My father has gone from a care home to a nursing home where he will spend the rest of his days. How should I deal with feeling guilty?

You say he's happy so there is nothing to feel guilty about. You miss him and you miss the job of caring for him. That's not guilt. It's grief. I suggest that when you are not checking up on him, which is important for you and him, you try to find other activities that will satisfy your desire to help others or that will at least be of interest to you. I'm not sure anything will ever become as meaningful as caring for my mom in her final years, but I continue to try. The most helpful things for me have been to make art, be with other people, and to garden. Those are the things I neglected a little bit while caring for my mom. Take care of yourself.

You are the caregiver of your mental health, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Unfortunately, it is the buzz word of the 21st century, used without understanding its true meaning. You did nothing but support and do the best things for your father, you should feel proud, there is no room for guilt. It is counterproductive and will keep you stuck within a prison with invisible bars, all self-created.

Visit him and be happy that he is safe and well cared for.

Guilt is out of the question. Unthinkable. Guilt requires evil intentions. Guilt requires causation. Guilt requires that you could fix or change something and refused to do so out of evil intention. That hardly describes YOU, does it? Guilt is for felons. It is a kind of hubris to expect you yourself to have god like power and endurance and an ability to fix things. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it and you are doing things to the best of your capability. Your admiration of your father makes me believe that he must have already long ago told you he doesn't want your body heaped still living upon his funeral pyre.

I, like you, was lucky in having wonderful people for parents. And a wonderful brother. And I thank goodness my brother had wonderful care his last year and one half. Every time I read extended care disasters here I thank all the powers that be for Pacific Senior Living in Palm Springs. I never SAW such dedication and love in a staff that was expected to have not just a job, but a vocation, and who did have just that.

I think you and I were lucky in finding great care. I think it is rare as hen's teeth. I think we are rare in having stellar parents and loved ones who were our heroes. You sound like me..................thankful. Quite simply THANKFUL.
My best out to you.

Sammy, I’m glad you successfully found a place you feel good about for your beloved father. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing, acting as his advocate and still a caregiver in his waning days. No parent could ask for more. During my mother’s nursing home time, we had numerous staff members tell us they’d never do any other type of work as they considered it their life’s calling. We remain grateful for their compassion and commitment. Please don’t waste precious time on the useless emotion of guilt, spend it instead holding dad’s hand, reassuring him of your love and care. I wish you both peace

My Father has been a constant source of support throughout my life too. I have met many others describe someone as their rock. A term of respect & solidness.

Yet I don't feel it's right for me to use. To me, rocks can also appear unchanging & unmoving. While us humans change & move location through our lives. Actually.. maybe rocks DO sometimes move. Get moved by the forces of nature.

I am now picturing this steady, noble rock.. Rolling slowly down a hillside. Coming to rest near a beautiful stream for it's next stage.

Thank you for this deeply meaningful post. Being a father of 4 and having lost my first wife to brain cancer a few years ago, I can't help but reflect on your devotion in light of my personal situation. I love all of my kids and grandkids dearly. But since my first wife passed away (I was her personal caretaker for 15 years), 3 of my kids have all but rejected me. I don't blame them; they dearly miss their mother and were shocked by my remarriage. I always hoped that when my time comes, my kids would take care of me and think about me as you do your father. But I just don't think that will happen. I can hope, however. And I will continue to try to mend things. Your thoughts have given me much to ponder.

Samantha, it's unfortunate when parents grow (too) old and can no longer care for themselves. Like AlvaDeer, I'm old, and of course I hope my husband (94) and I (87) never need to be "placed". That said, I'm a realist and I know that day may come. I do not want our family to spend even one minute feeling guilty if/when it does. As AlvaDeer says: guilt is not the applicable "g"-word.

We love our adult children, especially our 63 Y/O son, with whom we are very close. He and his wife still work F/T but will retire in a few years. They have worked very hard for many years and have earned their retirement. We want them to ENJOY it, however that evolves for them. One thing for sure: providing hands-on care for us will NOT be on the agenda! We seriously hope that they will NEVER feel guilty about helping us choose a good facility (within our means) if our care needs exceed what can reasonably be provided in our home.

