Finally got his drivers license away from him (had to go to state). Kept getting lost. I'm coping with roof leaks that he's giving me a hard time fixing. House has termites, he's in denial about that. Insist on cooking with gas. Climbed on a ladder and tore down his smoke detector because it kept going off. Can't work his simple thermostat so he turns heat and AC off and on. Plumbing leak cost over $500. Poor plumber couldn't find it because my father forgot he had another bathroom. He is not capable of living alone and caring for his home. He's broke and I need to sell his home to care for him. I have fixed a room and bathroom up at my house and he refuses to move in. I have Power of Attorney but I hate to force the issue. Concerned that he'll get depressed and die if I make him move in with me or worse stick him in an Assisted Living Facility. His doctor agrees that he has no business living alone. I got him a call button and he presses it accidentally at least 3-4 times a week. I have no siblings left and am dealing with this on my own. Afraid to go on vacation. Going to see a psychologist for help. Do I force him out of his home now or wait for something to happen like a fall or a hospitalization and then use that as an excuse to force the issue then?
if dad is for the most part taking care of himself, at the natural conclusion of his life and chooses to live at home, what does it cost you? $500 is nothing compared to the cost of AL.
A POA doesn’t get you there unless that dr will sign something saying he is incompetent. I think safety is way over rated. If he is happy at home and dies a yr or two earlier, that would be my choice. But that takes guts. A lot easier to sleep at night if they are in a facility. I would probably get rid of the gas stove. Make sure he’s not taking anyone else out with him.
If he’s causing you to spend your life taking care of him, that’s one thing. If he is just saying leave me alone and he’s doing pretty good that’s another. Go walk around in a facility and visit with a few guys his age and see what you think. If you can’t handle a few of those visits now how will you handle them for him when he is living there? When a life is at its end there is no magic to turn back the clock.
I say this is the "best" choice because you are obviously quite concerned about his safety, and would suffer tremendously if he were seriously injured or died due to something you feel you could have been able to prevent. This is no small matter. The question you can ask yourself is, which would you be best be able to live with afterward - his possible depression and decline if you take control of his life, or a painful accident and injury if you don't? Which is the most likely to actually happen - and which is the most likely to cause you grief and regret in the years to come?
We all want our aged parents to retain their personal autonomy as long as possible, to preserve their dignity and maintain their happiness. This is fine as long as they are able to think clearly and make appropriate decisions with only minimal or moderate assistance. At 95, and with Alzheimer's, your father is clearly beyond this point.
Remember, when we were children, our parents would often step in and stop us from doing things that had the potential to harm us, because at that point in our development we did not have the capacity to make rational decisions. They did this for our own good, whether we liked it or not. Later in life, this role reverses, especially in patients with Alzheimer's, and it's not easy to deal with.
Here's a link to a good article on the subject: https://www.alzheimers.net/guardianship-for-parent-with-alzheimers/
This is a tough situation to be in. I wish you comfort and peace with whatever decision you make regarding your dad's care.
Tell dad the gov reimburses him at the end of the year or something. Try a few ads on next door to find local neighbors. There’s lots of community centered solutions. Try a few people first. Mention in your ad up front that an intense background check will be done so you weed out anyone with criminal history.
Ration out the money to make the house adapted to aging in his own home. Seek legal counsel on how to do this
I also had to make the choice between moving my then most resistant, 92 year old mother in with me or letting her stay in her house that needed a whole host of repairs. The idea of hiring someone to be with her would have never worked because my mother wouldn't have a stranger in her house. But moving her in with me was not what she wanted even though we have always been very close. While I hated making that decision, the thought of her falling, or starting a fire while cooking or having her wander out the door, or let in a stranger, etc. was the greater terror (and guilt) for me. In time, her behaviors became too difficult for me to handle (visual and auditory hallucinations, waking up in the middle of the night and turning on all the lights because she thought it was time to get up, getting into rages, falling because she wouldn't use her cane, etc.) so I moved her to a small assisted living facility. She refused to use a cane or walker and eventually fell and had to have hip surgery--more guilt. Today at almost 96, my beautiful mother, while still in fairly good physical condition, can't carry on the simplest of conversations, doesn't always recognize me although I visit her 3 times a week, and thinks her parents and all of her siblings who have passed are alive and well. Each time I leave her after my visit, I am sad and guilty that somehow I couldn't make this better for her.
I know that any other path I might have taken would have had it's own difficulties and hazards. We have no control over this disease and it's heartbreaking from start to finish. But when I hear on the news that an elderly person with dementia is missing from their home, I give thanks that I was able to accept the painful realization that my mom could no longer make decisions about her safety, and do what needed to be done.
My experience with my mom enabled me to sit down with my adult son and talk frankly about what my future might be and give him my blessing if he has to take charge of my care. While my mom put me legally in charge, we never considered what her care or condition might actually look like. I imagine many of us didn't get to have that conversation. But when necessary actions come from a place of love, you will be doing the right thing--even if you don't always like what you have to do.
You are not alone!
I hope that i can live a later life recognizing and not blaming her and enjoy time in an organized environment.
best wishes to ALL of us.