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I'm with SueC1957. I'm in the "do no harm" camp. Sometimes I'll lie if it helps Mom get through a potentially tough moment. She's in deep dementia, likely won't last much longer, and there's just no reason for her to know the truth as she can't really understand it.
And you know what? Sometimes I go with the lie easily because I can't handle the thought of her getting upset. I'm alone with Mom practically 24/7 and exhausted. Either way, Mom and I will get through all this. This journey is hard on both of us, but there's just no reason to purposefully make things harder.
None of us want to lie. At first I really struggled but as this disease progresses we learn to do what we have to for their well being as well as our own. At first we we're asking if it was "dementia Bob" or"a**hole Bob" today and would argue with him. Now we just go along with his reality. Finally convinced my MIL not to correct him either. He has always been difficult and a "storyteller" so don't know what's real or lie anyway just go with the flow of the moment.
Although this original post started 8 years ago...it's very up to date regardless the year. We lied to dad plenty, and he didn't have dementia or Alz.... We just made sure we were all on the same page with the lie. We used a series of lies to get my dad where he needed to be. 1st was that his Dr. had ordered him out of the cold climate he was living in (Ohio) or he could die. We said this to get him to move in with my brother in Texas after he'd had a stroke. We knew the move would be forever...but he would have never budged if he had known.
Of course, when the summer rolled around, and he wanted to go home, we told him the Dr. felt he needed the sunshine of a Texas summer to help him further heal. Then when fall came along we convinced him one more winter was probably best and that we'd take him back to Ohio so he could gather some things he left behind for that "last" winter in Texas. I planned the trip in late fall when I hoped the weather would be pretty cold in Ohio. The plan worked perfectly. It was miserable weather when we were there and dad did catch a bad cold (that I did not plan) that cut our visit short. He was glad to be headed back to Texas.
The following spring dad decided that living in Texas with my brother and his wife wasn't so bad after all and so asked that I once again visit Ohio to get his old house on the market. I did and the house sold and all our lies had helped get dad where he needed to be. I say HURRAH FOR LIES!
Dustien, welcome back. I noticed you had been gone for most of the year and after reading your post, now I know why. Thank goodness for "theraputic fibs", they have helped save many a day :)
It’s not important to remember that someone died. It’s important to talk about that person who’s gone. A spouse or parent was a source of comfort, security and love. When they miss or ask about that person they may just need to know that person is ok and they don’t need to worry. Reminiscing about that loved one may work, or not. But feel free to hand them the big phone book. There’s always misprints, right?
My mother is 87 years old and has had diagnosed dementia for four years. (In retrospect we should have known at least two years prior.) Her mother died in 1999 and her father died in1989. My brother and I decided that the only lie we would not indulge in with her was the fact that her parents are deceased. At first, she would either cry or be angry that we kept it from her. Visits to the cemetery to refresh her memory did no good either. I keep a photo of their headstone on my phone for backup which helps because she has been there many times throughout the years to place flowers. However much she denies their death, on some level, she knows we are telling her the truth. Every time we discuss her parents' death she will eventually acknowledge that she knows they died, but she will also tell us that it never seems real to her. One time she even told me that she doesn't remember because she doesn't want to believe that they are really gone. We are a Christian family and it does comfort her to know that we will be reunited in heaven. This was one of the hardest decisions for us to reach and adhere to. My mother was very close to her mother and called or visited her every day, which is one of the many reasons why we chose truthfulness. Talking or visiting with her mother has been her greatest and most unrelenting desire since we began her journey with dementia. Please know that there is no perfect answer for your question and whatever solution you decided on may change as your loved one's condition changes. Whatever feels right in your heart will always be your best choice.
For me I find it best to say something like Oh I just talked to her she said she is going to bed early or something like that. She is very comfortable with that answer. One time in the beginning of her illness I said you know mom , mimi passed away years ago, She screamed at me "She Did Not" She is Not" . What you need to understand when they ask for there loved one who is passed on , is because they are in a different time era. They are not is 2018 so by you saying the person is dead is incomprehensible to them. And, causes more confusion, stress and anxiety. Which leads to more stress for you. So I find it best for all to just play along. We have had to go as far as having my husband act as her deceased husband over the phone and then she then she calmed down and relaxed and went to bed. Just saying !! I think its best to allow them to be where ever they are !! Keeping them Happy as much as possible is best. Remember they are living in the moment but usually at a different time in their life , sometime hallucinating , and hearing things that are not there. So you cant always be truthful!! because they are not really in our reality!! God Bless your loved ones and you!!; through this difficult time!!
