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I have many physical limitations which makes me dependent on him for cooking, cleaning and even leaving the house. I do all the "mental" tasks like taking care of all the finances. He has shown that he can be dangerous to himself, me and others when driving, cooking and cleaning. He starts something then leaves and forgets about it. He has flooded our kitchen twice and our bathroom twice. He has burned up pans on the stove. He climbed on a tall ladder, fell and got hurt. I've helped him avert major driving accidents.

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All you have to remember is that you do not need to have his permission to do what is best for him.

You’re his wife. You know him better than anyone else. Tell him whatever you think will work in order for him to receive care.

Major transitions are stressful. Be at peace knowing that you are doing the right thing by placing your husband in a facility where he will receive 24/7 care.

Wishing you well during this difficult time of transition in your life.
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anonymous1732518 Jul 2023
😄 Thank you NeedHelpWithMom for the unintentional laugh.

You failed to mention hoping he would not need to see the NH doc during the weekend.
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If I were you, I'd make the arrangements to move both of you onto Assisted Living immediately because it's no longer safe to stay where you're at, obviously. Please don't wait for a crisis to occur before you take matters into your own hands, or look for a way to "convince" a stubborn elder with dementia that it's the right thing to do. Announce you WILL be doing it, and enlist help in getting the move underway. Be positive and upbeat about it every step of the way, too, reminding dh that it's YOUR physical limitations warranting the move, not a shortcoming on his part.

Best of luck to you.
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You don't convince someone with dementia of anything, sadly.

Make plans to move. If he resists, tell him he will be living alone and will need to hire in-home caregivers.

Just set up the move and follow through.
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DrBenshir Jul 2023
Please don't forget to get all finances set up so that he cannot be taken advantage of. And sell the car. ASAP.
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You are now the decision maker in the household.
If YOU need the help for yourself and for him then you make the decision to move.
I suggest you take your time and find a place that YOU like and one that will also have Memory Care for the time when you can no longer care for him even with help.
It may even be at that point now where he would be safer in Memory Care. (the "problem" with Assisted Living is that he could still wander out since most AL are not locked or otherwise protected.)

He stops driving today!
It is not safe for you to have him behind the wheel and it is not safe for other residents of your town.
If you have 2 cars take one "to the shop" for repairs.
Get child proof knobs for the stove so that he can not turn it on.
See if you can get someone to put a shutoff valve on the sink in the kitchen so that he can not turn it on.
And he needs supervision at all times in the bathroom. This is for several reasons.
1) to ensure that he is cleaning himself properly after toileting and in the shower as well.
2) Make sure that he is not flushing what should not be flushed.
3) That he is washing his hands
4) That he is brushing teeth and doing other tasks safely and properly.
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He no longer is competent to make any decisions, the ball is in your court, you have to do what is best for both of you.

Driving, no way take the keys away from him.

It is no longer about what he wants, it is about what needs to be done.

His brain is broken, there is no more convincing him, he no longer has a vote.

Sending support your way.
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No more driving period. Take both sets of keys while he is sleeping and hide them good and well.

Next time something happens, call 911. Don’t consult him. Don’t ask him if he wants you to. Don’t announce it. Just do it.

Is he officially diagnosed?
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Yes, you now make the decisions. He is no longer competent. You set everything up and move in.
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Is your husband fully diagnosed?
Are you POA for your husband?
Do you have assets to move together into ALF?

I would start with a visit to your doctors office; ask for referral to social worker so that you can discuss this issue thoroughly and find out your options.
You are correct. This is a dangerous situation.
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I would make sure where you move has a memory care unit so that your husband can be put into it when it gets worse because it will get worse.

Their memory can go fast or hang on for sometime. Believe me when I say this because my BIL has had dementia now for over 8yrs now. We had to unplug his stove he only used the microwave to cook his meals or the family brought meals to him when he was living alone in his apartment. He left the stove on and burnt things set off the smoke alarm.

Their brain says they can do anything but its not true. And they will say they don't have a problem. We took my BIL keys away from him too because he would tell us he wasn't driving when he was a neighbor told us that.

For both of you look for a NH that has everything for you because an assisted living place doesn't have the staff to take care of memory care. It would benefit both of you. They have a dining room where you can go and get your food or they can bring it into your room. And most NH can put both of you in the same room even if he has to be in memory care.

Prayers you get it done faster than later.
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anonymous1732518 Jul 2023
Many NHs don't have the staff either. Food situation, good luck with that, speaking from personal experience.
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Start visiting assisted living facilities in your area or if you have children and they aren't local, visit some in their area too. Once he sees how much more relaxing it could be for y'all, maybe he will be trying to convince you. Call ahead and most will allow you to enjoy a meal and once you are on their contact list they may start inviting you to some of their activities and if he is social at all, that may convince him. During a meal you get to observe interactions between the residents and the staff as well as sample a meal. Many facilities plan in house concerts/entertainment. In the mean time, consider ways you can begin downsizing and it will be easier when you do move whether it is by choice or necessity. Depending on his degree of dementia, a therapeutic lie may be appropriate.

Below is a link with suggestions. It of course is addressing someone who is moving in alone but he is blessed if you both move in together. One thing to emphasize is while your individual apartment may be a small area, the whole facility is your home and most have nice public gathering places where you can entertain family and/or friends.

https://www.newcarehomes.com/news/10-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-whos-moving-into-a-care-home/
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anonymous1732518 Jul 2023
😆. "During a meal...." Well you better hope the meal is palatable, and that residents can go back to eating in the dining area (post COVID)
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