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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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He is living in his second assisted living facility but he hates it - just like he hated the first one. He verbally mistreats the staff and is very rude to the other residents. I don't know what to do. He's about to get kicked out.
I manage his living arrangements, his healthcare, his finances and his house. I'm responsible for just about everything. I have a sister but she lives out of state. I don't really have a choice. HE couldn't care less what reactions he gets for his behavior. I, however, am the one who pays the price. If he gets kicked out of this facility I'm not sure what I'll do.
I don't know why we think we can/should save other people from the consequences of their own actions. Someone who has always been negative and impatient can expect certain reactions to that, especially away from people who make allowances because they love him.
Thank you for responding. Other than normal aging I don't think he has a serious dementia problem. Yes, he has always been somewhat negative and impatient with others. Only now he just blurts out whatever he feels with no regard for others' feelings. He wasn't happy at home either. He was by himself a lot and lonely. I tried hiring someone to help him and give him companionship but, of course, he didn't like him and found every excuse not to keep him. He complained about the housekeeper, the home health aides - everyone. Now that he's in assisted living, all he wants is to be at back home. But without full time care, that's just not an option. And financially that's just not possible. Honestly, I don't think I could live with him even if I was able to - which I'm not.
I have the same question GA asked. Has Dad always been hateful and mean? If so, I have two observations: 1) It is probably not realistic to expect a major change at this point. and 2) It would be best for you to care for him from a distance -- through a social worker or care manager. Having a hateful and mean father should not be a life sentence for the children.
If this behavior is relatively new, then I wonder if he has cognitive problems, such as dementia. Has he had a thorough examination? Sometimes the symptoms of dementia can be helped with drugs and with knowledgeable treatment by caregivers. If this behavior could be the result of dementia or mental illness I would hope that every possible medical treatment could be considered. I would also hope that you don't abandon your father in his time of great need. If he was a decent father to you for decades and this is a big change, he deserves a little more effort.
BUT be absolutely clear on this: whatever the cause of his being hateful and mean, DO NOT consider moving him in with you. Just don't do it. I know you didn't mention this, but I worry about the "I don't know what to do," so I'm offering a strong "what not to do."
I like GA's suggestion for talking to the facility's social worker and perhaps other staff who have gotten to know Dad. What do they recommend? Do they think he shows other signs of dementia? I understand that facilities have to do what is best for their entire population, but generally they are very sympathetic to family members who must deal with "hateful and mean" loved ones.
I think the consistent focus of people who respond here is to offer help, even in situations that seem beyond help. I also think this is one of them. You apparently have tried but your father just won't cooperate. Perhaps it's time to call APS and ask them to intervene and find a place for him that has special anger management treatment.
This must be so frustrating for you. Has your father always been like this? Is he mad b/c he's not at home?
I suspect that adjusting to leaving one's home is one of the most difficult issues people face, although some manage to handle it well but others resist it all the way.
You might also want to talk to any social workers at the facility to see if they have any recommendations. There might be places that handle people with anger issues.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If this behavior is relatively new, then I wonder if he has cognitive problems, such as dementia. Has he had a thorough examination? Sometimes the symptoms of dementia can be helped with drugs and with knowledgeable treatment by caregivers. If this behavior could be the result of dementia or mental illness I would hope that every possible medical treatment could be considered. I would also hope that you don't abandon your father in his time of great need. If he was a decent father to you for decades and this is a big change, he deserves a little more effort.
BUT be absolutely clear on this: whatever the cause of his being hateful and mean, DO NOT consider moving him in with you. Just don't do it. I know you didn't mention this, but I worry about the "I don't know what to do," so I'm offering a strong "what not to do."
I like GA's suggestion for talking to the facility's social worker and perhaps other staff who have gotten to know Dad. What do they recommend? Do they think he shows other signs of dementia? I understand that facilities have to do what is best for their entire population, but generally they are very sympathetic to family members who must deal with "hateful and mean" loved ones.
This must be so frustrating for you. Has your father always been like this? Is he mad b/c he's not at home?
I suspect that adjusting to leaving one's home is one of the most difficult issues people face, although some manage to handle it well but others resist it all the way.
You might also want to talk to any social workers at the facility to see if they have any recommendations. There might be places that handle people with anger issues.