I am 59years old , only child, divorced, with two adult daughters. One of my daughters is autistic high functioning. my other daughter stays with her boyfriend and she comes home two days a week. My mum is a narcissist and my father put her on a pedestal their whole married life - he did everything for her! I helped my father deal with my mom over the years but never fully understood until he died. We moved in immediately when he passed and this was the worst decision I have ever made. My life is over… I have no privacy, I sleep in the conservatory and she constantly walks through to let her dog out. The day starts at 5am, I actually pretend to be asleep to avoid her. She starts her daily routine and constantly comes in to see if I’m awake. I try to start the day around 9am so it’s not so long of a day. We are not at the stage of full time care but it won’t be long. I wish I had something positive to say about the last two years but everyday has been a battle. I am unable to leave her for more than two hours and I cannot plan a holiday. If I suggest doing anything without her she starts to get angry and upset. She has gradually worn me down and I now try to avoid anything that sets her off. I have managed to set a couple of boundaries: she expects me to sit and watch tv with her from morning till night however I refuse to do this now. I made a decision to make sure I took my dog out with my daughter everyday, we go for a costa coffee and sit in the car. At first my mom reacted badly to this but I think she accepts it now: not fully as she constantly wants me to walk with her and her dog. This is impossible because she moans about everything and blames my dog for everything. For my own sanity, I have had to be firm.I have also managed to go into my conservatory from 6pm every night and when she comes through at 10 pm I always pretend to be asleep. if I didn’t do these things she would consume my life. I have so much guilt ! It is not my nature to be like this ,I was always the loving daughter and we were friends but everything has changed .She treats me like she did my father, constantly micromanaging, constant list of jobs, he wasn’t allowed to lie in EVER, he wasn’t allow to have a nap. I still blame her for his death ..he was poorly but she treated him so bad. My father had enough when he was in hospital, I was trying to get him to rest and he kept saying „she won’t let me.“ if it wasn’t for my two daughters I would take my own life. I cannot see an end to this and i wonder if there is anyone out there in the same situation?
Is there some reason you don’t have a job? Or friends? Or enjoyable activities? Does mom support you?
You can get out of this, but you have to decide - just like you decided to move in - to move out. Then take action and DO it. Mom has become way too important in your life. You gave her permission to do that. Now you take it away.
Good luck to you.
in the meantime, live your life and let her rage. So what if she does? Tell her no, you don’t want to watch TV with her, no, you don’t want to walk her dog with her.
Why can’t you leave for more than two hours? Does she need you for a safety reason? If not, just go for as long as you want or need to. Again, who cares if she complains? ehy Do you give her this power over you? You don’t deserve this. You deserve a happy and sane life. So walk away from this nasty selfish abusive woman. With no regrets.
Go out this week and line up a place to live, and a job if you need one. Let us know how it goes.
When your mother rants, record her on you phone, play it back for her, and say she’s not happy with you being there so you will leave and let her set up a better situation for herself.
We often see children, adult who are nearing their own retirement years, left homeless, bankrupt, without any job or job history who come to us after the long years of suffering the slow burn of having thrown themselves onto the burning funeral pyres of their parent. We have sometimes had to go so far as to suggest shelter for the homeless.
If you adult child is disabled, then she has her disability. You and she can move to your own small efficiency apartment. Mom would be on her own and have to make arrangements for her own future. You have enough on your plate.
Should you choose to stay then there needs to be agreement about privacy quarters and boundaries. If that cannot be done, then you need to consider how and when you will leave. No one here can reassure you that this is OK. It isn't. No one is made happy by your decision to move in. And no one can make changes for your life but you. My heart goes out to you, but you are going to have to take this bull by the horns. Or not.
I truly wish you the best.
Is the two hours because she gets mad if your longer? Oh well, she will just have to be mad. You did her a favor moving in to help her, tell her you can move out.
You say you can't leave her alone...why is that?
If it is because she is "needy" that is no reason.
If mom has been diagnosed with dementia you place her in Memory Care. (If you are not POA you can report her as a vulnerable Senior to APS or your States Elder Abuse number Each State has a 24 hours hotline that will take a report.) You can no longer SAFELY care for her. YOUR mental health is in jeopardy.
You seem to have enough mental health issues of your own you do not need to take on hers. You will often see or hear the phrase that "Caregivers need to take care of themselves" well you need to take care of yourself.
You need to talk to your doctor about a referral to a therapist (if you need a referral) If you do not have a doctor PLEASE call 988 if you feel that you need to talk. That number is a nationwide toll free number to a Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also text that number. The Lifeline provides 24 hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal or emotional distress.
Does your daughter with autism live there in your mother’s house also? Then your other daughter who stays with her boyfriend, does she return to your mother’s house the other two days? If you were to move out, would they be affected? Do either of them know how unhappy you are?
Do you have any friends or cousins or former colleagues you are in touch with? Is your ex-husband part of the life of your daughters?
Where did you live before your dad died? Do you have an income of your own or are you financially dependent on your mother? Or is she financially dependent on you?
From the sound of it, your mother walks her dog every day, so she is physically doing OK herself? When you say the situation is not far from full time care, what do you mean? Can she prepare meals, change her clothes, bathe, do laundry? Or does she need help to accomplish these?
Most of what you describe sounds like psychological bullying rather than physical dependency. I really can’t fathom why you would feel guilty. Shouldn’t SHE be feeling guilty?
I think you should concentrate on two areas. First, What do YOU want and how can you achieve it? Pretend for the moment that she has passed. What does a good future look like for you? Say “Six months from now I want to be living in ——— “ and describe the circumstances.
Second, research what resources are available for your mother. I guarantee you there are other widowed 84+ year olds in your area who have no adult offspring living with them. Are there care homes? Home health aides? Does she go to the doctor? Could they provide resources?
I also think a therapist or counselor could help you build up your own confidence and sense of self worth. You deserve your own life and deep down, in some level, you know it. You wouldn’t have posted otherwise.
I would also say, so what if she gets mad? What are you really afraid of? If you were to tell her you are moving out for your own health and peace of mind and you will help her by finding resources but otherwise by (fill in a date) you will no longer be living with her, there isn’t much she can do about it.
You went through a divorce. You radically changed your life to move in with her. You can get through moving out also. Do it for yourself. Only you can. I am rooting for you!!