He seems confused, angry and without much executive function when we are at home. When we go to his doctors appointment, he is more cognizant, appropriate and generally lucid. Is he just "acting" with me? It's hard for me to figure out what is real with him. Is his behavior just to get care and attention from me? He seems very confused with me but seems more clear with outsiders.
The key is.............they can show time when they're not asked REAL questions or have to give REAL information out, you know? They're great at small talk.......chit chat........the "Hi how are you today, how is the wife and family?" type of stuff. Ask them what day it is or what they had for breakfast, and it all falls apart.
The mean/nasty side and the frustration comes out with those they're closest to because they don't have to wear a mask for us. They don't have to put on a show to pretend all is well. We KNOW all is not well, so the jig is up. They let out all their angst with us, and it's unnerving, not to mention highly annoying. My mother has always been this way, though, it's only worsened with dementia. I remember my father saying "How can your mother be so nice to a stranger who comes to our door but treat me like a piece of garbage 2 seconds earlier?" It's called Being a Phoney.
Anyway, take it all for what it's worth. And know that the 'acting' is done for OTHERS, not you. You get the Real Deal with him while others get the Nice Him. Sucks, doesn't it?
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a tough situation.
Keep a daily journal about how he is acting. Just before his next doctor visit put a short note together, just one page, one side. Give it to the receptionist and ask that the doctor look at it before he sees ur husband. This will give the doctor an idea of what questions to ask ur husband.
Remember how when you children were small, they would behave in front of others, but when you got home they were tired and cranky?
Of course we are always more our "real selves" with those we love, in a trusting situation where we don't have to try so hard. And our real selves don't get better with the onset of frustration that always comes with these losses.