My mother has always had a longstanding severe personality disorder. My psychiatrists and therapists have suggested she has more than one. As a child, I lived through the violence, dangerous situations, verbal abuse/gaslighting, etc., which resulted in severe depression and suicide attempts on my end. She is now 71, has glaucoma, but is still steady raising hell because she believes I “made her look bad” when with my suicide attempts (which were NOT about her). I’m at my wit’s end. She’s convinced other people I’m crazy or a monster because she’s so manipulative...she talks about me negatively to anyone who will listen. At one point, I was willing to work through this but see the depth of her hostility and craziness and just don’t feel it would serve me any benefit to attempt to help her. She’s so toxic and sick. Oh, and she gets angry if I go no-contact, which my therapist suggested. Family members will try to berate me for treating her so poorly although I tell them she’s manipulating them; they still side with her. Any suggestions?
When I walked away from some of my family, I told them how they needed to apologize and amend their behavior if they ever wanted a relationship with me and I walked out the door. I didn't contact them at all. I filled the time I had spent with those family members with other family, friends and church activities while I "mourned" for the death of the family relations I had thought I had. A couple of years later we ran into each other at a restaurant. Apparently they were surprised when I nodded at their greeting and walked on by to sit down at table with my friends and ignored them. It wasn't hard to do because at that point I had completed my mourning and accepted their "deaths" in my life. Having them out of my life was a lot less painful than what they put me through previously.
Strangely, the fact that I didn't care anymore made an impression; they contacted my mother about mending fences a few days later (of course they wanted to skip the apology and just restart). I declined and sent the message back that my life was much better off without them and I would only consider rapprochement after a sincere apology that acknowledged their fault and included promises that the bad behavior would not be repeated. I got the apology and the promises and we restarted visiting on a new playing field - one where they _knew_ I could walk away anytime their behavior crossed a line.
That all happened over 30 years ago and my emotional independence has served me well through every one of them. I have deep satisfying relationships with most of my family but everyone knows emotional blackmail just doesn't work on me.
From your post, it sounds like your mother is mentally ill and no worthwhile relationship is possible with her. Please understand that taking care of mom (if you feel there is no one else who can/will do it) doesn't mean personal interaction with her. You can be the advocate that helps find her a living situation or checks with facility care givers to see how mom is doing and sends packages of clothing or personal care items.
It also sounds like you have some other family members who need a bit of the walk away treatment too. When they try to berate you for taking care of yourself just tell them "You don't know the whole story and even if you did, you are not God and have no right to judge me." and walk away. You can have a good life without those toxic family members.
U need to do what your therapist has suggested. You need to break ties. You will be told by other members NOT to help her. You will regret it.
I wish you luck. Check out your county's counsel on aging. They can help with finding other opportunities for respite.
When people asked or whined at me, I would say, "dealing with untreated mental illness is so hard." If they want more info (they won't) I was prepared to say, "if she would only allow us to help her, we would be there to help her. Just like an alcoholic needs to hit rock bottom, we believe mthr needs to hit rock bottom before we can help her. Otherwise we are simply enabling her bad behavior." I role played that with my therapist and husband so much. Not one person asked.
BTW, when Adult Protective Services hunted me up to rescue her, we were there and installed her in a great memory care unit. Her "friends" did nothing for her and her coworker and bank manager friend were taking financial advantage of her. "Yet they were the first to whine, You have to get along with your mother and understand...." Those people are simply looking for a thing to gossip about and a thing to make them feel superior to you. Let them go too.