My MIL has been living with us since 2020. It has caused financial, relationship, and family issues. I admit I have brought up my unhappiness with this situation so much because he is clearly being taken advantage of by his able bodied healthy 65 year old mom who has plenty more money than we have . He is mean and nasty to me but no one can blame his mom for anything. He is suffering and not going to work making impulsive purchases and not thinking clearly. His mom has taken over his mind it seems and he is basing all his decisions around her in some kind of subconscious way and he doesn’t know who he is anymore or what he is doing. He blames me and just is generally all over the place and has contempt for me or anything I do and when I bring up his mom he is so upset and will not attribute any of his problems that have gotten worse since his mom moved in with us, to his mother it’s my fault even when it doesn’t make sense. I don’t even know how to fix this. He walks around like I am the one who created this mess and I just am so confused
He can't fix her, I was putting my marriage not in harms way like you are but bringing home moms problems and the stress was definitely causing tension in are relationship. Then when I hit bottom, from trying to do to much, I saw what I was doing to us,
To get your husband to see what he is doing is probably impossible for you to do. I am so sorry. He is deep in this and it's not healthy for his mental, physical or marriage health, and bad for yours also. Until he wants help and sees that he is doing wrong I'm not sure what you can do.
Sorry I don't have better advice on how to get through to him. Please take care of yourself. Maybe get him on this forum or get him to read some of others post on burning out.
Personally, this would be a line in the sand for me. You need to decide if you're willing to go on being the third person in this relationship, because that's what it looks like from the outside looking in.
I echo the advice for couples therapy.
There is a big difference between a grown man who is kind to his mother, yet puts his wife first, and a mama's boy who won't cut the apron strings and lets his mother run his life. I would rather be single/divorced than married to a mama's boy.
You are young, move on if you must. This sounds like a miserable existence.
Good luck!
This stood out to me. The wider picture could include many things (eg mental health issues). Does he have a history of work non-attendance due to mood?
Many workplaces have an anonymous Employee Assistant Program. There are phone helplines, some specifically for men. Couples therapy is an excellent idea - to explore how this is effecting BOTH of you in a non-judgemental environment.
If he is not open to discussing, not open to reaching out (with you or without you) & is actively attacking you, then you will need your own plan. For your own safety & wellbeing.
If you wanted to leave, could you?
Do you have friends, family that could help, or your own finances to stay elsewhere?
If MIL is only 65, you and DH are likely to be in your late 30s. If DH is not working, what is happening to your finances? As well as divorce, you might consider going to a lawyer to separate your assets. If you are willing to think about these most serious options, it makes it less of a challenge to say that MIL or you, one has to go! Or at least, you both (even all) have to go to counseling.
Besides couples therapy , your husband needs individual therapy ……not working , impulsive purchases etc . He is depressed and his mother has some sort of hold over him .
If its difficult to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk, or if you think he wont absorb what you are saying, then couples therapy, as suggested, is a good idea