My father won't do ANYTHING to stop himself falling, and it's getting complicated. What do I say to him?

My mother is 94.5 with advanced dementia, living in Memory Care AL. She started falling in 2016 when she was in the early stages of dementia, using a walker/rollater. She fell 40x while in AL, no matter what anybody did to prevent it, to help her, to stop her from falling, fell she did, over & over & over again, 40 times. She broke a few ribs in the process and a few sternum bones too, but nothing serious ever happened, and she never even took an ambulance ride to the ER as a result of a fall, believe it or not.

Now here we are, 5 years later. She's been wheelchair bound since 2019 when she went into Memory Care AL and I thought: Oh Thank God, she'll finally stop falling. Wrong I was yet again. She's now taken 38 more falls since June of 2019 while wheelchair bound and living in Memory Care, in spite of all the measures the MC has taken to prevent her from falling. Bed alarms, chair alarms, mats on the floor around her bed, signs posted in her room about PULL THE CORD BEFORE GETTING UP, you name it, it's been tried, all to no avail.

I could say, gee, if she lived with me, she wouldn't fall! But that would be a lie b/c my mother likes to do things Her Way. Her Way involves not following directions even before dementia became an issue. Now that dementia is a big issue and she's unable TO follow directions or process information, the falls are even more inevitable. If she were living with me, I'd be calling the 911 non-emergent # every time she fell b/c she weighs almost 200 lbs and nobody here is able to pick her up off the floor. True statement right there.

I understand dementia about as intimately as anyone who's been dealing with it for 5 straight years can understand it. I have the books, watch the videos, read the literature. I've contacted the medical professionals until the cows come home. In fact, my mother sees the doctor who comes into the MC at least once a week. Nothing works. NOTHING. Not one single solitary thing.

So my mother keeps falling & the staff keeps picking her up. Until she hits her head and has a brain bleed or breaks a hip or some other serious incident hurts her badly & sends her off to the ER, there's not a single thing I or anyone else can do about it. And, even after she does go to the ER/hospital & rehab for a serious fall, what happens afterward? The same thing: she continues to fall until the day she passes away, methinks. Thru no fault of mine or anyone else's, much as everyone would love to blame someone: there is nobody TO blame for such things. Except old age and dementia, but primarily old age.

Anyone telling you something different either doesn't truly understand the nature of elders who fall all the time or they're lying to you. Plain & simple. It's not your fault your father is falling. And there's nothing YOU can do to prevent it from happening. I'm here to tell you that. Because if there WAS something that could be done to prevent it, I and/or the staff at my mother's MC would have done it by now, trust me. It's not for lack of love or caring or giving a crap about the woman that she falls so much: it's b/c she's old, doesn't follow rules & has dementia that she falls.

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with the reality of the situation and accepting it for what it is.

You can't - or rather *he* can't - adjust his sense of reality.

Sit back and wait for the bad one? - not exactly, but accept that it is inevitable, yes.

Meanwhile, you do what you can. Don't lecture him. Don't anybody lecture him! But when he's up and about and off on his travels (as I used to think of it) whoever is nearest pops up smiling alongside him and guides his balance. Have the people who are oftenest there been offered any training or advice on safe mobilising?

This is really a losing battle. Could you have him assessed for a motorized wheelchair (some folks call them scooters). They want to feel they are still independent and I get the constant state of being on alert for a fall. It’s exhausting. It’s not if, it’s when he falls that it will cause him to be in a wheelchair. You might get his doctor to order PT and take him and let the expert assess him. They will observe him walking and can suggest what is safe etc. perhaps coming from someone other than family he might listen. But a physical assessment by a PT would be a very wise and good start for his safety.

I had a horrible situation dealing with late mother who finally fell again and became incontinent anf unable to stand let a lone walk. This was going on for years with her walking unsteady with a cane and refusing a wheelchair or rollator with a seat. I was always calling the emts to get her up. She accused me of not being "encouraging" when i said a cane alone is not enough. Finally she fell again in April 2020 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia bedridden and incontinent. She got suckef into the for profit bs facilities until she died on home hospice. She left me myriads of problems she refused to address. I am overwhelmed and feel like my lost to the downsizing I want and but that she refused.

The aftermath of her death has left me with all responsibilites legal affairs and expresses. I have a probate lawyer and some sort of investment broker who is trying to get me to invest more.

I am sad and feel I don't know who to trust. I am overwhelmed by everything.

The aftermath of her death is worse than changing her diaper.

I feel I am in the dark anf don't know where to go for guidance.

I feel my own mother's lack of adequate planning and stubbornness is just about bumping me off. Where would you go for support and guidance dealing with all this? Seems like everyone is out for money. I am nesr drowning and life has lost all pleasure. I am 66 years old and am so angry with my narcissistic mother.

The falls are hard to watch. My dad had many, some with me right next to him while he was using a walker. There is no complete prevention. Give your dad the walker whether he will use it or not, just have it nearby without asking him to use it, don’t pick him up after the falls, call for help. He’ll eventually tire of waiting on the floor for help to come, or he’ll break something and be forced to use help. I’m sorry it’s coming to this but you can’t reason with him or adjust his reality. Seems he’s a guy that has to get it for himself.

You can not do more to "make" him use a walker, use an emergency button.
All you can do is wait......
You wait until a fall puts him in the hospital then in rehab. (If he survives the fall) *hate to be blunt*

At that point he may be confined to a wheelchair and then you start all over again as he tries to get up from the wheelchair and falls out of it. (see above for scenario)

With Parkinson's balance is poor adding possible dementia to that mix makes it more difficult. Good possibility that he is not "getting" the cause and effect of what he is doing.

Just try to keep things as safe as possible. Keep areas open so there is nothing to trip on or over. Remove area rugs that he could trip on.

His reality seems to be totally different from the real world. You can not "force" him to be practical or safe. You could, as has been suggested, tell him the real possibility that continuing to attempt to walk without assistance could land him in a NH but ................ would he remember what you said an hour later? Possibly not. And BTW, there is no way to truly prevent falls from someone who thinks they can still walk even in NH. You and the family can only do so much.

Does he have a walker where he can sit on it incase he gets weak? Can you get someone that you all know and he does too that is using either a walking stick or a walker to tell him pride doesn't matter if you end up in bed or a wheelchair for the rest of your life? Take all the devices away put them up and if he asks tell him well you aren't using them I think I will donate them to someone who would but put them away just in case he needs one in the end. Does he have someone who he looks up too if so write a letter to that person and ask if they would help you in this matter. Talk to a therapist to see if there is anything you can say to him to use one. Also tell him that the stress of him falling is hurting you maybe putting it that way he will have some compassion for you and start just using them at home or around you.

Its hard for someone who has never used anything like this to start my brother in law carries his instead of using it. Maybe get your father checked for dementia he may have the start of it they have some drugs out there that can slow that progress down like my brother in law he has been on one now for 5 yrs it has slowed his down but soon it won't.

Ask God for some help he is there for us. Prayers that you find the right answer to your problem and your father starts using them.

If pride is a reason he ignores a cane or walker, would he use "walking sticks" like hikers use. They do not shout "disability" as loudly as canes and walkers.

The 'granny' who posted below is wise; while we don't want to just let a loved one fall we do what we can to keep them safe. I learned from experience with my Mom that when an elder begins falling the lifespan is 6 months on average...and in her case it was true, same with my favorite uncle several years later. Sometimes humans 'know' their end is near and as hard as it is the best we can do is let them let Nature take its course, while making their environment as safe as possible.