turn into a 24/7 responsibility. Trapping you.
IF you are seriously considering it: I suspect she needs you more than you need the free room. I might be inclined to say no to see if your cousin dramatically sweetens the deal. Seems ridiculous that supposed billionaires would need you to sacrifice on their behalf.
So many red flags.
But OP, you should get paid for helping. Free rent isn’t enough. If you end up helping a lot, for free (in my case, and in many people’s cases, for years for free; A LOT of helping), you’ll end up angry and exploited like me.
"the pay issue" ⚠️
"will not hear anything I have to say" ☠️
Hmm. So I read what cousin wants, a changing deal to suit cousin & what cousin says & no listening.
Where is Asking how much supervision/assistance you realistically give? You need to have a life too, leave the house at times etc. Where is Discussing a fair price/arrangement with you? Where is Listening to you for what will suit your end of this?
Set up an honest two-way conversation. If this is still a monologue - being talked AT, it's a non-starter.
The very fact that you are considering this means you should perhaps talk to a therapist who will help you identify and defend healthy boundaries. You should also read posts under the topic Burnout on this forum, since that's where you'll be destined.
You might find this explanation of the rules for applying room and board to the minimum wage interesting.
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/direct-care/credit-wages/faq
Think about whether this is a job you’d do for minimum wage and that you’d expect to take less than 7.5 hours a WEEK to accomplish? If your husband was in day care or in the hospital you’d have no obligation to be in the house other than your hours, right?
Why would you want to work for someone who has already shown their willingness to drop your compensation and unwillingness to negotiate. They have shown you who they are. Believe them.
His condition will deteriorate and so will your cousin’s. He will need more help than you can imagine.
Don’t go near this situation. Once you’re in it, you’ll have a hard time getting out. They don’t need your help! If they’re billionaires, they can hire a whole staff to take care of cousin.
Why is she so greedy?