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Your husband needs counseling and help, but I'm sure he doesn't see it, he doesn't see what he is putting you through, he only sees his unhealthy mom and wants to fix her.

He can't fix her, I was putting my marriage not in harms way like you are but bringing home moms problems and the stress was definitely causing tension in are relationship. Then when I hit bottom, from trying to do to much, I saw what I was doing to us,

To get your husband to see what he is doing is probably impossible for you to do. I am so sorry. He is deep in this and it's not healthy for his mental, physical or marriage health, and bad for yours also. Until he wants help and sees that he is doing wrong I'm not sure what you can do.

Sorry I don't have better advice on how to get through to him. Please take care of yourself. Maybe get him on this forum or get him to read some of others post on burning out.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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In my generation, and I'm just a few years younger than your MIL, we have a saying that goes "Two's company, three's a crowd", and it means the third person is not welcome.

Personally, this would be a line in the sand for me. You need to decide if you're willing to go on being the third person in this relationship, because that's what it looks like from the outside looking in.

I echo the advice for couples therapy.

There is a big difference between a grown man who is kind to his mother, yet puts his wife first, and a mama's boy who won't cut the apron strings and lets his mother run his life. I would rather be single/divorced than married to a mama's boy.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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Your husband’s priority is supposed to be you, not his mother. Either your MIL leaves or you do. I think it comes down to this.

You are young, move on if you must. This sounds like a miserable existence.

Good luck!
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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"He is suffering and not going to work".

This stood out to me. The wider picture could include many things (eg mental health issues). Does he have a history of work non-attendance due to mood?

Many workplaces have an anonymous Employee Assistant Program. There are phone helplines, some specifically for men. Couples therapy is an excellent idea - to explore how this is effecting BOTH of you in a non-judgemental environment.

If he is not open to discussing, not open to reaching out (with you or without you) & is actively attacking you, then you will need your own plan. For your own safety & wellbeing.

If you wanted to leave, could you?

Do you have friends, family that could help, or your own finances to stay elsewhere?
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Reply to Beatty
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You say that he is “not going to work, making impulsive purchases and not thinking clearly”. This actually sounds a bit like very-early-onset dementia. Have you considered that possibility? Or that he has a substance abuse problem or some other illness? If it might be true, think carefully about whether you want to stay married. How long were you married before 2020 when MIL moved in, and was it a happy relationship? There is a long time ahead to cope with something that difficult from someone who is already treating you badly.

If MIL is only 65, you and DH are likely to be in your late 30s. If DH is not working, what is happening to your finances? As well as divorce, you might consider going to a lawyer to separate your assets. If you are willing to think about these most serious options, it makes it less of a challenge to say that MIL or you, one has to go! Or at least, you both (even all) have to go to counseling.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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If his Mom has plenty of money, why did she move in to begin with ?

Besides couples therapy , your husband needs individual therapy ……not working , impulsive purchases etc . He is depressed and his mother has some sort of hold over him .
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Reply to waytomisery
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I think you need to sort this out asap, sooner not later. Its obviously bothering you a lot.
If its difficult to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk, or if you think he wont absorb what you are saying, then couples therapy, as suggested, is a good idea
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Reply to strugglinson
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Please consider couples therapy. He needs to get an objective perspective on what's going on in his life, his house, his marriage. You are his priority, not his Mom. But he has to come to this conclusion himself and a good therapist will help him see this, if he's willing.
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Anxietynacy Jun 9, 2024
Both have to want couples therapy for it to help. If he won't get therapy, op should definitely go by herself
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Astrid, you haven’t completed your profile or given us much information about the bigger picture. You say that it has caused ‘family issues’. Who else is that, besides your MIL and husband, and what do they think about this? Are you completely on your own in this horrible situation?
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Astridmm22 Jun 8, 2024
the bigger picture is that I am all alone in this. I have no family or support. It’s just hard to have to see that my MIL is so clearly affecting my partner and him blaming me for it because I bring it up. I just thought I would have to deal with this stuff a lot later in my life and the situation is just unnecessary. I suppose I just want others people perspective
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