Yes, by all means, lie!!!!!!! It feels horrible at first. But when you see the peace and serenity it brings for your husband--and then for everyone else, you will see it is worth it.
Remember, your husband won't remember whatever you say. So, why say something that will upset him or hurt his feelings?
This is an inevitable step that we must take. It separates us from the loved one by a few degrees; it makes us the "parent," the adviser. The relationship is no longer the same. But the love is still there.
Yes, my grandmother used to ask about her mother I would say "she is fine, I will tell her you ask about her". That would make her happy, I wouldn't feel bad that I had lied.
My mother-in-law had Alzheimer’s and would tell the most detailed stories of her daily adventures. My husband and his brother would tell her the things she was saying weren’t true and that the relatives she’d had lunch with were all deceased (which they were). She would get terribly upset and cry. When I realized what they were doing, I told them both to just listen to her and see the joy on her face as she was vividly recalling her day (obviously a very happy time in her younger years). I told them to ask about everyone, ask her what they ate and make normal conversation with her. Wherever her mind was, she was happy. There was no need to take that joy away from her. When they stopped disagreeing with her, she became more responsive to whatever needed to be done for her. The mind is such a fragile thing. My husband now has dementia (not Alzheimers) and struggles with short term memory. His dementia is compounded by hearing loss and all of his frustrations are taken out on me. He has always been a wonderful husband, a bit self-absorbed, but a good father and devoted husband. Both of our moms had Alzheimer’s so we know the difference. His dementia escalated when he underwent open heart surgery three years ago. The doctors were concerned about the dementia but felt without the surgery, he would have a fatal heart attack. Our lives were forever changed after the heart surgery. We have had three additional years but we’ve seen more doctors in those three years than in all of our 50 years together. They put him on 15 different medications that changed him from a healthy, vibrant strong man to one that has little strength, muscle mass loss and very little stamina and energy. I started investigating all of the meds that were prescribed and discovered the side effects of several were what had caused some of his issues. After talking with his doctors and having them in agreement, he now only takes 5 pills daily and seems to be doing just fine. He will never regain the muscle mass that he once had nor his stamina and energy because of those medications. I learned that doctors freely prescribe certain medications for all heart patients. Every person is different and I’m not convinced that blanket prescriptions should be given to everyone. He is always on his best behavior around our children and his doctors. I understand his random rages toward me because he realizes something’s not right with him and his frustration escalated to anger and rage. You always hurt the one you love most because you know they aren’t going anywhere. We have had a most wonderful life together and he deserves so much more than I am capable of giving. I have dealt with depression my entire life and have been ridden with responsibility since my earliest memory. His random rages can spiral me down quicker than anything. I realize there are others dealing with far more difficult situations and I give God the glory for guiding me through our situation. It is very purposeful and I understand it. God bless you all as you navigate the journey with your loved one. I pray for God’s grace and mercy.
My mother was in a nursing home and my father spent most days sitting with her. He had a small apartment near by which he called "the cabin". When he left at night he would say he was going to the cabin and she would get angry because she thought he was going to see another woman. My sister finally convinced him to say good night because he was not feeling well and needed to rest. She accepted that. Sometimes a therapeutic lie is the kindest response of all. Anne 1933
Our oldest son died two years ago. My husband asks when he's coming over. I cannot deal..I say he has to work extra hours..on big project. He smiles ...nods and it is less painful for both of us. Why make him sad.
I don't believe in telling an outright "lie" to a dementia patient, lest it come back to bite me. But it's also cruel to intentionally confuse them.
When I dealt with this type of thing with my father, I would often say, "I'm not sure. Why do you ask?"
Often, he could not remember why he asked - and then I could change the subject easily.
If he persisted, I would say something like, "We are adults and we should let our parents have their own lives without us bugging them." He would nod in agreement, and I would change the subject.
I'm curious as to why barbaralou felt that 11 days on Hospice was a long time. Some people are on Hospice care for weeks or even months, depending on their illness.
It is very difficult to watch a love one "die by inches" which describes dementia. It's actually much easier if they are killed in a sudden accident or have a massive heart attack and die.