As a quintessential introvert, I would not expect to be completely "happy" in a care facility, but I've had my life. I hope that I would accept placement, if necessary, with at least a modicum of grace. (Please, if possible, let me have my own room though!)

Please try not to feel guilty. You will soon realize that you made the right decision. We all go through that phase questioning our choices for our loved ones.
Unfortunately, we cannot decide how end of life years work out. There is a huge need for assisted living because we are not qualified nurses or aides.
Visit often and become your dad's advocate.

"and he is happy."

REMEMBER THIS. It is the most important quality of his life.

If you've felt guilt / guilty your entire life, consider your response 'now' is totally normal and expected. This doesn't make it easier for you to cope / deal with the situation necessarily although it might give you a glimmer of self-compassion / self-support looking at the bigger picture.

* Give yourself space emotionally and psychologically to process / feel through this huge change. One way I might do it would be to have a 'counter response' ready (in my head or on paper if you prefer to write out feelings) would be something like:

- I feel so guilty that dad is in a nursing home.
Counter thought: He will be well taken care of - much more attention with staff, managers and administrator than I could do alone. I will visit as much as I can. I will see about getting regular visitors (other family members and/or volunteers).

- I feel just awful about about his living situation.
Counter thought: He was not safe living alone. He is MUCH more - if not 100% more safer now - and he feels happy. I did good for years loving him and that won't stop. I did the right thing even though it feels sad to me.

- I wish I felt better about this transition, moving dad into a nursing home.
Counter thought: Yes, I do wish the situation was different and transitions are natural / normal as a person ages and needs more care. I did everything I could and give myself credit for caring / loving him when he was at home ... and I will continue to ensure he is getting the best care possible.

- Will my feelings of guilt ever change?
Counter thought: Therapy would be a good resource for me now. I'll check into that as I want to release this guilt and INTERNALIZE all the GOOD I did for my dad over my lifetime. I want to be as healthy as possible for myself, and for him - to be the 'best me' when with him.

Learn to interrupt repetitive negative thought patterns: When you feel guilty, counter that will thinking of the good times with your dad ... think of pleasant experiences with him. Shift out / change your mind set as soon as you can as the guilt / negative feelings won't serve you or your dad at all. You can train your mind to 'snap out of it' with intention.

What I did for my friend-companion: I bought him his favorite foods for dinner (or lunch) which he preferred to the meals served there. When you visit (or others), if food is a pleasant experience for him, let him eat whatever he wants. My "Jerry" was losing weight so I bought pizza, desserts, pastrami sandwiches (which he ate with no teeth) ... everything he liked.

Let me know if these ideas might support you in 'reframing' the situation and how you feel. It might be considered COGNITIVE THERAPY ... I am not sure and that doesn't really matter although that model of healing / processing feelings is a viable / helpful one.

Always reflect to yourself: The huge GIFT to you that your dad feels HAPPY.
A lot of how he feels now ("happy") is due to how you've loved and cared for him over the decades. You did good. Real good. Give yourself credit and counter the 'guilt' when it creeps ... with awareness and intention, you can do this.

Here's a hug, Gena / Touch Matters

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have been and still are a loving and caring daughter. Your Dad is safe and content. I had to move my Dad into an assisted living facility (with the help of my husband) last year. We tried to have home aids come in, meals on wheels delivered to help after he had to stop driving so he could stay at home. (We lived 1700 miles away.) While we were visiting, he fell and we could not get him up. That was what drove the decision along with the fact that he was no longer able to keep up with little things around the house or proper nutrition other than the wheels on meals delivery. I moved in with him for a month and a half until we found a place that we liked and felt comfortable with. I was happy to do it but in all honesty it was exhausting. I feel for people who do this full time year round. He has made the adjustment and I'm grateful he has the resources to afford assisted living. The hardest part for me is trusting others to make sure he is content when I'm not there. I think a lot of it boils down to the aging process and how it affects people. They need help with ADLs now. I try to think of it this way when I start feeling bad about not having him move in with us - as elder orphans ourselves, my husband and I would be glad to get into an assisted living facility because we have seen how difficult aging can be. Remember your Dad is happy - he probably knows this is the safest arrangement for him. You are also grieving the loss of important work - caring for him. Please find something that you find gratifying to do if you have some free time and be kind to yourself.