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My husband still knows me and we look forward to seeing each other. I visit him about every other day. He has balance issues and uses a walker. I am hoping to make our anniversary special to both of us. There is a spiritual retreat within 2 mi of where he lives. He still wants to come home with me. Am I opening a can of worms to spend the night with him? I take him out occasionally for a special lunch or a drive in the country and he does fine. Thank you

Why not have a beautiful anniversary cake at the memory care place and share it with others? Take some old photos and tell your love story to those who attend. You are still living the love story, so inspire others and bring joy to your husband at the same time. Taking him out is liable to be a hassle for both of you.
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Reply to Fawnby
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cxmoody Aug 9, 2024
What a great idea. The caregivers would surely love that, as well!

I bet the administration would take pics, too!
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You know your husband better than we do, so you are the best judge of this.
If you are wanting our reassurance that this cannot "go wrong" we can't give that. It "may" go wrong. But even if it does, you will have tried something you truly want to do.

An overnight is different than lunch out, but if you feel your husband can do this without sad repercussions, it is your right to try it. I do not think I myself would do so. This is where you are now, you and your husband. You are in a different place. You have good memories and I can clearly see a lot of love.

So, basically, up to you and what you think would be best. I would discuss with those who run his facility and get their insight here.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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skiger Aug 15, 2024
100 % agree.

I would not choose to do this due to the confusion it may bring on.

As AlvaDeer said…you know your husband better than anyone else. It is ultimately your decision.

one option could be to take him out to your favorite restaurant during a time that the restaurant is not really busy and crowded, as the noise and distractions could produce some anxiety. You want the outing to be pleasant for your husband.
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Take him out for another special lunch.

He’s in MC because he was probably too much for you to handle alone. Remember what that was like? You’d be setting yourself up for a special day gone BAD.

Congratulations on your anniversary!
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Reply to cxmoody
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No. He needs a stable, consistent routine now more than ever.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Not a good idea . Do not change his routine .
The most you should do is a special lunch and drive . Bring him back before evening and sundowning begins .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Make the day special but do not keep him overnight.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Not advisable. You have placed him in memory care for a reason. It can be very disruptive for him if you change his routine. Mentally he is not who he once was. If you remove him from the facility, you are taking a big risk. He won't even remember the outing, so why risk it. Plan a special day for you both by bringing in his favorite meal. Play music. Sit outside and talk about previous trips you've had together. Bring in a special dessert. There are ways you can celebrate the day with him without removing him from memory care.
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Reply to Jamesj
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Check out what the facility can offer. It may have a double room (or a double bed that can fit into a single room, or even two singles pushed together), and it may have a private dining room (many do, for family meals or for activities). If you can order a special meal to be brought in – with hired-for-the-night waiters, all appropriately dressed – you could have the best of both worlds. You want something safe, and nice, but you DON’T want something that could go badly wrong and leave you with unhappy memories.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Don’t do it.

Your intentions are really sweet, but it’s likely going to mess him up. Dementia patients— especially in MC— tend to not do well when they are taken out of their routines.

If you do it, talk with staff and do it for a short period in the morning. Don’t wear him out and get him back by say 3 p.m.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Absolutely not. This will likely traumatize him.

One important stable for a person with advanced dementia is:

1. Familiar surroundings
2. People (staff, you) even if they forget
3. The constant is extremely important to keep the person as calm as possible - to avoid unnecessary overwhelm, confusion, fear, stress.

"Bring the party" celebration to him.

That he 'does fine' when you take him out for an occasional lunch / drive surprises me although I certainly wouldn't push it with an overnight trip.

My heart goes out to you.

Read / call Teepa Snow. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia. You can take on-line webinars, watch her You Tubes, buy her books.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Bunny567 Aug 15, 2024
Wonderful and sensible answer! Bring the party to him🥳
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