People with Alzhiemers/ Dementia live in their own world. In their own world,they are happy. You need to join and agree in their conversation whatever they say...if you tell any thing different or try to correct, then they will be upset and be agitated. .... agree with them and stay in peace! I have my Mom with similar illness.I learnt this after 5 years....took a long time to understand her illness because she was a well educated working woman ....I was in denial and got emotionally upset...
Yes, yes, yes - a lie is not a lie in AlZheiners world ! The importance is tenderness, sweetness, and signs of affection - a little kiss on the hand or the forehead. Dementia makes people scared and apprehensive. Tender, loving care is tops. Charlotte. mom, Eleonore, has had Alzheimer's - at home with me - for seven years now. We lose friends and aquaintances - shame on them! But the satisfaction of keeping her in a loving environment is priceless.
The concept of therapeutic lying is so wonderful and so loving. I hope there will be someone for me to do that when I need it. Our society has made telling the truth a virtue. Sometimes it isn't
my 85 year old wife constantly says she is going home to see her parents, especially her mother. She has had Alzheimer's for 4 years and we have tried everything; saying she is dead, deceased, resting, with her husband, changing the subject, telling her we'll talk about it later, reminding her of things she did with her mother, talking about our own family (children, grandchildren, great grandchildren), etc. She seems to understand and each conversation is like the first time she has heard it. But, you know what? Her memory only lasts for a moment and then she asks the same questions over again. Try to stay calm. It can be frustrating to try to find some type of switch that will turn on her memory but you need to face the fact that it's not going to happen. Those memories you would like her to have are just not there. No matter how hard you try she will never understand why people die. Only you can determine what are the best ways to handle this. Sometime I surprise her by giving her a kiss and just for a second there seems to be a spark in her eye and a smile on her face. It doesn't last long but it helps me and maybe helps her just a little.
My mom has asked about her parents numerous times, who are both dead, and I tell her they were traveling to Oklahoma to visit family. That's were they are from so she understood that. Simple lie but it didn't hurt her so it was a win. Best of luck.
When my mom asks where her mom and dad are I just tell her "Oh, they're around here somewhere." I keep things happy and light for her. That is what I want the rest of her days to be. Happy and light. Why tell her they are dead? It doesn't help anything and it makes her sad. I take her out to the facility's little courtyard. She thinks we are sitting in Uncle Stan's yard. He has passed as well. We call his wife, our dear Aunt Jean, and we laugh, talk and have a good time. She tells my mom we have to cut the grass and wipe down Uncle Stan's chairs. Aunt Jean knows how to roll with it and is so much fun to talk to. We just laugh, laugh and laugh. Mom gets a kick out of it. It is good to see her double over with laughter. Remember, happy and light. Nothing else matters.
"Oh I can see you love *** so much! It would be so wonderful if *** could be here now. What do you think *** would tell you? To be Happy I bet, huh? But I am here to take care of you like *** would. Hmmm, what can we do.... how about...."puzzle, singing, *** (something they like or the deceased person and they liked) I bet they would smile if they saw us doing it"
when my mum asks where my dad is i say you know where he is dont you..(i think she does deep down) he is with nanny and she is looking after him for us ..(nanny is her mum who died 48 years ago..its best not to mention the words dead or died..she accepts it better this way.
Absolutely lie or change the subject. Why make people who are essentially suffering from an illness more unhappy. It took me a while to convince my husband that telling his mother the truth wasn't the best policy anymore. I am a very honest person in business and with everyone....but this is the case where honesty is NOT the best policy.
I'm on board with lying about these things to someone who won't remember in 5 minutes that you told them their loved one died, and will ask again.
The biggest regret I have regarding a situation like this is insisting that my father's brother (who had severe dementia/Alz) be informed that my father had died. They were very close, and kept in touch via letters and phone calls (we lived several hundred miles apart) until my uncle was put into a nursing home because he could no longer live at home under the care of a neighbor/cousin who looked in on him every day and made sure he was taking his meds and eating. I discussed with my family whether we should tell our uncle about my father's death, and it was agreed he had the right to know. I called the cousin and asked him to break the news to him - the cousin was reluctant to do it, but I insisted on behalf of the family. I found out later just how bad my uncle's memory was - he kept asking, several times a day, how his brother was doing, because he hadn't heard from him for a while - and he would be told again that his brother had died, and he would experience the pain and grieving all over again. I am *SO* sorry we ever insisted that he be told. If I had that situation to do over, I would have had the cousin tell my uncle a "therapeutic lie" to avoid the pain he experienced. He died 9 months after my father. It was so unfair of us to do that to him in his last days, and I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Don't be afraid to lie to your loved one to save them pain when they have dementia or Alz and can't remember what's been said to them for more than a short time. Regardless of how you feel about lying, this is one kindness you can do them that God will understand - trust me.
