My father is 92 in a care home and well looked after. The staff say he seems happy and had settled. He tells me nothing but lies. Any advice?
He's been there 7 months. When I visit it's all about power and manipulation. He tells me nothing but lies, says he's leaving to stay with his Aunt who died 40 odd years ago. Has bag packed and wants me to take it. Tried softly softly approach but he won't give up. Ended up saying not taking it. He says why and said not discussing it. Everything I say he disagrees. The home was closed for a week due to virus. He says it's lies and no need. Says staff told him they are all going to be given injections every day for no reason. Seems much more lucid when others visit. Is it all an act? Can't understand it. Very upsetting. Reduced my visits as I can't stand it all. Any advice? I have power of attorney for care as certified by 2 doctors, no capacity to make decisions about care.
When I would visit my mom, I got the Litany of Complaints. She was dramatic, negative and told me she wanted to go live with her parents (both deceased over 50 years). But, the staff told me what a pleasant person she was. She’d attend some social occasions, sing to the music and once even held some sort of animal the Zoo Outreach program brought. I thought to myself, “who the heck are they talking about? Surely not MY mother!”
Your dad is safe and well-cared for. The therapeutic fib is a great way to go. You can concoct all sorts of excuses because fifteen minutes later, they won’t remember what you said. I told my mom that her mom and dad were having the inside of the house painted and her room wasn’t ready yet. She was content with that.
This isn’t easy and you truly have to do whatever keeps you sane. And don’t feel guilty about it.
Next time your Dad saying he is going to live with his Aunt, just say "won't that be nice, but I heard Aunty is on vacation right now, maybe you can go in a couple of weeks". Chances are your Dad will forgot you said that in a hour or so. Thus, the next time you see him, he will say the same thing. Just keep saying whatever fib you find works the best.
If you can just play along, it will make him feel better and you feel better, less stress on your part. Eventually you will be able to think on your feet quickly to answer Dad.
My own Mom was always asking about living with her parents and her sisters. Well my Mom was 98, she was the last of the siblings. I eventually learned to play along. Always had a good excuse in my pocket.
He seems to perceive that YOU are someone he trusts. And loves. And that maybe YOU're the one who can help him make break for it?
My uncle was like this with my cousin, his first born and for some reason least favorite child. He was all bluster and threats with her.
In his previous life, he had been a titan of industry. Bluster, powerbrokering and manipulation were his trade.
Does any of this resonate? Have you ever watched any Teepa Snow videos on managing dementia behaviors?