Bill has been a been a good friend for 40 years.
He is the only one of Gary's friends who has made an effort to visit or call since the dementia diagnosis. These two men spoke on the phone every day, visited each other just as often, and shared common hobbies.
Now, Gary doesn't want to see him or talk to Bill, claiming Bill stole some tools, screwed up (unspecified items) and is a no good b*stard.
Should I just ask Bill to stay away, hoping this phase will pass, or should I continue to have Bill come visit?
if he is, and he wants to continue his visits, let him.
I will say, what is likely to come up next from Gary is that you & Bill are having an affair. So expect that and role play in advance how you will deflect & deal with that conversation. Yeah it goes from he’s stealing my tools to he’s stealing my wife. Dementia is such an awful disease.
But I do think that Bill should decide because your husband probably won't remember much two days (two hours?) after the visit. Dementia is a nutso disease ... keeping a sense of humor in light of the horrendous things that can be imagined and said by those with the disease is paramount.
Meanwhile, you probably need to have a chat with Bill and explain that your father is in an angry, agitated phase of dementia right now - and that explains the behavior. Bill may choose to stay away until this phase passes.
If all is well during the actual visit and the visits don’t upset Gary, I would let the visits continue.
I would warn Bill that the dementia is worse, he is welcome but be prepared to leave if Gary gets upset.
My DH aunt, 94 with dementia, will speak
despairingly of someone if their name is mentioned. However if that same person appears you would think it was the greatest gift just to see them.
So, I would take guidance from how he behaves face to face with Bill.
And how it affects you.
It sounds like Bill has been a good friend. It really depends on how much the dementia has progressed.
It certainly must be hard for Bill to watch his friend deteriorate, but if he has the heart to keep visiting in spite Gary it should be his choice. Disregarding Gary's negativity can be a gift Bill can give to his friend.
At the very least, Bill deserves to be told what's going on. There's no point in Gary getting riled up or agitated while this is in his head.
It's very possible Gary will mention that Bill hasn't been around recently and you can advise Bill that you'll let him know when there happens to be a good day. It's also possible that Bill is one of those people who can defer him to another conversation, wearing rhino hide, to get Gary on to another subject. It is very difficult to do, but some folks are really good at it.
Please talk to your husband's doctor about these outbursts. Your husband may benefit from anti-anxiety medication. Your husband will also benefit from redirecting conversations that stray into accusatory language and agitation.