Ok, here's an example. My MIL (who died in 2011 of "Alzheimer's related complications,"), one day while she was still home with us, came out onto the side porch. Fortunately, I was nearby sweeping the sidewalk along the house. She came down the steps, and started around to the front of the house. I said, "Where are you headed?" She said, "Going down to see my Mom and Dad." (Long dead, they had lived in the small town in the valley below us, a few miles away.) I replied, "Oh, OK! Why don't we go back in and have some lunch first, then I'll drive you down there." She agreed to that, we had some lunch, put her soap opera on TV, and by that time she forgot all about it. Those kind of strategies worked every time.
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And you know what? Sometimes I go with the lie easily because I can't handle the thought of her getting upset. I'm alone with Mom practically 24/7 and exhausted. Either way, Mom and I will get through all this. This journey is hard on both of us, but there's just no reason to purposefully make things harder.
Of course, when the summer rolled around, and he wanted to go home, we told him the Dr. felt he needed the sunshine of a Texas summer to help him further heal. Then when fall came along we convinced him one more winter was probably best and that we'd take him back to Ohio so he could gather some things he left behind for that "last" winter in Texas. I planned the trip in late fall when I hoped the weather would be pretty cold in Ohio. The plan worked perfectly. It was miserable weather when we were there and dad did catch a bad cold (that I did not plan) that cut our visit short. He was glad to be headed back to Texas.
The following spring dad decided that living in Texas with my brother and his wife wasn't so bad after all and so asked that I once again visit Ohio to get his old house on the market. I did and the house sold and all our lies had helped get dad where he needed to be. I say HURRAH FOR LIES!
💀👹👽👻😱🤖👿
Welcome to the group! 😜
Remember, your husband won't remember whatever you say. So, why say something that will upset him or hurt his feelings?
This is an inevitable step that we must take. It separates us from the loved one by a few degrees; it makes us the "parent," the adviser. The relationship is no longer the same. But the love is still there.
Good luck!
Also, sorry your husband has dementia. How hard it must be to answer hubby's question without breaking down. My heart goes out to you. 💜
((((Hugs))))
When I dealt with this type of thing with my father, I would often say, "I'm not sure. Why do you ask?"
Often, he could not remember why he asked - and then I could change the subject easily.
If he persisted, I would say something like, "We are adults and we should let our parents have their own lives without us bugging them." He would nod in agreement, and I would change the subject.
It is very difficult to watch a love one "die by inches" which describes dementia. It's actually much easier if they are killed in a sudden accident or have a massive heart attack and die.
The importance is tenderness, sweetness, and signs of affection - a little kiss on the hand or the forehead.
Dementia makes people scared and apprehensive.
Tender, loving care is tops.
Charlotte.
mom, Eleonore, has had Alzheimer's - at home with me - for seven years now. We lose friends and aquaintances - shame on them! But the satisfaction of keeping her in a loving environment is priceless.
The biggest regret I have regarding a situation like this is insisting that my father's brother (who had severe dementia/Alz) be informed that my father had died. They were very close, and kept in touch via letters and phone calls (we lived several hundred miles apart) until my uncle was put into a nursing home because he could no longer live at home under the care of a neighbor/cousin who looked in on him every day and made sure he was taking his meds and eating. I discussed with my family whether we should tell our uncle about my father's death, and it was agreed he had the right to know. I called the cousin and asked him to break the news to him - the cousin was reluctant to do it, but I insisted on behalf of the family. I found out later just how bad my uncle's memory was - he kept asking, several times a day, how his brother was doing, because he hadn't heard from him for a while - and he would be told again that his brother had died, and he would experience the pain and grieving all over again. I am *SO* sorry we ever insisted that he be told. If I had that situation to do over, I would have had the cousin tell my uncle a "therapeutic lie" to avoid the pain he experienced. He died 9 months after my father. It was so unfair of us to do that to him in his last days, and I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Don't be afraid to lie to your loved one to save them pain when they have dementia or Alz and can't remember what's been said to them for more than a short time. Regardless of how you feel about lying, this is one kindness you can do them that God will understand - trust me.