My husband and I recently moved his grandparents (103 and 95) in with us and became the primary caregivers. One of them is peeing on the floor in their bedroom at night and the carpet by the front door at night. I don’t know if it’s grandpa (103) forgetting where the bathroom is, or grandma (95) who has moderate/severe dementia just waking up and peeing. I work graveyard shift so on my nights off I have sat downstairs to catch which one it is but when I’m downstairs they never move, and if they do it’s just grandpa waking up and walking to the bathroom. We also have a 4-year-old who is potty trained and a two-year-old who is not. I don’t want to sound like a horrible person but I already struggle with the shift I work and babies let alone 4 babies. Some days I wake up to a poop diaper from my son, my grandmother wiping herself with the dishrag or whatever she can find, and my grandpa shoving his dirty diaper down the toilet. I am at my wits' end. Due to the required care they need and extra upkeep in my house, my toddler's behavior is out of control. They are not getting the attention they need from us, and mine and my husband's relationship is on the cusp of ending because of the lack of time we have. I have an 18 yo as well who just graduated high school and has been the biggest help through all of this, but I don’t want to burden him too much cause it’s not his job. It’s not even his grandparents. I need advice on every aspect of this because I’m close to having a mental breakdown. My house constantly smells like pee and poop from the three people in diapers. I’m losing my mind. We have a caretaker that comes over, but we can only afford her for 3 hours a day--enough time to wash them, change them, give meds, and feed them. We even have a house cleaner that does a deep-clean every other week. It doesn’t even make a difference. What do we do?
hugs and prayers
I always feel compelled to comment when I see someone commenting about "I loved my daddy so but I had to place him......"
The fact that you allowed not one but two incontinent ancients with dementia to move into your home at the ages of 103 and 95 is completely ridiculous. Letting them remain with you is even moreso.
They need to be placed immediately. As for you not being able to afford more than a few hours a day of aide care.
You are not the one who should be worried about affording it. Why are the 103 year-old and the 95-year old not paying for it themselves?
Get them placed. No amount of preserving assets is worth what you're living in right now. No one should have to live in a house that stinks of piss and sh*t. I'm saying this as a person who was an in-home caregiver as employment for almost 25 years. I've quit positions when a client's home was just too disgusting from hoarding, filth, squalor, and incontinence.
Get them placed for everyone's sake including your own. As for your out-of-control toddler. There's no such thing as an out-of-control toddler. You and your husband are adults that's what gives you control over of a toddler.
I too raised a toddler from the age of two (my son) when I married his widowed father I adopted him. He tended to run a bit on the hyper side. He didn't get out-of-control because we were the adults in the home and didn't allow him to. When he was little there was elderly family who really couldn't live alone anymore and needed caregiving. The convenient choice that worked for everyone was for them to move in with us because after all I wasn't working at the time and had experience as an elderly caregiver.
No one moved in with us because we would not allow it. You didn't get duped by your family to take them in. What usually happened in cases like yours, is the family made you an offer than sounded good at the time. You agreed to take the responsibility on for your grandfather and his wife so moved them in. Now you have buyer's remorse because they're more than you can handle. This would be more than most people can handle. Don't beat yourself up with guilt about making the mistake that so many people make when they take on elderly care.
Now it's time for damage control. You tried and they need to be placed. Find a care facility who will accept them. Then take back your home and family.
It appears ALL of grandma and grandpa's kids are worthless.
As for your house stinking of human waste, there are a couple of things you can do.
1st - saturate every area that you know has been peed on with white vinegar. The vinegar kills the enzymes that cause the odor and the vinegar smell goes away once it is dry.
2nd - ALL diapers get bagged and taken outside as soon as the change is complete.
3rd - cover furniture, after spraying with vinegar, with chuxs, washable or disposable, the VA will provide these.
4th - get an essential oil diffuser and use lemon oil and may chang essential oils. It will make your house smell like fresh squeezed lemons, you can use any citrus or a combination of any to help keep the house fresher.
5th - open windows daily.
My heart goes out to you and your family. These situations are so difficult.
Hugs 🤗
2. Tranquility Premium Overnight. Holds 2 cups fluid. Fecal & Urine brief. Has leg guards. Good for daytime.
I’ve been taking care of my parents for eight years. My Mom was a heavy user of incontinence products and had both types of incontinence. I only had access to the Tranquility product when she was alive. I discovered the BECAUSE product while working with my Dad’s needs.
Neither product has ever let me down.
There may be tab style versions of these products. The products noted above are pull up briefs.
The local VA can help you set up membership in the VA.
If he was an active duty vet, the VA AND Medicare will cover everything…including 24/7 caregivers or a memory care facility. Prescriptions. Durable medical goods. Incontinence products. Hearing aids. Not sure about teeth or eyes, but local VA officer can tell you.
If not a vet, Medicare will cover placement in a care home. It just may not be the Cadillac of care homes. Or Medicare can pay a portion of care and the family picks up the difference for a nicer facility.
Depending upon where you live, there may be other agencies or services you can access to assist you until you can transition them to a memory care facility. Check the Agency/Institute/Nation Society on Aging or Eldercare resources for your area.
Services can include respite care for the caregiver. So someone can come in to give you a break.
You need some help. I’d get other family members to come in and help watch your grandparents while you and your husband take time away from the house to talk to the social worker, make some calls and form a plan of action.
I don’t know how much just gas alone is where you live, but in Alaska right now, it’s heading to over $6 a gallon in my area, and every damn thing costs more money, so unless you are rich, you do not have the pocketbook for young children, AND old old old elders.
I sincerely hope you take the good advice you have been given, and do not throw away your young children’s childhood, all the time you could have with them, instead going to both work AND elders. Too much, and your family knows it.
I send you respect that you tried. I would have said no, but I learned very early in adulthood, to just say no, to what doesn’t work for me, after getting sober. Survival meant learning, and 38 years later, still holding my ground, even if it makes family mad. Take care.