They can't afford memory care and my mom is not ready for a nursing home. They aren't poor but can't afford the $3-5 k a month for my mom if he were to pass. My mom is afraid at night. I honestly don't think she could live alone. Where do we go for options? I don't want my dad to worry so much about this. We just need a plan if he were to pass before my mom. Thank you
Get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist. Anxiety and agitation should be treated!
Ask if he has funeral plans for him & Mom. If not, please take him to get one. (This was the best gift he gave us. All were pre-paid for him & Mom.) These kinds of things should help him be more at ease - knowing that you are armed with info in case he goes first. Do not promise him to take Mom into your house or anything else that will cause you guilt later if you can't do. (I go see my mom every day in Assisted Living and still feel guilt at times.) Ask Dad if you can go with them to dr appointment. For Mom: Get at least two of everything she "can't live without" because she WILL lose or misplace. Glasses, favorite shoes, BRA. (That was a major problem this week. She couldn't find her bra. Distressing, of course, to her. Now I'm searching online for the exact same bra that she probably bought 20 years ago.) My mom wears the exact same outfit every day because, of course, she doesn't remember that she wore it yesterday.
I know these are difficult conversations. It's hard to think about either of your parents deceased. In my opinion, you will be giving Dad a gift by allowing him to 'get his affairs in order.' You will be a lucky daughter if he will do these things.
Most folks with dementia cannot live alone past the early stages. Your father is elderly and her care may become too arduous for him to handle alone. Starting to make a contingency plan now will help loads.
There are specialist lawyers, that would be ideal; but if your father is too nervous about that idea you can still make a start by looking up his local Area Agency on Aging and searching for "Caregiver Resources." It's a matter of getting him to look up and see that he's not on his own with this, and there will be a choice of ways forward.
If mom cannot afford AL, I would look into applying for Medicaid NOW. It is a LONG process. There are a few AL facilities that accept Medicaid. Again, touring, researching, and asking questions.
You are blessed to have precious time on your side right now. Your back's not against the wall. Use that time to prepare for "two steps ahead." Two steps ahead can come on suddenly, and sooner than you think. Good luck, and come back for more guidance along the way or if you see something/hear something in a facility you want to bounce off the community here. There are probably hundreds of years of collective experience on this forum.
For us, Zoloft gave him some peace of mind and while I am sure he still thinks about it, he is no longer obsessed with it.
I fought using the Zoloft for a full year, until the day I realized he was so despondent all the time, sitting with his head down and almost in a fetal position. It was time and I shouldn't have waited so long.
None of us knows who will go first - this is just something your father will have to accept on his own. Telling him that you will see to your mother's needs will help.
I hope our story gives you some ideas of what might help your situation too. It took a little time for both parents to accept extra help, but in time they adjusted and the new person became like family.